


It Stays With You

by Egypt18015



Category: Backstreet Boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 69,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23891401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Egypt18015/pseuds/Egypt18015
Summary: In 1996 while on a mini tour in Philadelphia Brian and Nick after playing an innocent game of basketball encounter something that will forever change both of thier lives as well as the rest of the group. Told from Brian's Point of view.
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here is a suspense. Once again, I apologize for the wonky symbols. I know it’s annoying.

1  
 **I Guess This Means No Liberty Bell huh?**

  
I laughed as Nick followed me around like a little puppy dog. Sometimes the kid bothered me like you wouldn�t believe but most times he just was my sole source of entertainment. Yes I was easily bored when it came to meetings and people. Nick kind of rescued me from all of that when he would decide to play stupid.  
  
I always appreciated it.  
  
�Stop it squirt!� I yelled to him as I grabbed the towel he continued to hit me on the ass with. He let it go and flew ahead of me like I had so much force to fling him across the room. What a silly kid. I couldn�t help but laugh.  
  
�When do we have to meet up with the rest of the guys?� He asked me sounding humdrum like all he wanted to do was hang with me. I couldn�t help but admire that about him. I mean I would want nothing more to hang out with me as well.  
  
�I think we have to go to Kev�s room in about an hour give or take� He ran behind me again and this time jumped on my back, �I say take! Let�s be fashionably late�  
  
�Aren�t we always?�  
  
He laughed.  
  
When we stayed at these hotels we usually ended up spending the night in two adjoining rooms but this time we each had the pleasure of having our own room. It was a reward for a very successful mini tour, at least that is what we were told. Good enough for me. I was kind of looking forward to having my own room for once.  
  
As if reading my mind Nick looked over at me, �Hey Rok! What about you and me sharing tonight?�  
  
�Sharing what?� There was NO way he was going to rook me into giving up my freedom for one night. I love the guy but I need my space too.  
  
�You know what I mean bonehead! Let�s share a room�  
  
�Nicky my boy! Don�t you want a break from me for just one night?� He looked disappointed. I felt bad but not really.  
  
�Come on B, it�ll be fun�  
  
�Nick we always share, let�s just keep our own places for the night. What do you say? I mean we�ll be right next door to each other� He stood in silence for a minute and I thought I was not going to win this little battle but then he finally smiled, �Okay fine, but if you start being all lonely and shit don�t blame me� I laughed and the subject was dropped.  
  
Thankfully  
  
It has been a rough tour and I was so grateful that I had Nick with me. We were best friends and nothing felt better then having your best buddy at your side especially through hard times.  
  
I wasn�t used to working my butt off quite the way we were and at times I wanted to go home. Flat out wanted to quit especially with this last mini tour. I didn�t think there was anything mini about it. We did ten cities in two weeks time. It was a little ridiculous actually.  
  
We didn�t mind the attention overseas. We actually loved it but touring here was just such a bummer. No one knew us or worse yet no one here cared to know us. So when we toured in places like Germany and Sweden we did these big pop sized venues but when we toured here we did mini ones.  
  
Barely anyone would show, and those that did either golf clapped for us or told us where to stick our act.  
  
Out of the two weeks we toured all around the east coast, we only sold out one show and that was in our home town; Orlando. Most of the people in the audience were friends and family but it still felt good to see that the place was full.  
  
I know I was glad that this tour was coming to an end. Only one more show tomorrow then we were done!  
  
�Where are we anyway? I kind of lose track� I looked back at Kaos who now had managed to take the hat I was wearing and place it on his own head. When did he do that? �You need to stop being so grabby Nick!� I said playfully grabbing for my Wildcats hat.  
  
�Well? You never answered my question. Where the heck are we at?�  
  
�We are at�� I said making sure to mock him, �Philadelphia�  
  
�Ooh yeah, I forgot. Let�s go see the Liberty Bell�  
  
�Wow, I�m kind of impressed that you know that�s here�  
  
�Please I semi pay attention in school. Semi�  
  
�Maybe they�ll let us if we get some more free time� I don�t know why I even bothered saying that because I knew it wasn�t going to be true.  
  
He shrugged, �Kay� He knew it wasn�t going to happen either.  
  
This place has had the strangest vibe so far, we were actually booed yesterday. They hated us, I mean if they could have thrown sour fruit and veggies they would have. But then this afternoon we received cheers and actually had some female fans crying.  
  
It was all very strange.  
  
�Well I guess this is goodbye for now� Nick said stopping dejectedly in front of his door. He looked so pathetic I wanted to laugh at him.  
  
�I�m gonna shower and then maybe I�ll stop by for a game of basketball. I haven�t whooped your butt in about an hour so far right?� He answered my snide comment with his middle finger before letting himself into his room.  
  
I clicked open my door and turned on my light, when I walked into the room I was greeted by a huge man standing there staring at me, �What the hell?� I shouted. My heart skipped a beat.  
  
�Sorry� He said still standing there calm as calm can be, �Didn�t mean to startle you�  
  
I didn�t know what to do exactly so I started backing up towards the door, �I wouldn�t do that if I were you� he said now sticking his hands in his pocket as if he had a gun. This was turning out to be a nightmare. I had to be dreaming.  
  
�Come and sit down� He said motioning for me to take a seat on one of the two double beds in the room. My legs were rubbery and I had a hard time moving but that hand in his pocket made me find the strength I needed to do what he said.  
  
�What do you want? You can have anything you want but please don�t hurt me� I sounded pathetic begging for my own safety but I�m sure it�s only natural. I was terrified.  
  
He made his way over next to me and sat down, �Where is everyone else?�  
  
�They aren�t here� I found myself trying to remember every detail of him just in case I had too.  
  
�What about you�re roomie?�  
  
�I don�t have one tonight. I am rooming alone� Oh God he�s going to kill me. I tried to scan my brain for some prayers. Any I could think of.  
  
Just then a knock on my adjoining room door made the man stand up. At first we both thought it was the front door and he motioned with his finger for me to stay quiet. When the knocking didn�t stop and a faint �Rok what are you taking a dump?� was heard he smiled and walked toward the adjoining door.  
  
I wanted to scream for help then, but I couldn�t find my voice. It all happened so fast. The man pulled open the door and pushed Nick inside before he even knew what was going on.  
  
He landed on the floor and scooted backwards towards me. �Well lookie here� The guy said amused.  
  
�Brian what�s going on?� He said; his voice elevated by at least an octave from pure panic.  
  
�I don�t know� I answered him in a very shaky voice.  
  
The guy kept walking back and forth as I stayed sitting on the bed and Nick on the floor by my side like the little puppy I alluded to before.  
  
The guy looked kind of Darth Vadarish, funny how things like that come to mind in times of stress. He also had that deep voice, the James Earl Jones menacing voice.  
  
�Well this is much better� He said after what seemed like forever.  
  
�Please� Was all I could say. The man walked over towards me, �stand up� He ordered me.  
  
I looked down at Nick as he shook his head at me.  
  
I slowly stood up, �Good boy now walk over here!� He said motioning for me to walk over towards the dresser. Once there he turned his attention to Nick, �Now you sit on the bed� Nick didn�t move. I was trying to will him to with my mind.  
  
�I said SIT ON The Bed NOW!!!� That got him to scurry onto the bed.  
  
He took a few steps towards Nick which made me kind of do the same. �I didn�t tell you to go anywhere� He said once again hand firmly in pocket.  
  
�When I tell you to do something you do it! Understand?� He screamed kicking at Nick�s feet as he did so. I was hoping the screaming was loud enough to have someone, anyone hear it.  
  
Nick nodded but never took his eyes away from me. He looked petrified, I bet I did too because I was.  
  
�Good� Then he turned towards me again, this Darth Vadar mean looking guy with hand in pocket.  
  
�Please� I said again, this time he laughed, �You keep saying please. You seem like such a polite boy!�  
  
He came over and before I knew what was going to happen he had his hand on my neck. I felt a burning in my back when it hit the wall. I knew it was coming. He was going to kill me.  
  
�Don�t!� I vaguely heard Nick yell in the distance.  
  
�Please what do you want from me?� I asked through chokes as I felt my wind pipe restricting.  
  
He smiled, he was missing some of his teeth replaced by gold ones. I always thought that was a tacky look.  
  
�Why do you always think everything is about you?� He asked letting go a little allowing me to breath before once again restricting my flow of air.  
  
�This isn�t about you. I don�t want you� He then dropped me and I fell to the ground in a heap, chocking and coughing but most importantly trying to catch my breath. I heard Nick run towards me, felt the warmth of his hands on mine before they were pulled away. I couldn�t look up because I was too tired but I heard the man threatening to kill me if Nick screamed again. Again! A hopeful word, maybe that meant someone had heard Nick scream the first time.  
  
The rest was hazy, I managed to kind of sit up on the floor next to the dresser as Nick continued to sit on the bed, still looking at me now with tears in his eyes. Or they could have been my eyes. My vision was a little cloudy.  
  
�I never wanted you. I want him�� He said pointing to Nick who seemed to be shaking. I tried to shake off the sleepy feeling that was coming over me. �Please don�t hurt him, I�ll do anything you want� I heard Nick say. He sounded so far away from me.  
  
I managed to look over at Nick one final time, I could swear he smiled at me. Then I saw the bat in his hands. The man looked at me, held the bat up and said �Nighty night�  
  
And then I blacked out.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

****

**two  
  
Hazy**

  
  
I loved going to drive-ins on Saturday nights right outside of my hometown. My parents started this tradition with my brother and me when we were very little. Every Saturday we would pack a picnic dinner and head on over and watch the double feature. My favorite was always Herbie the Lovebug movies followed by a second feature. Either a cartoon or if we were lucky it was Return to Witch Mountain.  
  
My favorite part of that movie was when Tony would play his harmonica and suddenly all the puppets would come to life. I tried to do that but no matter how many times I sat and stared at my toys they never once budged.  
  
�Mine either� I turned to look at Nick. A very small and young one. He had to be all of ten I swear.  
  
�Where did you come from?�  
  
�I�ve been here all along stupid ass!� I smacked him on the head.  
  
�Don�t say stupid ass in front of my Mother please!� He laughed and pushed a handful of popcorn into his mouth.  
  
�Do you guys mind I�m trying to watch the movie here!� Harold yelled at us from the front seat. Now I was confused.  
  
�Hey I didn�t even know you when you were ten so what the heck are you doing here?�  
  
Nick shrugged as he stole my glass bottle of Coke. �Beats me, it�s your dream�  
  
That�s when suddenly everything changed and we were no longer in our old beat up red pick up truck but now in a dark smelly room. Harold and Nick nowhere in site. This time only me. I placed my arms around myself as I walked through the room rubbing to keep myself warm. It felt like a freezer and judging by the dead animals hanging from meat hooks that�s exactly what it was.  
  
I walked over to the door to let myself out but it was locked. I jiggled the handle as much as I could but still nothing happened.  
  
�Hey! Anyone out there to help me?� I yelled jumping to look through the small window.  
  
There were a few people all standing around but not one of them even pretended to notice me. I grew frantic and started to pound on the door with both fists clenched, �HEY!!! LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!� Still no one seemed to hear me or care.  
  
I turned to try to find another way out when I saw him again.  
  
�Is it too cold in here for you Brian?� He asked holding the bucket of popcorn that Nick and I were so innocently sharing at the movies.  
  
�L-l-l et me out of here!� I said taking a step backwards from him.  
  
�What�s wrong Brian? Don�t you like it in here with me?� He smiled at me with those stupid gold teeth of his but this time they were razor sharp. I screamed at the mere site of them and once again frantically started banging on the door for help. I saw my brother Harold sitting there watching Return to Witch Mountain on the screen. This time the rest of the guys were with him, everyone but Nick.  
  
�HELP ME!� I screamed once more but it was useless.  
  
Now he turned me around to face him once again, he was smiling, his razor sharp teeth only inches away from me.  
  
�This is going to be fun don�t you think?� He asked me as he went to take a bite out of my shoulder. I broke free from him. �Now come on child�.why are you running? Your friend didn�t run� I knew who he was talking about, �Where is he?� I asked trying not to look at his face.  
  
The man pointed at the hooks all holding animal carcasses and there at the very end was my friend Nick.  
  
�NOOOO!!!!� I screamed as the man laughed. �What Brian he was good inside and out!�  
  
�NICK!!!�  
  
�Brian�� I shook him off of me but this time the voice of Darth Vader was replaced by Kevin. Still deep but not nearly as menacing.  
  
�He�s waking up�  
  
�Thank God!� That was AJ.  
  
I tried to force my eyes open but only my mouth would work,�Nick�Nick are you okay?�  
  
I felt someone touch my forehead. �Shhh it�s okay Brian open your eyes for me please�  
  
I opened them but the glare of the bright room hurt me and I wanted to close my eyes once again. I was warm thankfully which meant no freezer with hanging dead Nicks in it.  
  
�Brian�what happened� My cousin asked me as he once again pat my head this time tenderly moving some hair off of my face and firmly holding what I would later find out was his jacket against my head to try to stop the bleeding.  
  
�I don�t�remember�  
  
�You�re bleeding�  
  
I felt hazy and everything was spinning. Where was I? I tried to roll over and stand up but Kevin wouldn�t let me.  
  
�You yelled for Nick. Was he in here with you?� Was he? Why couldn�t I remember?  
  
�I don�t know� I was starting to see things a little bit clearer now as Kevin�s concerned face came into view. Howie was standing off to the side and AJ back a ways.  
  
�How did you guys get in?� I asked scanning the room for a memory.  
  
�Extra key� AJ answered still standing by the bathroom worried.  
  
�Brian was Nicky in here with you?� Howie looked worried. They all did.  
  
�I think he was with me but I don�t remember�  
  
AJ now walked over towards Nick�s room. The adjoining door was semi opened. �Nick....you in here buddy?� AJ called as he slowly walked into the room.  
  
�Maybe something fell on him and hit him on the head?� Howie said to Kevin to try to figure out why I was a bloody mess on the floor. I think I knew better but then again I think they did too.  
  
�Nick?� I heard AJ say he continued to scan our friend�s room.  
  
�Brian I think we are going to take you to the emergency room. I am pretty sure you need some stitches�  
  
I was just about to argue with him, tell him I was perfectly fine and the last thing I needed was a trip to the emergency room when AJ changed all of that.  
  
�Oh my Goooooood. Jesus someone call an ambulance!� The dread in AJ�s voice was so horrid that it�s a tone I will never forget. The slow agonizing way he said the Lord�s name. It was gruesome and terrifying before any of us even knew HOW scary it would be. Just his tone of voice made us all move fast as lightening. Me included.  
  
They all ran in before me. It was hard for me to stand but as I tried I heard the gasps and various cusses coming out of everyone�s mouths. �What happened?� I screamed but they ignored me.  
  
�Okay okay Howie call an ambulance. Nicky you are going to be okay baby. Just hold on� Kevin sounded like he was crying and again I tried to yell, �Guys! Please what�s wrong with Nick?� This time I got halfway up before I fell back down again.  
  
�Get a blanket something to cover him up� Just as Kevin shouted the command I heard the shuffling of feet running for something. Why would he need to be covered up?  
  
�Jesus who did this to you� Kevin mumbled as finally AJ stuck his head in,�Are you okay Rok?� I nodded, �Nick?� Was all I could get out.  
  
AJ was holding a blanket pulled from the bed. �Not good� He said before running back into Nick�s room.  
  
�Where are his clothes?� I closed my eyes and laid back on the floor deciding maybe it would be best if I checked out about now but my mind had other sinister ideas as the face of the man invading my dreams, the one with the sharp golden teeth popped into my head. Then it all became clear as day. I sat up and screamed.  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
Everything that happened from that point on was very unclear to me. I vaguely remember someone running over to me as I screamed. I wanted so badly to tell them what was wrong but all I could do was see that guys face in front of me. I fell asleep shortly after that or at least from what I recall.  
  
I don�t remember going to the hospital. I didn�t remember riding in the ambulance next to Nick as everyone said I did. They said I actually held his hand but again, I have no recollection of that at all.  
  
It wasn�t until night time of the next day when I remember waking up in the hospital with Kevin at my side. He was holding my hand half heartedly. I almost didn�t want to wake up. I was afraid of what I might actually wake up to. It was one thing to sleep in the midst of a nightmare and another to be living wide awake in one.  
  
�Hey buddy welcome back� He whispered to me. I sat up a little bit when I felt a pain in my back and neck. I groaned which had him up on his feet. �Want me to call a nurse?�  
  
�No�I�m just a little achy� I sat up a little straighter this time refusing to let out a moan no matter how badly I felt the need too. �Where am I?� The television was on to some random basketball game and there were a few nice vases full of roses placed about the room.  
  
�In the hospital. Don�t you remember?�  
  
�Kind of�but not really�  
  
He let go of my hand for the first time and sat back in his chair. �Brian do you remember what happened in there?�  
  
I shook my head, �I wish I did but no, the last thing I remember is screaming� Nick?  
  
�Where is Nick?� I was panicking. If Kevin was in here with me that meant there was no need for him to be with Nick.  
  
He stood up and made his way over to me this time sitting next to me on the bed. I wasn�t liking this. My heart was telling me he was gone. Kevin was going to say Nick is dead. We found him in your freezer on a meat hook. Don�t you remember Brian you were playing a harmonica and trying to get him to dance back to life?  
  
�Brian are you still with me buddy?� I looked over at my cousin who was sitting face to face with me staring intently. �He�s in bad shape Bri. The police are going to be coming to talk to you about what happened, now that you are awake�  
  
�Bad shape?� I ignored the rest of what Kevin said. Who cared about police?  
  
�It would help if you could remember what happened to you and Nick at the hotel�  
  
I closed my eyes trying to remember. So many images crossed my mind, Popcorn; soda bottles my family and the pick up truck. �A meat locker�  
  
�What?�  
  
�The guy who attacked us had gold teeth� He decided to ignore my meat locker remark.  
  
�Gold teeth?�  
  
I looked away, �Yes�  
  
�Don�t worry they�ll find the son of a bitch who did this� The look of contempt on his face made me scared.  
  
�What is wrong with Nick?� I didn�t really want to know. I couldn�t bear to know.  
  
�Did the guy try to strangle him? He tried to strangle me� Kevin didn�t say anything but moved closer to me and gave me a hug. �I know he did and I�m so sorry�  
  
�How did you know?�  
  
�The marks on your neck. The doctor said it looked like someone had tried to strangle you�  
  
I pushed him away not wanting sympathy at the moment, �Where are the others?�  
  
�They are with Nick�  
  
�Is he gonna be okay?�  
  
�He�ll�� Three policemen walked into the room which broke up our moment.  
  
�Mr. Littrell how are you feeling?� He asked but it was so insincere I don�t know why he even bothered.  
  
�I�ve been better thanks�  
  
�I�m sure you have. We need to ask you some questions� The main detective who never even bothered to give me his name sat down in the chair Kevin had occupied while the other two men stood and listened.  
  
�He just woke up he may not be ready for this�  
  
�I know that Mr. Richardson but the sooner we get answers the sooner we will get our suspect�  
  
He knew my cousin already which meant that they had talked.  
  
�So you don�t know who did this?�  
  
�No, we were hoping you would be able to help us out with that� It made me kind of scared to know that the man who had done this was still on the loose. Lurking in someone�s freezer probably eating raw meat.  
  
�I�ll do my best� I said taking a deep breath.  
  
I closed my eyes and tried to go back to that place. Feeling my hair stand on end as I once again saw his face and heard his voice in my head�  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

****

**three  
  
Derek Jones**

  
  
The detectives kept asking me the same questions over and over again to the point where I thought I was going to cry. If I couldn't remember it two minutes ago what made them think I would remember it now? They seemed to be annoyed with my lack of descriptions but intrigued that I would remember the gold teeth.  
  
"Why is that so odd? I mean someone with gold teeth is pretty memorable" Kevin said sarcasm tingeing his words. I could tell that he was just as tired of the interrogation as I was.  
  
"You can't think of anything else Mr. Littrell? The more we know the better our chances of finding this guy"  
  
I closed my eyes, a headache threatening to spill from the back of my eyes. I just wanted these people to go away. Leave me alone so I could sleep.  
  
"No...I�m sorry. I wish I could remember, but I can't"  
  
Kevin placed a hand on my shoulder, "It's okay Brian...I think my cousin needs his sleep now so if you don't mind maybe you can come back later"  
  
The detectives looked at each other, "Yeah sure...hope you feel better" The one guy who sounded insincere before said, sounding just as fake.  
  
"Thanks" I laid my head back and closed my eyes as they were walked out the door by my cousin.  
  
"You okay? You need me to get a doctor or anything?" Kevin was back and once again sitting next to me. "No, I think I just need some sleep"  
  
"Everything will be alright Brian" He stroked my head as he said it. It was a little odd actually because even though I knew how protective Kevin was of me he never really showed it by his actions.  
  
"Kevin...tell me about Nick please...I really need to know how he is doing" Kevin removed his hand from my head and sat back in his chair, sighing heavily as he did so.  
  
"Brian, right now you need to rest...we'll talk about Nick later"  
  
"Just tell me is he going to live?" Kevin now moved closer to me once again. I smelled peppermint on his breath. He had a habit of chewing tic tacs like they were ice cubes.  
  
"Yes Brian...he will live" I can't even tell you how happy I was to hear those words. I was sure that he was already lying dead in the morgue. I wanted to know more but I think the part of my brain that knew when I was being overloaded, took over. I nodded and closed my eyes. No longer able to avoid sleep.  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
I awoke to the sound of arguing right outside of my room. I could make out Kevin's voice and possibly AJ's but the other one was foreign to me. Suddenly I was overcome with fear. Maybe it was familiar because it was him. Darth Vader with gold teeth.  
  
Before I could scream for help he entered my room. Standing there in a white lab coat his name tag dangling from his breast pocket. I was too scared to even scream so I just laid there tensing up as he moved closer to me.  
  
"How's my little friend doing?" He asked now hovering over me like a vulture waiting to eat its dying prey. I reached for the call button, maybe I could get a nurse or something in here.  
  
"Brian...why are you so scared? This is a place to help people. No one can hurt you here"  
  
"Get out" I pleaded in the loudest voice I could find within me.  
  
He threw his head back and laughed, it was overdramatic and a little cartoonish but it still scared me to death. I found it hard to breath suddenly, feeling his hands on my throat even though he was doing nothing more then watching me with an evil smirk on his lips.  
  
"What's wrong Brian? You still feel my hands around your neck?" I started hyperventilating now when I still couldn't catch my breath. He just stood there watching me in amusement.  
  
Now in a full blown panic I reached for the call button as he moved close to me and placed his hand over mine. "You better push it faster before you totally lose your very last breath" He held my hand on the buzzer and pressed frantically right along with me. I looked over at his name tag dangling right by my eyes. It was a picture of him smiling a normal smile. "Derek Jones" I said. He let go of my hand and started backing out towards the door.  
  
I was gasping for air as he smiled and waved...bells from everywhere in my room started to sound. Causing doctors and nurses to run in to help.  
  
"Derek Jones" I said once again before an oxygen mask was placed on my face and my eyes closed.  
  
  


~*~*~*~**~*~*~~*~*~*

  
  
I awoke to find my mother sitting by my side. I looked over to her and tried to grab the oxygen mask off of my nose. When she saw me doing that she stood up and made her way over to my bed, "Honey....you're awake. Don't take that off, it's helping you breathe"  
  
I let go when she lovingly grabbed my hands in her own, "You gave us a scare Pumpkin"  
  
"Sorry" My voice sounded muffled behind the mask. I wanted it off of me. "I'll go get a doctor" She said but I wouldn't let go of her hands. Sacred to death that if she left then HE would come in again...Derek Jones. I remembered his name, "mom...Derek Jones"  
  
"What baby?"  
  
"Derek Jones"  
  
"What are you saying Brian I can't hear you. Let me go get a doctor maybe they will let you take that mask off" I held her hands again but decided to let her go find someone. Luckily she didn't have to go far because just as she was leaving the room, a nurse entered. She walked over poked and prodded me and then to my relief took off the stupid oxygen mask.  
  
"Now if you have any trouble breathing please use that button..." She said pointing to the call button next to me, "And someone will come in to help you"  
  
"Thanks"  
  
When she left it was once again just my mom and I, she made her way over to me and held my hand as she caressed my head, "Derek Jones mom"  
  
"Who is that baby?"  
  
"That's the guys who did this to me and Nick"  
  
"Are you sure? How do you know that?"  
  
"I remembered"  
  
After that it all happened very quickly my mom made a call to the police detectives in charge of my case and they were back at the hospital in no time flat.  
  
My mother decided to stay in the room with me as did Kevin who always liked to be around when the police were. He said everyone else was up with Nick.  
  
"So, Mr. Littrell..."  
  
"Please call me Brian"  
  
"Okay...Brian; your mother said you remembered a name?"  
  
"Yes the guy�s name who strangled me was Derek Jones"  
  
"How did you remember that? Did he say his name?"  
  
"Not exactly he was wearing a name tag"  
  
"He was?" The two detectives looked at each other questioningly.  
  
"Yes he came in before and he was wearing a name tag"  
  
Kevin stood up and moved to the door, "He was in this room?" I nodded at him.  
  
"Brian that is impossible, you haven't been left alone since you've been here"  
  
"I was alone before...I heard you arguing with AJ maybe? Then he walked in" Now Kevin looked baffled. But I didn't care about that suddenly a new horror dawned on me; if he was visiting me he would be visiting Nick too. "Oh my God! Someone go check on Nick" I sat bolt upright and my heart monitor started going a little crazy again.  
  
"Brian calm down baby" My mom said rubbing my arm trying to get me to relax, "no you don't understand if he was here he'll go to see Nick. Kevin you have to go make sure he's okay"  
  
"The rest of the guys are up with Nick Brian...he's not alone"  
  
"But he can hurt them too" Now I was crying; getting hysterical actually. Everyone was around me trying to calm me down but the detectives were just watching curious now.  
  
"I'll go check on Mr. Carter myself. I'll be right back" One of the detectives, the nicer one said.  
  
"Thanks" I was able to huff out and I started to relax a bit more.  
  
"Brian, tell me what happened again. When did this man come in to see you?"  
  
"Just before I had trouble breathing. He was going to strangle me again"  
  
"But he didn't?"  
  
"No...He just laughed"  
  
"Then what happened?" I made the mistake of looking over at my cousin who was exchanging worried glances with my mother.  
  
"He left when I said his name...you don't believe me do you?" I directed that question at my cousin as if no one else was in the room.  
  
"Aww it's not that I don't believe you Bri, but we were right here the whole time. AJ and I would have noticed if someone walked into your room. You have been through a traumatic experience and...."  
  
"Save it!" I didn't want to hear him tell me I was crazy.  
  
The nice detective came back into my room, breaking up the uncomfortable silence that was thick in the air. "Nick is fine, no one has tried to get into his room other then his family and your other friends"  
  
I let out a huge sigh, "Thank God"  
  
"Just to be safe Brian, we are going to place a security guard outside both of your doors"  
  
"Thank you" I said glaring over at my cousin who only looked worried back at me.  
  
"And we will run this name through our system to see if we can come up with anything, is there anything else you can think of?"  
  
"He breathes like Darth Vader. I think he might have asthma or something" The detective wrote that down on his notepad and then left.  
  
When they were gone I looked over at Kevin, "I want to see Nick" Once again my mother and Kevin looked at each other like I was a child asking if Santa was real. "I don't think that's a good idea honey" She whispered softly to me.  
  
"I need to see him mom...please?"  
  
"Maybe when you're a little stronger Brian, but not now...I can barely stand seeing him...and I�m well" Kevin sounded so broken when he said that. For the first time I was able to take in his features. He had grown a slight beard and had dark circles under his eyes.  
  
"When was the last time you got any sleep Kevin?"  
  
"I don't think I�ll ever be able to sleep again Brian" He said looking me straight in the eyes.  
  
"Still...I need to see him. See that he is alive" I couldn't look at either one of them when I said that.  
  
"Maybe we can work something out then" Kevin said walking out of the room.  
  
"Then I�ll never be able to sleep again either" I thought to myself.  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**MINE**

  
  
The next few days were kind of a blur to me. I barely remembered being awake for more then ten minutes at a time. Always someone was in the room with me, holding my hand. Whether it be my mother, father, Harold or one of the guys, they never left me alone.  
  
I was plagued with the strangest dreams during that time. Dreams of me running away from a faceless monster, growling behind me "You're all mine now" it would say. I would feel its claws coming close to me, feeling the heat of it's breath on my neck as I would open my eyes. To feel the warm embrace of a loved one by my side. Thanking God it was only a nightmare.  
  
On the third day I woke up feeling much better then I had. No headache at all, no stiff neck and no blurry vision. I couldn't believe that I had been in the hospital for about a week. It felt like only a few hours.  
  
Derek Jones paid me no visits this time around, of which I was thankful. With the security guards on constant watch he wouldn't be able to get in if he wanted to. I was safe and thankfully so was Nick.  
  
The dreams I had always involved him as well. He would be running behind me trying to keep up. The two of us laughing and messing around just like always. Whenever those monsters started to chase me he would disappear and I would be grateful for it every time.  
  
This day I awoke to find AJ sitting by my side, reading a magazine or pretending to at least. He looked occupied. Occupied and tired. Had any of them slept since this happened I wondered?  
  
"Hey AJ" He looked up from his magazine and smiled at me, "Rok good morning to you buddy"  
  
"Is it morning?"  
  
"Well a rock stars morning" He laughed, "It's about 2 in the afternoon"  
  
I moved to sit up and was happily surprised to see it didn't hurt. "Oh, wow I have been getting my fair share of sleep recently haven't I?"  
  
"Yup, you've been a lazy bum"  
  
"Hey AJ, did those cops ever run that name I gave them through their system?" He bit his lip.  
  
"Yeah they said nothing came up but they're still checking on things"  
  
"Oh okay, how is Nick?"  
  
"He's doing much better Rok" It was all relative to me since I didn't know how bad off he was to begin with. Much better meant that he was running around his floor giving the doctors and nurses grief. I couldn't help but laugh.  
  
"What's so funny?" AJ asked smiling at me.  
  
"Just picturing Nick giving the nurses a hard time. He must be getting anxious being in the same room cooped up all day"  
  
AJ smiled back but this time it was forced, "Yeah...I bet"  
  
"Do you think they'll let me go see him today?"  
  
"I don't know...maybe" The mood change in AJ made me a little sick to my stomach.  
  
"AJ how bad off is he? I mean is it that bad? Why doesn't anybody want me to see him?"  
  
"Rok the guy was a sicko, I just don't think any of us want you to relive that. Kevin and Howie are up there with Nick now"  
  
"Is he asking about me at all?" Now I had to make sure that Nick wasn't mad at me. Maybe blaming me for everything.  
  
"He hasn't said anything Rok. He's been in a coma"  
  
"But...I thought you said he's doing a lot better" Those words had hit me hard. Felt like another hit to the back of my head with a bat.  
  
"He is, he's breathing on his own now and his vital signs are better whatever the hell that means"  
  
"He wasn't breathing on his own?" I don't know why I was so shocked. I mean hadn't they all said he was in bad shape?  
  
"NO...we thought we were going to lose him Brian" He called me Brian. That never happened.  
  
"Oh" I laid back on my pillow suddenly losing the energy I thought I had built up.  
  
Another uncharacteristic move was AJ grabbing my hand, "I am so sorry you guys went through hell man. I wish I was there with you"  
  
"No you don't Bone"  
  
"They'll catch the son of a bitch and when they do they better keep him the hell away from me that's all I�m saying" AJ showed his love for us in small ways like the statement he had just made. He was protective, had a very nurturing personality but he was never going to admit that. EVER!  
  
"So they still haven't taken anyone into custody yet?" He shook his head.  
  
"What more do they need? I even gave them his name!"  
  
AJ let go of my hand and pulled his chair closer to me, "I have good news for you though"  
  
"Yeah?" I could've used some good news about now. "What is it?"  
  
"The doctors are talking about letting you go home soon"  
  
"Really?"  
  
AJ nodded, "They said you seem to be doing much better so they are going to have you walk around a bit today and tomorrow then maybe by Friday you'll be a free man"  
  
"If they are going to let me walk, then that means maybe they'll let me go see Nick" Again AJ smiled but would not look me in the face.  
  
"Was he hit with a baseball bat like me?" Now I just needed to know as much as possible. I had been very patient letting them skirt around the questions I had asked and then for a while too tired to stay awake and hear the answers. Now I just needed to know as much as possible.  
  
"Rok, he was hit...yes"  
  
"So, it wasn't what hurt him seriously then?"  
  
"I'm sure it didn't help, but the police seem to think the last thing the guy did was hit him with the bat"  
  
"Last thing?" AJ looked away. Suddenly I wasn't sure if I wanted to know anymore. Last thing meant that there was so much more that happened to my little brother. So much more that I couldn't do anything about.  
  
"Rok" AJ cleared his throat, sounded like he was getting emotional.  
  
"The guy was just a monster...you don't want to know believe me. I wish I didn't know"  
  
"When you guys found him in the hotel room, you said there was a lot of blood..."  
  
AJ nodded again. I could see that he was mentally going back to that place. "We thought he was dead"  
  
"Where was he when you found him AJ? I mean I think I remember it was you that found him"  
  
"He was right outside of the tub"  
  
"The tub?"  
  
"Yeah I think the son of a bitch tried to drown him in the tub" Before either of us could respond to that Kevin walked into the room. I think AJ was grateful for the reprieve because he jumped out of his chair the second my cousin entered. "Hey Kevin...Rok i'm going to go for a little walk. You want anything? I can sneak you in some Mac and cheese from the cafeteria if you want"  
  
"No thanks AJ, I�m good" AJ smiled at me as he made his way out the door.  
  
"Did I interrupt something?" Kevin said probably feeling the tension in the room.  
  
"No, we were just saying that I was anxious to see Nick"  
  
"Oh"  
  
We sat in silence for a few minutes, Me letting what AJ said about Nick's condition sink in. "Kevin will you take me up there to see him?" Kevin looked at me with sleep filled eyes.  
  
"Brian I don't know..."  
  
"I know he's in bad shape. AJ told me...I just need to see him"  
  
"Okay...I�ll go ask if it'll be alright"  
  
"Thanks" He stood up and left my room. I closed my eyes for a minute. Just a minute...  
  
 _"What makes you think I wanted you?" I felt him against me as he had me pushed against the wall.  
  
"Please don't hurt me" I begged my legs felt like Jell-O underneath me.  
  
"It's him I want. He's mine" He was wearing that stupid name tag again in a white lab coat. Derek Jones but this time the picture was different. It was more sinister somehow. He was pointing at Nick who for some reason was sitting on my bed reading a comic book. It looked like A Spiderman one.  
  
"Please leave us alone...you can have my money anything you want, but leave us alone"  
  
He let me drop to the floor; Nick looked my way when I fell but then quickly went back to reading his comic. Derek pulled out a knife from his pocket. It was small but had a very sharp jagged edge. He was going to slit my throat. Not strangle me like I had thought he was going to do. I felt the blade go into my skin right above my breast bone. It felt like I was being burned.  
  
"Mine!" He laughed as he cut. _  
  
"NO!" I screamed opening my eyes as my cousin walked back into my room. I quickly moved my hand across my chest just to make sure I was only dreaming.  
  
"Are you okay?" He asked me walking over and scanning my body.  
  
"Yeah, I was just dreaming"  
  
"Oh...nightmare?" I nodded.  
  
"Want to talk about it?"  
  
"No"  
  
"The doctor said I can take you to see Nicky as long as you are in a wheelchair and promise not to stay that long" I looked over at the wheelchair sitting by the door. I hadn't noticed him bring it in.  
  
"Okay good"  
  
"Are you sure Brian?" For just a brief second I almost said no, but I had to see him. No matter how bad it might be.  
  
"Yes, let's go" He brought the chair to me and I moved to get in. A nurse came in to make sure I would handle the transition okay and asked if we wanted her to escort me. I said it was okay. Kevin could handle things from now on. I didn't want her in there.  
  
As we moved into the elevator and headed towards the ICU Kevin placed a hand on my shoulder, "Brian he doesn't look good. I just want to warn you, I can't even stand to see him"  
  
"I need to see him Kevin" We were both so sad. Kevin sounded so defeated.  
  
The elevator dinged and immediately the smell of death hit my nostrils. The crying people around the reception desk. The beeping of ventilators and heart monitors. I already couldn't stand it. I remembered being attached to those machines and the fear that lived inside of me because of it. I think somehow it was easier being the one sick than witnessing someone you loved go through it.  
  
I remember Kevin saying that to me as I lay in my hospital bed. It was easier for me than him. I didn't believe him but now as we approached Nick's room... I did.  
  
One of the Carter girls was at the end of the hall talking to someone who I couldn't see. I was hoping the parents were nowhere around because I couldn't deal with seeing them.  
  
Howie walked out of the door just as we were about to go in, "Hi" He said giving me a nod. "How are you holding up?" He asked me even though I felt I should have asked him that question. He looked like hell.  
  
"I'll be better once I see him" Kevin and Howie exchanged worried glances and then finally I was pushed into the room.  
  
It was out of a nightmare. At first you couldn't really see him because there was a privacy curtain around him. Probably to keep gawkers away. ICU was less private then the room I was in. The security guard was sitting in a corner of the room reading a magazine. It was easier to look at him though because just by the beeping sounds I didn't want to look at Nick.  
  
I finally forced myself to. He was lying there in the middle of the bed lifeless and pale. He had an oxygen mask covering his mouth and he was attached to a ton of wires and various drip bags.  
  
"My God" I gasped as Kevin rolled me closer to him.  
  
He had gauze bandages all over his arms and wrapped around his head. "What did he do to you Nicky?" I asked in a whisper. I went to grab his hand but stopped, afraid I would hurt him.  
  
"It's okay B, you can take his hand. I do it all the time" Howie confessed now moving to the other side of the bed. I moved for his hand. It felt so cold to the touch.  
  
"Why is he all bandaged up?" I asked but still not able to take my eyes away from my best friend.  
  
When no one answered me I continued, "Was he burned? Is that what all the bandages are for?" Still no answer.  
  
"Dammit answer me!" I said growing impatient and causing the guard to look my way.  
  
"No Brian he wasn't burned he was stabbed"  
  
"Oh my God" I pictured the knife I had dreamed about. Felt the burning as it cut through my flesh.  
  
"He was stabbed all over the place?" I asked scanning my little brother's body seeing how many bandages I saw.  
  
"Kind of, not really stabbed, but..." Kevin paused to regain his composure, "more like carved"  
  
"What?" I started breathing fast now, almost hyperventilating.  
  
"The guy carved the word MINE all over Nick's body"  
  
I lost it then. I moved my hand away from Nick and placed it over my mouth as I started to sob uncontrollably. Kevin and Howie came to my side but I ignored them only looking at Nick.  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

****

**Friends Forever**

  
  
I was with my friend in his room for all of about ten minutes but it felt like an eternity. I wondered in that time if that was what hell would be like? No rock collecting while a demon whips you if you go to slow. No walking in a circle around and around turning some wheel for no other purpose but to become totally exhausted. Not anyone of those things. No, hell would be looking at the face of a friend who was brutally tortured knowing you were lying in the next room asleep.  
Now I know I wasn't just sleeping. The guy had hurt me to, but it was nothing compared to what he did to Nick.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Maybe if I had forced myself to open my eyes, I could have crawled in there and stopped him. Maybe he then would have gotten mad at me and hurt me instead. That was the good Brian talking. The one who lied deep within me though, the scared one, the one that people would say is the logical one thanked God I hadn't met the same fate.  
  
When Kevin brought me back to my room neither of us said one word. He tried to once; he tried telling me the details. For some reason maybe he thought I was finally ready to hear them but I wasn't so I stopped him. I said now was not the time and that was that. Conversation dropped.  
  
I wish it had dropped in my head though. No, in my head thoughts about that night went on and on. Was he awake when that happened? Or maybe he was carved after he was beat with the bat. Did he think he was going to die? Did he wish he had died? Did he wish that it was me who that guy was torturing instead of him?  
  
I decided at that point that my relationship with Nick would never be the same. Could I ever look him in the eyes again knowing how lucky I was and how unlucky he was? When he smiled at me would I see the secret resentment he had in the back of his eyes? Maybe he would blame me for not helping, not doing more to make sure he was okay. I was his hero as everyone said to me all the time. "He looks up to you Brian, you're his hero"  
  
Some hero.  
  
Yeah I made up my mind. I couldn't bear to see him anymore. Not after this.  
  
"What's on your mind?" I looked at my cousin who had been standing by my side the whole time. Trying to help me back into bed.  
  
"Nothing" I lied.  
  
"Brian, he's going to be okay. He keeps getting better everyday"  
  
"He will never be okay Kevin. Neither will I"  
  
"Of course you will" I wanted to argue but what was the use? He wouldn't understand. I wasn't sure I wanted him to understand. He helped me into my bed and even placed the covers on top of me.  
  
"Thanks" I said secretly wanting him to leave me alone. All I wanted was to be left alone.  
  
"Brian" Again I gave him that look. He understood and stopped.  
  
"Well, I�m going to let you get some sleep; I�ll be back later okay?" He was asking my permission to leave. I could read my cousin like a book. No one else much understood him and I would find it amusing. I was always able to tell when he was mad or sad or frustrated or like now, when he desperately wanted to escape an uncomfortable situation.  
  
"Okay sounds good" I smiled at him, giving him the reassurance he wanted.  
  
After Kevin left I wanted to close my eyes and just go to sleep but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, sleep would not come. Maybe I was just afraid to see him again. My assailant. Feeling his hot breath on me while he placed his hands on my neck. Or maybe it was really Nick's face I was afraid to see. I sat up straight suddenly needing to make sure that security was right in my view.  
  
Unfortunately as soon as I was briefly reassured that he was there I also saw one of those detectives enter my room.  
  
"Mr. Littrell, I have to say you are looking a lot better"  
  
I smiled, "Thanks" I really didn't feel like dealing with this right now.  
  
"I heard you paid a visit to your friend today"  
  
"Yeah I did and I�m kind of tired so if you don't mind..."  
  
"Mr. Littrell"  
  
"Remember you can call me Brian"  
  
"Right, my bad...Brian, how did you get that name again? Derek Jones?"  
  
"Did you find something out about him?" Finally the break I was looking for.  
  
"Not exactly, I just wanted to get that story from you again. I'm kind of confused about it"  
  
"He came into this room and was wearing a name tag"  
  
"But Brian, there was no way this man could have come into your room. Are you sure it wasn't a dream?"  
  
"It was real" But even as I said it, I was having doubts.  
  
"Maybe it was a repressed memory. Sometimes when you go through something like you did, details come out in strange ways"  
  
"You a therapist now?" I didn't want it to come out as sarcastic as it did but I just couldn't deal with this.  
  
He seemed not in the least surprised by my reaction which made me mad in a disturbed kind of way. Like he thought I was lying or something, he even smirked. Now I found myself wishing that Kevin hadn't left me alone with this guy.  
  
"If it's okay with you and your doctor Brian, I would recommend that you talk to a therapist. It might help us find this man before he maybe attacks someone else"  
  
"So you couldn't find Derek Jones?"  
  
"No" I shook my head in frustration. They even had his name! There was a long pause, I thought he was going to leave but instead he continued, "One other question"  
  
"Okay"  
  
"Your friends said they found you unconscious when they entered your hotel room"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"And the last thing you remember is the guy..."  
  
"Derek Jones" I was quick to correct him.  
  
"Right, Derek Jones said something like nighty night to you and hit you with a bat"  
  
I shuddered at the memory, "Yes"  
  
"Where was Nick at that time?"  
  
"On the bed watching"  
  
"So nothing had happened to Nick yet?" I shook my head. "Besides the guy kicking at his feet"  
  
"Right I remember you saying that" He stopped and headed towards the door, "There's just something that makes no sense to me Brian"  
  
"What is that?"  
  
"When you came in you were a bloody mess, most of it was from your head injury but you also had Mr. Carter's blood all over your hands. How do you explain that?" I felt my heart start racing as I looked over at the detective. Was this some kind of weird game he was playing with me?  
  
"That's impossible...he was fine unless the guy maybe came back to me after he had..." I couldn't even finish my thought. The picture of Derek torturing my friend then coming back to me with Nick's blood on his hands. "Maybe he thought I was dead and wanted to check?" I couldn't even look at the detective at this point.  
  
"Why would he just leave you alive like that?"  
  
"I-I-I don't know"  
  
"His blood was under your fingernails Brian. Nick's blood" I felt a tear fall down my cheeks. Hoping that at any moment I would wake from this nightmare. Find myself in another pick up truck with the guys and my brother.  
  
"I don't know how" He nodded just as Kevin walked into the room once more.  
  
"Hi detective"  
  
"Hi...well I�m glad you are feeling better Brian. I hear they are actually going to let you go home soon" He smiled at me once again as fake as can be. I looked away still tears running down my eyes.  
  
Kevin walked closer to me not realizing I was crying, "I don't like that guy" He said placing a small bag on my lap, "Oh my God what's wrong? Why are you crying?"  
  
"Did you know that I had Nick's blood on my hands?" I asked looking him straight in the eyes. I wasn't dumb, I realized he did know but chose not to tell me.  
  
"That son of a bitch! Did you say anything to him Brian?"  
  
"I didn't have anything to say" Kevin walked towards the door again as if to try to catch the detective and wring his neck.  
  
He looked out then came walking back, once again sitting on my bed. "Did he say anything else to you?"  
  
"No, why would I have Nick's blood on my hands Kevin? Did you touch Nick then me?"  
  
"No Bri, but you shouldn't worry about that right now"  
  
"It makes no sense..." I rambled trying my hardest to think back to that day. "He told me to see a therapist"  
  
"He what?"  
  
"He is going to recommend that I talk to a therapist"  
  
"Maybe that's a good idea" He said warmly moving my hair out of my eyes.  
  
I tried to take my attention away from what I had just learned and focused on the bag, "What's in the bag?"  
  
Thankful for the change of subject Kevin went to the bag and lifted out a frame, "I know how hard this whole thing has been for you I just thought you might like this by your bed" I grabbed it from him and in the frame was a picture of Nick and I arm in arm wearing cheesy grins and our Frick and Frack hats. I started crying once again; "Thanks" I was barely able to get out.  
  
"I don't think I can ever see him again Kevin"  
  
"Maybe that's a good idea...until he is awake and his smiley self again" He faked a laugh as I held the picture frame closer to my chest.  
  
"I mean never, not after this"  
  
He sighed, "Brian you don't mean that. Right now you are not thinking clearly. I'm sure he doesn't blame you"  
  
"He doesn't have to...I do"  
  
"Brian...is there anything else that happened that you�re not telling us?" I was confused by that question. I seemed to come out of nowhere.  
  
"Of course not why do you ask?"  
  
"Just wondering. You can tell me anything you know. I'll never say a word"  
  
"There's nothing"  
  
"Okay" he said half smiling at me but the concern on his face was showing through.  
  
I looked at the picture once again staring at our happy faces. Friends forever the caption under the picture said.  
  
Friends forever.  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

****

**Scattered Pictures**

  
  
I was sitting all alone in my hotel room. The same one I was attacked in. The lights were off, the TV on but muted and all you could hear was the percolating of the complimentary coffee maker. The room should have smelled like a dark roast Columbian blend but it didn't.  
  
There was a foul stench in the air. Like rotting potatoes that stayed out in the heat too long. As fear took over I tried to remind myself I was only dreaming. After all I knew the routine by now. Whenever I closed my eyes to sleep I was transformed to a place where nightmares lived. My nightmares, which used to consist of overly huge bunnies hopping after me, telling me they wanted me to feed them more carrots had transformed into a whole new level of fright. Now I would do anything to see one of those menacing beasts again. I would scratch it behind its ears and tell it you have no idea what true terror is buddy.  
  
I stood up to check on my coffee, even though I had a feeling that when I got to the counter top that housed the coffeemaker nothing would be there. True to form I was correct but the sound of percolating still existed. The counter was right off of the bathroom which was the only light on in the room.  
  
Once again I knew that if I looked in there I would not be happy, but dreams sometimes have a mind of their own so of course I looked. There was Nick sitting on the floor holding out his bloody hands to me. "Why Brian?� He kept asking me over and over again, tears streaming down his eyes.  
  
I didn't know what to say so I ran to him and handed him a towel. He was too shaky to accept it so I tried to stop his bleeding.  
  
"It hurts B...it hurts" He pleaded. I once again tried to will myself awake.  
  
"I'm so sorry Nick..." I placed the towel on his chest to try to stop the flow of blood.  
  
Then I saw him again, he was sitting in the tub, fully clothed and watching the entire scene. He started clapping. "That was just so heart warming. I don't even know what to do with myself"  
  
Derek got out of the bathtub, using Nick's shoulder as an anchor and grabbed the towel out of my hands.  
  
To my disgust he wiped himself with it, leaving a smear of Nick's blood all over his face.  
  
"I hate you!" I screamed at him. The magic words that would transport me from the sleeping world back to reality.  
  
I opened my eyes to find myself in another hotel room. But this time the one I should have been in. I was happily released from the hospital the day before and had been carted to a beautiful sweet at the top of a luxury hotel where I was staying with the other four boys, my brother and his girlfriend Amy.  
  
Actually I take that back...other three boys.  
  
My mother and father reluctantly had to go back home but promised that by the end of the week they'd be back.  
  
As if hearing an invisible call button my brother walked in, ironically enough holding a cup of coffee. "Well at least I know why I dreamed coffee" I said sitting up. My neck was still stiff but overall I was okay.  
  
"Do you want some Bri?" He asked sitting on the chair across from the bed. I shook my head.  
  
"Have another nightmare?" I nodded at him. They had all become very used to my little nightmares. I often times woke up in the hospital screaming for Nick or even crying. This time according to Harold it was a small I hate you that sparked him to come in and keep me company.  
  
"You know, I wish you would reconsider and come home with me tomorrow" He blew on his coffee. My brother didn't even like coffee. He drank it like some people smoked cigars; for social purposes.  
  
"I can't leave now"  
  
"You aren't doing him any good staying. You need your rest; it'll do you good to be home with mom and dad"  
  
"I just can't...not yet anyway. I need to be here" And I did. My parents were hoping that when they left Philadelphia I would be going with them. Of course with all that had happened we were on a forced break and they felt like I should be at home with them and not in a strange city, the same one where I was nearly beaten to death with a bat in.  
  
The others felt the same way. I should go home and get my rest but I couldn't. Not as long as Nick was lying in a hospital room still unconscious.  
  
Kevin had come to get me the night before I left the hospital to see if maybe I wanted one more visit with Nick but I told him I was too tired.  
  
I lied.  
  
I just couldn't do it. "When are you talking to that therapist?" Harold asked trying to pull me back to where he was and away from my drifting thoughts.  
  
"Today..." I said letting him know despite seeming far away I was right there, "she's making a house call"  
  
"Do you want me to stay in the room with you Thumper?" I laughed; "You haven't called me that in about 15 years" My mind went back to the brief image of giant killer rabbits.  
  
He smiled and shrugged at me, "Just popped in my head I guess"  
  
"No you don't have to stay in here with me"  
  
"You sure?" I nodded, "Where are the others?" I already knew just making sure.  
  
"At the hospital" He answered just like I knew he would. "AJ hung around a little while but because you were sleeping he decided to go with Howie and Kevin"  
  
This was the part when I needed to ask; again it was just the same as a nightmare only this time I wouldn't be waking up. "How is he?" I looked over at my brother as he stood up and walked close to me.  
  
"He's doing better Brian. Better every day. I just went to see him myself this morning. He hasn't woken up yet but the doctors are confident he will soon"  
  
"You went to see Nick?"  
  
"Of course I did after all he's kind of like my teeny brother you know since you�re my little one he has to be the teeny one"  
  
"He would've liked seeing you there" I said biting on my bottom lip.  
  
"I wish he had seen me there" He said putting his next to full cup of coffee down on the table.  
  
We both sat on my bed for a while watching an infomercial until Amy walked in with my therapist.  
  
When everyone kept pushing for a therapist, I really was reluctant but I had said okay but if I need to talk to one, I would like a female. I just didn't feel comfortable talking about being scared and insecure in front of another guy. Call me a sexist jerk but I knew a guy would walk away laughing at what a coward I was.  
  
Harold got up off the bed and shook the ladies hand, "Hi, I�m Harold and that's my brother Brian"  
  
She smiled at him then directed her attention to me, "Hello Brian"  
  
"We'll leave you two to talk" He said grabbing Amy's hand and walking out of the room.  
  
I moved off of the bed and to a chair rubbing the back of my neck. She extended her hand to me "I'm Kathryn� She looked young maybe around Howie's age.  
  
"Nice to meet you"  
  
I have never in my life ever thought I would need a therapist. Some of the other guys there was no question in my mind they would. AJ was committable most days and Nick well, was Nick. I was the sanest one of us, so being in the presence of a therapist now seemed almost comical.  
  
"What are you thinking?" She asked crossing her legs and brushing her hair out of her face.  
  
"Just that I never thought I�d have to talk to a therapist...no offense of course"  
  
"None taken, so why don�t you tell me why I�m here?" She asked placing her notepad on the table.  
  
"I don't know, everyone seems to think this would be a good idea"  
  
"Everyone meaning whom?"  
  
"The police, my doctor, my parents, the guys..."  
  
"What about you? Do you think it's a good idea?"  
  
"I don't see how it's going to help"  
  
"Have you had any nightmares?" She got right to the point and it shocked me.  
  
"Some...how did you know?"  
  
"It's common after a traumatic event to have nightmares about it. Do you ever see the face of your attacker?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Do you relive your attack?"  
  
"Kind of but not really. It's always him but the scenario changes"  
  
I sat with Kathryn for the next hour and told her about nightmare after nightmare. And she just nodded and wrote things down on her pad. I felt comfortable talking to her, like she was an old friend.  
  
When we were done she stood up and took my hand, "Brian it's completely normal to have the feelings you are having and the dreams. When you go through something like this sometimes your brain remembers things like pictures. Bits and pieces of truth mixed in with fantasy. Your mind's way of remembering"  
  
"Thank you" She smiled as I walked her out of the suite and to the front door.  
  
"I hope your friend will be okay"  
  
"Me too"  
  
AJ had come back to the suite while I was in my session with Kathryn and walked up and gave me a hug, "you're looking good Rok"  
  
"Thanks"  
  
"She was pretty hot"  
  
Brian laughed, "Yeah AJ you two should date I�m sure you'd make an excellent case study for her" I stopped smiling, "So...how is he?"  
  
"About the same" I nodded.  
  
"Maybe you and I can go back there later?" He had a hopeful look in his eyes.  
  
"I don't know J, maybe"  
  
"Okay buddy" He placed his hand on my shoulder but I looked away, embarrassed that I didn't want to see my best friend. After all I had seen him more then once today already. I shuddered feeling his blood seep through the towel as I held it close to his body. All the while Derek Jones laughed in the background.  
  



	7. Chapter 7

****

Living in a Nightmare

  
  
_�We have to get out of here Brian� He was scared and shivering. I had never seen him as pale and innocent looking before and I thought I had seen just about every side of Nick that there was.  
I placed my arms around him and gave him a huge hug, �I know we do kiddo...I know�  
  
�Try the door again� I walked over to the bathroom door and grabbed the handle. It wouldn�t move, but I heard the chair which was helping to jamb it closed rattling as I pushed my body against it.  
  
I turned and searched the bathroom, the place where we were being held prisoner, looking for something, anything that might give me some leverage against the weight of the door. There was nothing.  
  
I turned and ran at full speed hoping my weight would be enough but the door held firm.  
  
Turning towards Nick, holding my shoulder that I had just rammed I felt defeated, �It won�t budge�  
  
�What are we going to do� His eyes grew wide with panic.  
  
�I don�t�I don�t know�  
  
Surely by now the guys must have realized we were in trouble. We must have missed something; some kind of meeting time?  
  
�He�s going to be back any minute� Nick was rubbing his arms trying to keep himself warm. The guy had ripped his shirt right off of him, the remains of the shredded shirt lying on the ground by the toilet.  
  
By instinct I went to take mine off to give to him. �Don�t! Remember what he said he�d do if you gave me your shirt?� That made me stop, we were in trouble.  
  
�HELP!� I screamed at the top of my lungs banging on the door with all my might. �HELP!!! SOMEBODY!!�  
  
Nick just slunk to the floor, probably the same realization dawning on him. We were in trouble. _  
  
I took a deep breath as I sat up in bed; it looked to be early morning. These dreams I was having were making no sense. I remember being hit on the head as Nick sat on the bed. Where all this other stuff was coming from was my imagination. It had to be.  
  
I stood up and massaged my neck. It had become a habit to do that whenever I thought back to that day. As if rubbing my neck would make the pain those dreams and memories held go way. Walking over to the curtain I pulled it back slightly to see an overcast sky. The weather in Philadelphia had been dismal ever since we arrived. Maybe it was God�s way of telling us things would be bad here.  
  
I have to say that since Derek Jones entered my life religion exited. It was hard having faith in a God who would let something as horrific as that night happen to two people who loved and lived by his example. Okay maybe I�m speaking more for me than for Nick but he�s just a kid you know?  
  
�How could God let this happen to us?�  
  
�Did you say something Brian?� I turned to face Kevin, my new and most likely permanent roommate. He was lying sprawled out on the couch, trying his best to make his long legs fit onto the love seat.  
  
�Do you ever sleep anymore?� I asked walking back to my bed and sitting down across from him.  
  
He sat up and yawned as if that should be answer enough. Wrapping his blanket around him he turned on the light.  
  
�So what did you say?�  
  
�I said why would God do this to us?� He looked surprised by my question but I didn�t see how he could be. It seemed like a perfectly logical question to ask. I did everything right, went to church every Sunday when able to and when not I took time out of my day to pray.  
  
�Brian�it�s not like that�  
  
�How is it not like that?�  
  
�It just isn�t. You can�t blame God for what happened�  
  
�Oh yeah? Then who should I blame? You? Where the hell were you when we needed you?�  
  
I felt horrible the second that left my mouth. How did I manage to blame my cousin for this? He looked down at the floor, �I�m sorry Bri�  
  
�No don�t be�that was stupid I�m just not thinking nowadays�  
  
�We had no idea�that��  
  
I stopped him, �I know�  
  
Now he stood up and came and sat next to me on the bed, �You look like you have goosebumps on your arms� He said wrapping the blanket he was using around me. Images of a cold half naked Nick flashed by my eyes. �I�m having these weird memories Kevin. They don�t make sense because...well they just don�t�  
  
He gently rubbed my back, �Tell me about them�  
  
�We were locked in the bathroom and I was banging on the door for help�  
  
�But you said that he just hit you on the head and that was that� I nodded, �I know�it doesn�t make any sense�  
  
�You think that maybe you just blocked it all out?� I shrugged, �But that memory is so vivid though, of him hitting me on the head�  
  
�Did you manage to break down the door?�  
  
�I don�t know, I just was screaming for help. Then I woke up�  
  
�Because the door was broken� the bathroom door when we�� He stopped he hated remembering this part, �When we found Nick. The door was off its hinges�  
  
�It was?� I really wasn�t surprised this time. Nothing much surprised me anymore. �Yeah it was, so maybe you guys managed to break down the door�  
  
�But that would mean that there was more to it then what I remembered�  
  
�It would also explain how Nick�s blood got all over you� That I knew but maybe I didn�t want to go there. The fact that there could have been more that my brain wouldn�t allow me to remember was a little too much for me to deal with just then.  
  
�I can�t ever close my eyes without going back there in one way or another. I feel like I am living in a nightmare�  
  
He squeezed just a little bit tighter as he held onto me, �I know you do�I do too�  
  
Maybe because I was just overly agitated but that really bothered me what he said, �You have NO idea what this feels like Kevin!�  
  
Again my tone was accusing and he moved his arm away from my shoulders. �You�re right Brian I have no idea what kind of hell you and Nick went through, I�m not even going to pretend I do, but I DO feel like I�m living in a nightmare too�  
  
�I just don�t understand why us?�  
  
�I don�t think there�s an answer out there that would be suitable enough for you to want to hear�  
  
�And he�s still out there Kevin�this monster is still out there�  
  
�I know�  
  
I rubbed at my eyes fighting the tears that wanted to spill out. Since this attack I had become so vulnerable. He once again wrapped his arms around me, �I know you don�t believe me but it�ll get better Brian�  
  
He was right I didn�t believe him, but somehow it still felt comforting to hear. The tears came then and they came hard once again. He only sat next to me quietly letting me cry. What else was there to do?  
  
�Don�t tell my mom okay? I know she calls you every day for updates and I don�t want her to worry� I asked when the last tears had dried and morning was now fully upon us.  
  
�I won�t� He smiled at me surprised by my knowledge of those phone calls. I really didn�t know for sure but I did know my mother.  
  
�Let�s order breakfast I�m starving� He got up and walked out of my room. Another night over thank God.  
  
Even thinking the word God I cringed. I had so many questions, so many internal struggles at this point. I was so angry at God. How could the same entity that I spent hours praising and pledging my love to do something like this to me and someone I loved so much? How could he alter my whole entire life like he had? I was never going to be the same. Nick was definitely not going to be the same, if he even lived. Maybe if he died it would be better for him. I sighed almost bringing a whole new well of tears out. Then I stopped!  
  
It was the mental image of my attacker that made me stop. Him wearing smug smile with his stupid gold teeth. He was the one that wanted me to feel like this. Probably the best thing to happen for him would be if Nick died and I lived wallowing in self pity.  
  
�Stop!� I yelled at myself turning away from the mental image of Derek Jones, feeling the bile rise in my throat, ready to puke from fear.  
  
I stepped out into the main room to see Howie sitting at the table. I had barely seen much of Howie. He spent most of his time keeping vigil at Nick�s bedside. All the guys did but it was Howie who remained there at all times.  
  
�Good morning D, I�m not used to waking up and seeing you here�  
  
He looked so tired; Howie. Huge circles under his eyes, his hair unkempt and a slight beard growing. Very un-Howie like.  
  
�How did you sleep?� He yawned, I really think since this happened no one slept soundly anymore.  
  
�Good as possible I guess�  
  
�Good� He looked back down at the paper he was reading. Drinking a cup of coffee and having some honey dew.  
  
�Is AJ with Nick?� He nodded, �He demanded I come home because I was stinking up the place�in AJ�s so eloquent words�  
  
I laughed and poured myself a cup of orange juice. �I�m glad you did. You look beat; maybe you can just hit the sack for a few hours�  
  
�Maybe� I could tell that I was right, no more sleeping for the Backstreet Boys.  
  
�Howie� He looked over at me, �That day that it happened��  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
�About how long was it before you guys came up to my room? How much time went by between when you saw us last and when it happened?�  
  
He put his paper down and his eyes told me he was trying to figure out the time in his head. �It�s hard to say because you guys went to play basketball first, but I would say about 4 hours or so maybe a little more�why?�  
  
�Just trying to make sense of it all� In my head four hours was enough time to do unspeakable things. How long did we actually play basketball? Maybe the whole incident took only thirty minutes? But then where was the guy if he DID really lock us in the bathroom? Would he have enough time to lock us in there and then come back?  
  
�Brian there�s no sense in what happened to you� I had never quite heard Howie take that tone before, it was different. Maybe Kevin was right, it was a nightmare for them as well as me.  
  
�I ordered us some breakfast more than that fruit plate. You need to eat some more Howie, you�re looking a little peaked� Kevin said walking over to the table and sitting beside me.  
  
�I�m really fine� He said pushing away his plate of half eaten melon.  
  
�How have the Carters dealt with all of this?� I decided to ask randomly. I hadn�t allowed my mind to go to them because honestly I wasn�t a huge fan of the way they raised their son. In a lot of ways I felt like my cousin did a better job fathering Nick then his parents did.  
  
�Like any family who have had something devastating happen to one of their kids�  
  
�Have they been at the hospital?� Howie nodded, �They come and go but yes they are there quite a lot actually.  
  
�Not so much nowadays but at the beginning they were all there all the time� Kevin added.  
  
�Good, Nick needs his family now�  
  
�To Nick we�re his family� Kevin grabbed a slice of Melon off the tray and put it in his mouth.  
  
�They have really done a good job at hounding the police about catching this guy�  
  
�Good� We were quiet for a few minutes.  
  
�They blame me don�t they?�  
  
�NO Brian, of course not. No one blames you for anything� Once again Kevin�s arm found it�s way around my shoulders.  
  
�I would�if I were them, I�d blame me�  
  
�No you wouldn�t�  
  
�Will he have scars for the rest of his life?� These were questions that didn�t fit a breakfast conversation, nor were they questions that my friends wanted to answer.  
  
�I�m sure with the best plastic surgeons in the business they will be minimal�  
  
�But they�ll still be there� I said flatly.  
  
�Yeah� Kevin answered in just as flat a tone.  
  
When breakfast came we sat and ate in silence, none of us really that hungry after all.  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

****

**Have a Little Faith in Me**

  
  
After breakfast that day I decided I needed to do some soul searching so I asked our security if they would be kind enough to escort me to a church. Now Kevin was very leery when it came to letting me go anywhere without him or one of the other guys PLUS security and in all honesty I hadn�t been out at all since being released from the hospital.  
Everyone thought it best if we kept a very low profile; keep ourselves out of the papers and headlines. Everyone did hear about the attack at least it made all the local news and papers but because we weren�t incredibly famous yet it managed to stay out of all the entertainment reports.  
  
The police were hoping that the few instances of media attention we did get would manage to coax our attacker out into the open but he remained very much invisible.  
  
Still Kevin thought it was best if I stayed in the hotel and away from any paparazzi that were looking for a quick buck by putting my picture all over the place.  
  
He argued with me a bit, not quite understanding why I would let security go but not him. I wasn�t about to tell him that sometimes it�s best to be disconnected to everyone around you to talk to God. At least that is how I always felt about the subject anyway.  
  
Some of my most spiritual moments came in solitude. Just me alone with my thoughts and my God. Prayer and faith to me have always been sacred. Just as they should be, and I knew that security�well they would wait outside but not Kevin, no Kevin would be sitting right next to me.  
  
See I had questions for God, questions that Kevin wasn�t meant to hear or to answer. It�s Kevin�s nature to try to solve everyone�s problems though. That�s why I left him at home.  
  
I told our driver that I didn�t care what denomination we went to, I felt at home in any church. I wasn�t going to a service I was going just to go. We found a nice Catholic church about three and a half blocks away from the hotel.  
  
It was beautiful and majestic like most Catholic churches were.  
  
It took some convincing but I managed to let our security guards, the ones that everyone now felt were necessary to us, stay outside the church doors as I ventured inside.  
  
There were only a few people in the church, a smell of incense radiating from the front where a couple of old ladies knelt while praying by lit candles. My footfalls echoed as I made my way down the aisle but no one even gave me a second look. Most of them were there to do just what I was. Maybe they had their own questions about things.  
  
I stopped halfway to the alter, the Crucifix looming large over its magnificent marble pillars.  
  
I sat and bowed my head in prayer, so many thoughts running through my mind it was almost impossible to collect them into coherency.  
  
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and then like water, my thoughts just began to flow.  
  
Why Lord would you let those awful things happen to us? To Nick? He is only a kid. A sixteen year old kid. Tell me what kind of a God takes a sixteen year old kid and lets him be carved like some kind of Thanksgiving turkey? How is that fair? How is that right? I was always taught that everything happens for a reason. You have a reason for each and every one of us. What reason does Derek Jones have? Why is it that he is roaming around free and loose while I feel like a caged animal?  
  
Thoughts like that flowed in and out of my mind; trying desperately to hear an answer, maybe even an apology. Something that would make me have faith again, because ever since this attack happened I began to lose faith in everything.  
  
My heart started to quicken as I heard footsteps approaching me. Since my eyes were closed I was afraid to open them only to find Satan himself sitting next to me. Nevertheless I opened my eyes to see a young priest walking my way. Just to be certain, I did a quick scan of him to notice no name tags.  
  
�Hello young man� He said sitting down beside me. It was funny hearing him call me young since he looked all of 22 if he was a day.  
  
�Hi� I whispered back to him.  
  
�You seem troubled about something�  
  
�Isn�t that why everyone comes here father?� Was I being sarcastic with a holy man now?  
  
He laughed, �That�s probably true, forgive the interruption I just like to see if the people who visit our home need to talk� He got up probably sensing an unwelcome feeling. �I�m sorry father�I guess I just have questions�  
  
�Questions?� He sat back down and gave me his full attention.  
  
�Why is it that God makes awful things happen to us and the people we love?� He nodded, I got the feeling that this wasn�t the first time he was ever asked that question and it probably wouldn�t be the last either.  
  
�Well�it�s hard to say. I know this is going to sound extremely clich� and probably something you wouldn�t want to hear� but the Lord works in mysterious ways.  
  
I smiled, couldn�t help it.  
  
�A good friend of mine was brutally attacked father�� As the words came out of my mouth I tried my hardest not to cry. �He�s only 16 and his life might never be the same�  
  
The priest put his hand on my shoulder and made sure to look me in the eyes, �I am so sorry to hear that�  
  
�I need God more then ever right now but I feel like he�s turned his back on me� It felt slanderous coming out of my mouth but that�s how I was feeling.  
  
�It�s normal to feel like God has forsaken you at times of crisis, but that�s when you have to hold your head up high and look up to him and say no matter what happens Lord, I know you will help me get through this�  
  
I nodded at him staring down at the floor noticing one of his hands was greatly deformed. It almost looked like a lobster claw. �Faith will get you through whatever crisis you are going through right now. There is nothing more powerful then faith�  
  
Now he lifted his hand to me, the one that looked lobster like �Faith heals son�  
  
I once again felt myself wanting to say something biting, I have become so ugly. He didn�t give me a chance, �I was attacked when I was a child, maybe about 10 years old. For no reason a man broke into our house and killed my parents and my sister as they slept� He moved his good hand over the bad one, �I wasn�t quite as lucky�as he tortured me and I felt the flesh burning, melding my fingers together the only thing I did was pray. I�m convinced that�s why I am alive today. My faith pulled me through�  
  
�I�m sorry that happened to you�  
  
�Don�t be�it was a long time ago and like I said my faith got me through. Right now you have a lot of questions, just close your eyes and trust in God� He made me feel better. Not sure why, I mean really he said things that any man of faith would say. Maybe I felt better because I knew that someone else went through hell as well. If he got through it, then I could too. If I got through it then Nick would as well.  
  
�Thank you� He stood up again and extended his good hand to me, �You�re very welcome. I will keep your friend in my prayers�  
  
�His name is Nick�  
  
�And I will keep you in my prayers as well Brian�  
  
�Thank you father�  
  
He walked away and I watched as he waved to one of the parishioners and walked past the candles. I closed my eyes and continued my silent prayers, in the distance the father apologized to someone �Excuse me� He said.  
  
�That�s okay�  
  
I slowly glanced up at the voice. It was low and gravelly; his asthma must have been really acting up. We locked eyes Derek Jones and I as he lit a candle and smiled at me. My heart began to race and I couldn�t find my voice. He began slowly walking towards where I sat and I couldn�t do a thing about it but just watch. As he got closer his smile grew wider. I felt like a mouse struggling to break free of a glue trap.  
  
Then as he reached the first set of pews leading up to me, I did spring free. I got to my feet and flew out of the church. I didn�t hear him chasing me but I was not about to turn around and look. The people all looked up as I darted past them, Questioning gazes in their eyes. I should have yelled out to them to run because the maniac was in there and would most likely set the place on fire and watch them burn. But I didn�t. He wasn�t there for them, he was there for me.  
  
I pushed open the massive oak doors and squinted at the brightness of the sun. �He�s in there� I shouted to both guards who had accompanied me to the church.  
  
They looked at each other then one went running inside. �Are you sure?� I was out of breath but nodded, �Yes� I managed to squeak out. I was shaking so hard I looked like I had Parkinson�s disease. I couldn�t control my legs as they wobbled underneath me and for just a second I felt like I was going to fall.  
  
The guard noticing how unsteady I was, grabbed my arm and led me to the steps to sit down, �Take deep breaths Mr. Littrell. Do you need me to call an ambulance?�  
  
I did what he asked of me, taking the biggest breaths I could to avoid passing out and regain my composure, �No�I�ll be fine�  
  
Within a few minutes the one guard who took off into the church called the other via walkie talkie. He walked away from me momentarily while they talked. I couldn�t believe that he followed me to church, I was overcome with the shakes again as I thought about that. How long as he been watching me? Following my every move?  
  
�Police are on their way�  
  
He said to me as he walked closer and knelt beside me, �For now I think it�s best to get you back to the hotel�  
  
�Did he catch him?� I asked hopeful even though I could tell he had not.  
  
�No, he thinks he might have gotten out some back door. The police will come and we�ll scout out the area. We might catch him this time�  
  
�Nick?�  
  
�Already on it. We also sent some police officers over to the hospital just in case� I nodded a little bit relieved.  
  
When we got back to the hotel I was totally wiped out but it was nothing compared to the looks on both Howie�s and Kevin�s faces, �Are you alright?� Kev asked me walking over and giving me a hug.  
  
�I saw him Kev�he was at the church�  
  
�I told you I didn�t want you going alone�  
  
�It�s okay nothing happened. Maybe they�ll catch him this time�  
  
�They better�  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
I had about fifteen minutes to myself before a few detectives came by with of course more questions. At first when we saw them we were hopeful they were coming with some good news. I should learn to stop being so optimistic.  
  
�Do you find him?� Kevin asked before I even had a chance to open my mouth.  
  
�Not yet but we have our men covering a five mile radius around the church. If he was there we�ll get him�  
  
�He WAS there� I said looking the man in the eyes.  
  
�What was he wearing?�  
  
�He was dressed in all black, long black coat and black turtle neck�  
  
�And what was he doing?�  
  
�He was lighting a candle at the front of the church�  
  
�You�re sure it was him?�  
  
�Positive�  
  
�What did he do when he saw you?�  
  
�He smiled and started walking towards me, that�s when I got up and ran out of there�  
  
The guy took all the information down nodding occasionally as he did so.  
  
�Is there anything else you can tell us? Anything that might help?� That�s when I remembered the priest.  
  
�I was talking to a priest and then as he was walking away I think he might have bumped into the guy. Maybe the priest saw what direction he went?�  
  
�Do you know what the priests name is?�  
  
�I never asked�but he had a disfigured hand. Kind of looked like a lobster claw�  
  
�Thanks that�ll help� He stood up and got on his cell phone.  
  
�You talked to a priest?� Howie asked a little surprised.  
  
�Yeah, he was nice. Been through hell himself�  
  
The detective walked back over to us, �Are you sure you talked to a priest?�  
  
�Of course I�m sure�  
  
�Because the priest in the church right now said he didn�t talk to anyone matching your description�  
  
�Maybe it�s not the same guy. The one I talked to was young�  
  
�Okay well they are looking for him; they�re questioning the father right now�  
  
�Good� I needed to get out of there for just a second, �I�m going to use the bathroom I�ll be right back� I said standing up, Kevin actually standing up as well. �I think I can do this alone Kev�  
  
I suddenly knew what it must�ve felt like being Nick. The nights he would sit and complain to me about my own cousin and how overly protective he was, I would laugh and roll my eyes. Now I knew. Just something else the two of us had in common now.  
  
I walked into the bathroom and spilled some cold water all over my face. For a brief second afraid that when I opened my eyes it wouldn�t be me in the mirror but a reflection of him�Derek Jones. So I didn�t even look, just wiped my face off and left.  
  
When I got back Howie and Kevin were still sitting but now the detective was standing with his arms folded in front of him. I approached slowly, not really looking forward to what he might have to say.  
  
�Did you guys find that priest?�  
  
�Mr. Littrell, there is absolutely no priest at that church that matches the description you gave. The father said that it was just himself and another priest in his mid seventies handing out communion and offering confessions.  
  
�Maybe they weren�t aware he was in there�  
  
�No, they have NO priest even associated with them matching that description, could you maybe have just imagined the whole thing?�  
  
�What? NO!� I backed up now not believing what I was hearing. �He told me about how he hurt his hand, said he made rounds and talked to all of the parishioners�  
  
�We asked everyone Brian�not a single one mentioned a priest or a man dressed all in black. All they remember is you running out of the church�  
  
�That�s�.that�s impossible. He was there�we talked� Now Kevin and Howie were looking down at the floor as I stood there in shock.  
  
�He said he would pray for us. He said...� Then it dawned on me, right there towards the end of our conversation�I told him to pray for Nick and he called me Brian.  
  
�He said what?� Kevin asked no longer able to hide his concern.  
  
He called me Brian�I never told him my name. He just new�oh my God. I�m losing my mind.  
  
�Brian?� I looked over to them all now, �I think I might have been mistaken�  
  
�That�s just fantastic� The detective said not even bothering to hide his anger. Howie and Kevin weren�t upset about it just confused and alarmed. They were thinking I was losing my mind too.  
  
�What do you mean you�re mistaken Brian?� Howie asked me as the police detective walked away no doubt to call off the search.  
  
�It seemed so real�the priest and I we were talking but he said my name. I never told him my name� Kevin laid a hand on my shoulder, �Why don�t you lie down and rest for a little bit. Maybe your memory will become clearer after you rest�  
  
�I don�t understand it Kevin�it makes no sense� I was on the verge of losing it now.  
  
�You have been through such a terrible thing Brian, it�s probably normal�  
  
Yet I could tell he was thinking it was odd. �Is it possible you fell asleep in the church B? You know maybe you dreamed the whole thing. You did say you closed your eyes� I looked over at Howie lost for words. Maybe I had dreamt the whole thing but it felt so real.  
  
�He told me to have faith�  
  
�You should have faith� Kevin said smiling at me and embracing me once again.  
  
Howie walked away to answer his phone when Kevin once again became serious, �Maybe you should talk to that therapist again? She might be able to help you understand what�s happening to you�  
  
�Do you think I�m crazy Kevin?�  
  
�Of course not. I think you are just having a hard time right now�  
  
�Guys!� Howie�s alarmed voice broke the uncomforting silence.  
  
�What is it D?�  
  
�That was AJ�Nick is awake!�  
  
One word rang through at that moment while Kevin so happily picked me up off the ground and kissed my cheek and that one word was faith.  
  
  



	9. Chapter 9

****

Awakenings

  
  
_�When I was five years old I had a near death experience. I was lying in my hospital bed barely able to breath. It felt like I had a pile of rocks on my chest and whenever I tried to take in a breath larger then a gulp of air the burning I felt in my lungs made me almost want to cry.  
I knew I was dying.  
  
I mean I was so young and probably didn�t fully understand what was happening but yet I knew. Things felt different to me suddenly, I felt like I was floating and the pain in my chest subsided ever so slowly.  
  
The calmness that comes when you know you�re about to die is just incredible Nick�really�  
  
�The fact that you�re telling me this isn�t making me feel any better Rok� I held him tighter and tried my best to smile. The same feeling I had back then was gradually overcoming me now. I knew there was no way this guy was going to let us live, not the way he was talking to us. We sat in the bathroom huddled together like two newborn kittens. Trying to figure out what exactly this guy was planning next. He had locked us in the bathroom together and we heard him shuffling things around, more like throwing things around in Nick�s room. That�s where we were; locked in his bathroom.  
  
�Brian I thought you were dead�when he hit you with that bat, I thought you were dead and I was going to have to go through this alone�  
  
�I would never leave you Nick, never�okay?� He nodded and then dug his nails into me as the door to the bathroom flung open. _  
  
�Brian you okay you seem to be zoning out?� I gasped and swiped the hand I felt on my shoulder away. I saw Kevin�s concerned face staring back.  
  
�Yeah I�m�just thinking�  
  
�Did you hear what Howie said cousin? He�s awake�  
  
I smiled and felt another wash of relief creep over me. The room became a sudden flurry of activity as our various management and security started talking to people who would want to know the latest and best of news.  
  
�We are going right over� Howie said on the phone to someone, my guess was AJ once again. Or had he ever hung up in the first place?  
  
Kevin looked at me and smiled, I don�t think I have ever seen him this happy before. I was happy too, but more confused then anything else. I wish I could accurately describe how I was feeling at that moment. The mix of relief and fear blending together in my stomach causing me to want to puke.  
  
What if I did that to Nick? What if he woke up and said �Brian tried to kill me?�  
  
Or worse yet, because deep down inside I knew that wasn�t really what happened. But the worse scenario would be if he wanted to ask me why I let him get hurt.  
  
�Brian?� I looked over at Kevin who was trying to do about a million things at once, �We�re going to the hospital buddy, let�s go�  
  
�I don�t think I can Kev� He looked at me like I had five heads, �What do you mean you don�t think you can?�  
  
�I just don�t think I can go there and see him yet� Even though I was secretly substituting the word ever in my head.  
  
�Of course you can Brian�  
  
�We should go now guys� Howie said motioning for one of the security guys to get ready to walk us out the door.  
  
�I can�t�not yet�but tell him I love him� Kevin looked part perplexed and part perturbed but he nodded, �I will�go get some rest okay?�  
  
�Okay�  
  
Howie smiled at me in a semi pitiful way and then they both walked out and with them around five other people. I sat on the couch then, wondering why in the world I had just done that. I was so happy he was awake yet I had no desire to see him.  
  
�I�m just not ready� I found myself justifying to the empty room. The two remaining people left to baby-sit me saw my uneasiness and decided to go sit outside on the balcony. I threw off my shoes and lay down on the couch placing my hand over my head as I did. I really felt like I was going to die that day. If nothing else I can remember that much.  
  
I felt the fear welling up inside of me as if it was that day, but yet I couldn�t remember why I was afraid in the first place. �Think Brian�.think�  
  
 _�I�m thinking as hard as I can Nick�� I had a hard time seeing, the blood from my head still gradually falling into my eyes.  
  
�He�ll be back any second Brian�please� The panic in his voice was escalated so high that he made my trembling hands actually quake.  
  
Nick was handcuffed to a chair and I couldn�t get him free.  
  
I staggered back to the bed, maybe there was something I could use to help pry them off.  
  
�Brian hurry�please he said he was coming right back� His lips were now white with terror. That was the word� terror.  
  
I fell heading towards the bed, �Are you okay?�  
  
I didn�t answer, to speak would make the world spin again and I had to get him out of here before that monster came back. �Brian?�  
  
I got my bearings and was able to stand with the aide of the dresser. �Do you have your pocketknife still Nick?�  
  
�I think so� He was struggling to break free and sweating, his own head and mouth bleeding. I pulled open the dresser with such force the drawer flew out and with it all of Nick�s clothes. I sat on the floor going through everything; I could have passed for a rabid fan trying to score a perfect keepsake from my idol.  
  
�Where is it Nick?�  
  
�I don�t know�maybe my backpack?� I stood up and once again got mildly dizzy and had to stop for a second. I saw the backpack lying next to him, �Okay please God be in here� I begged as I dumped the contents on the floor.  
  
�Brian you have to get out of here�  
  
I ignored him and kept looking frantically for anything. He had packs and packs of gum in his backpack but yet nothing to pick a lock.  
  
�Brian�.leave please, before he comes back you have to go� Tears were streaming down his face.  
  
�I can�t leave you�  
  
�You have to; you�ll never get the lock picked in time. Go and get help� I looked at him and felt so defeated.  
  
�Please�� He was whispering now, �It�s the only way�  
  
I was almost convinced but I didn�t have time to act on it because he opened the door and smiled wearing a white lab coat, �Awe look who�s awake� He started walking slowly towards us, the bat he had used to hit me in his hand with a big chip missing from the side.  
  
I didn�t have time to think I grabbed the backpack and charged at him yelling, �You son of a bitch!!� _  
  
�You son of a bitch!!� I screamed again as I made contact with him and whapped him in the head,  
  
�Brian stop!�  
  
�Don�t tell me to stop let him go now!�  
  
�Brian wake up it�s me AJ�calm the hell down� He grabbed me by both shoulders and shook me as I opened my eyes to be met with his confused brown ones. I was huffing and out of breath still feeling the anxiety but gradually calming down.  
  
�It�s me�AJ� He repeated softer and gentler. We were on the floor, �Hi AJ�  
  
�Hi�  
  
He was out of breath too and had a big red mark across his face where I slapped him. �I�m sorry AJ�I just thought�  
  
�I know it�s okay man�it�s okay� He placed his hand on my shoulder.  
  
�AJ what are you doing here?�  
  
�When you didn�t show at the hospital I thought I�d come and check to you see how you were�  
  
�Is he really awake? I wasn�t dreaming that was I?�  
  
AJ smiled, �No Bri�you weren�t dreaming that�he�s awake�  
  
�Thank God�how is he?�  
  
�He doesn�t stay awake for more then maybe 2 minutes at a time. He opens his eyes, looks around and then goes back to sleep�  
  
�Has he said anything?�  
  
�Yeah�he says Brian�he wants you dude, that�s why I�m here�  
  
�He said my name?�  
  
�Not just once either Rok. Every time he wakes up he says Brian�  
  
�He does?� AJ nodded and once again smiled at me.  
  
�I think I�m remembering things J�slowly they are coming back to me�  
  
�About what? That night?� I nodded.  
  
�What kinds of things do you remember?�  
  
�Just bits and pieces, it�s like every time I go to sleep my brain wakes up. Nick was handcuffed to a chair and I was trying to find something to pick the lock�  
  
�Yeah?� He looked as if we were sitting by a campfire telling ghost stories. �And then we were locked in the bathroom�  
  
�Rok are you sure that they aren�t just anxiety dreams?�  
  
�I wish I knew�  
  
�Well now maybe we have someone to ask�let�s go see him Brian, I promised him I�d bring you� He stood up and then gave me his hand as a crutch to get myself off the floor. I wasn�t sure I would be able to handle this, going to see him. It was almost like looking into those blue eyes would make the reflection of that day come back at me full force.  
  
Maybe I blocked it out for a reason. Maybe I didn�t want to remember. Of course I didn�t want to remember�duh me.  
  
�Are the guys there?�  
  
�Yup but right now his parents are in with him, so we had some free time, that why I came to grab you�  
  
�He didn�t say anything about what happened?�  
  
�Brian he�s not saying much of anything except for your name�  
  
�Okay let�s go� I said putting my shoes back on and walking out the door.  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*

  
  
When I got to the hospital Howie and Kevin were sitting in the waiting area of the ICU sipping coffee and laughing. I couldn�t recall the last time I had seen them both that happy and relaxed. AJ pulled me by my sleeve to where they were sitting and immediately Kevin stood up and gave me a hug.  
  
�Hey I�m so glad you decided to come�  
  
�Why are you out here?� AJ asked glancing back at Nick�s door which was closed.  
  
�The doctor is in with him right now�  
  
�Oh� I was feeling anxious and felt the need to sit down.  
  
�Rok said he�s remembering things from that night�  
  
�You are? You mean more of those dreams?� I nodded at Kevin.  
  
�Just bits and pieces of things�  
  
�You should tell the police what you remember Brian, they are around here somewhere�  
  
�I know D�but I doubt they would believe me�  
  
The door to Nick�s room opened and out came a doctor and a nurse, my heart started to race as they walked towards us. �He�s ready for more visitors now� he said smiling, �but try not to stay in there too long, he�s got a long way to go but he is definitely on the right path� He glanced over at me and winked.  
  
Kevin pat me on the back, �Come on and let�s go see our Frack� He sounded almost as if he was ready to cry but I kept focusing on the doctor as he turned and once again winked at me. Briefly transforming into the face of Derek Jones smeared in Nick�s blood. �Brian what�s wrong?�  
  
I looked to see the three of them staring at me, �What? Oh nothing...� I smiled and started to walk towards Nick�s door, �Let�s go�  
  
We walked into the room and that same security guard who was there with him the last time I visited was still there now and I could swear he was reading the same magazine. Nick was asleep but looked so much better now. He had a bit more color to his pale skin and only a hint of blue under his eyes.  
  
This time he wasn�t connected to quite so many wires but still enough of them to make me uneasy. I sat beside him and grabbed his hand; it was still a little cold to the touch. I felt a small grip and looked over to see him struggling to open his eyes. Kevin and Howie moved closer to the bed as he stirred as if they were peering through the glass at a newborn.  
  
�That�s it baby�open your eyes� Kevin whispered gently caressing Nick�s forehead, willing him to wake up.  
  
Slowly his eyes opened and he let out a small groan, �That�s it baby�  
  
His grip on my hand tightened a little bit, still weak by Nick standards though. It almost felt like a child�s hand. He looked up at Kevin who was now once again teary eyed staring back at him, �There�s my little man�  
  
He swallowed a couple of times which made Howie go for the water, �Nicky�you want some water?� Nick groaned again and shook his head, and then he said my name.  
  
�Briiiiaaaan� It came out as a croak.  
  
�Nick�I�m right here� My own voice came out cracked and weak. Maybe I was just in awe. He turned his head slowly towards me, the exertion it took to do that evident by the grimace on his face.  
  
�Briaan?� He said it like a question this time and all I could do was nod.  
  
�I�m here Nick�I�m here� Now I felt tears filling my eyes as my own grip on his hand tightened. He tried to smile and it looked like one of his smirks, �Brian� He said sounding relived then he closed his eyes once more but still held my hand trying to tighten his grip.  
  
I felt myself do the same thing; I never wanted to let him go.  
  
Kevin still played with his hair as Howie and AJ looked on, none of us saying a word just staring at Nick while he lay there sleeping.  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

****

**Strobes**

  
  
I can�t even recall how long we all sat there staring at Nick as he slept, my hand still grasping his although the grip had loosened considerably. Part of me wanted to shake him awake, impatient and wanting to know all that had happened. There would be time for sleep later, now I needed to have him alert, smiling next to me just the way it used to be.  
  
The selfish me was once again making himself known, because what I really needed more than anything else was his memory of that day. I needed to hear from him what happened since my own brain had managed to block out most of it.  
  
�Wake up Nick� I whispered not even meaning to which caused Howie to place a loving hand on my shoulder, �Don�t Brian�he needs his rest�  
  
�I know�sorry�  
  
I looked across the bed at my cousin as he stared at Nick�s arm. The faintest hint of an E could be read through the cotton and that is what Kevin was staring at. He sighed and looked up when he felt my eyes on him; all I could think to do was give him a small smile which he returned before looking away from all of us and focusing his eyes on the wall.  
  
I turned my attention back towards Nick, it may sound odd to say but for as long as I have known him, I�ve always delighted in watching the boy sleep. There was something about the way he laid, so quiet and calm in contrast to his anything but personality. When I�d be completely homesick, longing for nothing more than a piece of my mother�s homemade apple pie and her warm embrace, watching Nick sleep usually in the hotel bed next to me, transported me to home and everything normal that used to be my life.  
  
On some horribly lonely nights I would even go so far as sliding into bed beside him, letting his rhythmic breathing lull me to sleep only to make sure I would wake up and go back to my own bed before he ever found out. Seeing him sleeping so soundly made me almost want to forget everyone else was in the room and jump into bed with him now. I longed for that kind of sleep. One without dreams and thoughts.  
  
�The police keep asking to talk to him even though they know he has barely woken up� AJ walked closer to us now, he had stayed in the background which I guess I couldn�t blame him.  
  
�Well they�re just going to have to wait� I saw Kevin clutch Nick�s hand once again staring at his wound, it was hard not to actually. I wonder how often that would happen to my friend now. Walking in the street as people randomly gazed at his graffiti.  
  
�Mine� Everyone looked at me, I hadn�t realized I said it out loud.  
  
�At least it�s far enough up on his arm that a longer short sleeved shirt can hide it�  
  
�I�m sure that will be a wonderful consolation for him D� Kevin�s sarcasm wasn�t meant we all could tell but Howie moved from behind me and towards the door, �I�m going to get some tea�does anyone want anything?�  
  
�Nope� I answered for us�I turned back to look at Nick when my eyes locked onto his arm only this time, the wound was still fresh and bleeding. Blood clotting at the bottom of every letter looking like a font one would use for Halloween. I became claustrophobic and stood up myself, �Actually Howie�I�d like to come with you�  
  
When I started to move away I realized Nick was still holding my hand in his. He tightened momentarily before loosening his grip all together. �I�ll be back Nicky�I just need some air� And I did. If I didn�t leave at that moment I am convinced that I would have thrown up on him.  
  
Once we were out of the room, Howie noticed my unsteadiness, �You okay Brian?� I wanted to say yes but flashes of memory came at me again, like strobes on a disco ball, one second it was Howie and I in the hallway the next it was Nick and I in the bathroom. He was lying unconscious and had his head in my lap.  
  
�Brian?�  
  
�I�m going to be sick� I turned to run towards the bathroom with Howie on my heels. Throwing the first stall�s door open I bent over and vomited, �Do you need me to get help Brian?�  
  
I stood up and wiped my mouth with my sleeve, �No�I�m okay� Pushing past him I made my way to the sink and splashed water on my face. �Brian��  
  
�I said I�m okay� Leave me alone!!� For the three or so years that I had known Howie D, never in my life had I yelled at him. I guess there is a first for everything. �I�ll be right outside if you need me� I wanted to apologize but instead I nodded at him.  
  
Once he left I sat on the hard, cold floor with my knees up to me chest, the water was still running but I didn�t care.  
  
 _�God� please wake up Nick�you have to wake up�  
  
�That was your fault!� I heard his voice loud and clear in my memory as the public bathroom in the hospital transformed into the private one in the hotel room.  
  
�Please Nicky� for me please open your eyes�  
  
�Please Nicky for me�open your eyes� He mimicked me as he sat on the toilet watching.  
  
I tried to ignore him, focusing my attention on Nick, he had to be okay because it was my fault, the guy was right. _  
  
In the hospital bathroom I moved my head to hit the wall, moving my arms to wrap around my legs. �What was my fault? What did I do?� I tried to remember.  
  
 _He stirred on my lap, turning his head slightly to show the wound that had resulted from his fall._ �He hit him� I closed my eyes and said it again hoping I would remember more.  
  
 _�You hit him�  
  
�Only because he was trying to help you� Derek Jones said as he moved to sit right beside me. He laughed when I tried to move away from him. There was nowhere else to go though, maybe that�s what he thought was so funny.  
  
�Why are you doing this to us?�  
  
�Wow that�s a good question�I wish I had a good answer for you�  
  
Nick stirred once again, �Awe look sleeping beauty is waking up�maybe he won�t try to be a hero again� Nick opened his eyes and they instantly locked on mine. I placed my hand on his forehead to move away the blood smattered hair that was in his eyes.  
  
�Brian�did I get him?� I smiled through my tears, trying so hard to be brave for my friend but I couldn�t. He was a hero not me. _  
  
�Brian?� I opened my eyes to see Kevin walking into the bathroom slowly followed by Howie. �You called for backup I see� I said through tear filled eyes. Kevin walked over and squatted down next to me, �What�s going on Bri?�  
  
I couldn�t even answer him because I had no clue so I just laid my head on my knees and turned my face away from him. �Want can I do Brian?�  
  
�Nothing Kev�there�s nothing you can do�I�ll be okay I just need to think�  
  
�By sitting on the floor in a bathroom?�  
  
 _�The last place I ever wanted to die was in a bathroom Brian�  
  
�You�re not going to die Nicky; we�ll get out of this okay�  
  
�You are a liar� _  
  
�I�m a liar�� I whispered to my cousin as I felt my tears dripping onto my cheeks.  
  
�What?�  
  
�I told him we�d get out of this okay�I lied�  
  
�Brian what are you talking about? You aren�t making any sense�  
  
I turned to look over at Kevin but saw the frightened look of Nick staring at me, _�I�m not lying Nick. This guy wants money or something�  
  
�If he wants money then why didn�t he just take the money and leave? Why did he hit you on the head and then ��  
  
�Then what?� I tried to read his eyes, but nothing came.  
  
�He doesn�t want money Brian you heard him�he said he wanted me� He was massaging his wrists, still red from the handcuffs.  
  
�He�ll have to go through me first�  
  
�Oh interesting proposition, I�d very much like to go through you first!� _  
  
�Brian you�re scaring me�Howie go get some help�  
  
�I�m fine�Howie I don�t need anything�  
  
�Brian what were you talking about? Then it looked like you zoned out on me�  
  
�I am starting to remember things Kevin�  
  
�Oh� The way he said it made me mad, like he wanted to end with _not this again_. �You don�t have to believe me if you don�t want to but it�s true, there was so much more that happened to��  
  
 _�Fine� I said standing up and making my way towards him willing my shaking legs to steady, I would be so much more convincing if I wasn�t walking like a big blob of jello.  
  
�I thought that little knock on the head with the bat would have taught you a lesson the first time�  
  
�I guess I�m slow� He didn�t give me time to even think he pushed me and I went sailing out of the room. �Brian!!� I heard Nick scream from his spot in the bathroom.  
  
�Seems like I need to teach you an old fashioned lesson boy�_  
  
�Brian what were you about to say?� I looked over at Kevin, �Us�so much more happened to us�  
  
Kevin and Howie looked at each other at that point and as if reading each others minds, Howie shut the bathroom door and locked it so no one would interrupt us.  
  
�What are you remembering?�  
  
 _Once again he came at me, shoving me against the wall, �So let�s see what exactly do I have to do to get to him?� He said pointing back at Nick who was just now getting to his feet. He was shaking so violently I thought he was going to wet himself.  
  
�If it�s money you want��  
  
�So that�s how you plan on standing up for your friend? By bribing me?  
  
�We won�t tell the police you can just take the money and go� Any cool I had was now lost as he once again put his hands around my neck. I slowly felt my feet leaving the ground.  
  
�Let him go!� I heard from behind the guy as he suddenly grimaced in pain and let me drop to the floor. Coughing and struggling for breath I saw him going at Nick now, grabbing him the same way he had grabbed me. I had to find my strength to help him._  
  
I took a deep breath once more feeling the need to vomit, �After he hit me with the bat I woke up after that, he had Nick handcuffed to a chair�  
  
�Oh my God�  
  
�I tried to get him free but I couldn�t�I don�t really remember what happened next because the next memory I have is me in the bathroom with Nick�  
  
�You were in there�with him?�  
  
I nodded straightening my legs and wiping my tears away. �Brian we need to tell the police about this�  
  
�I know�  
  
 _I threw Nick�s backpack at him, that thing had served as a good weapon since we got into this mess. It worked because he let go of Nick and looked back over at me. �This is going to be so entertaining I can tell already�  
  
He walked over to the bat, how I missed the bat when I was looking for something to hit him with was beyond me but he started walking towards me with the bat and I backed myself into yet another corner. �Maybe you need a knock on the other side of your head this time�  
  
That�s when Nick went at him full force, throwing himself on top of the guy, tackling him to the floor. �Go for help!� He yelled to me and I briefly saw an end to all of this. I started for the door as the guy managed to get out of Nick�s grip and I turned towards them to see Derek Jones hit my best friend upside the head with the bat.  
  
�No!� I screamed as Nick sailed to the floor.  
  
�Take another step and I�ll crush his skull� He said holding the bat over Nick�s unconscious body. _  
  
�He made me help him drag Nick into the bathroom, the whole time telling me I was a wimp�  
  
�Brian you did the best you could� Howie said reassuringly, trying his best to not visualize the images I had created in his mind.  
  
�That�s when he was lying there with his head in my lap�I�m just remembering random things, out of order�but it�s all starting to come back to me now� I placed my hand over my face trying to forget what that felt like, to feel so close to freedom and then just a few seconds later know that it was only the beginning of hell.  
  
�Maybe we should go find the police and you can tell them what you remember while it�s still fresh in your mind� I nodded and let Kevin help me to my feet. As I turned to leave the bathroom another image came to me which made me run into the stall and vomit once again.  
  
�Brian what is it?� Kevin asked standing outside of the stall and letting me do my business. I wanted to tell him but I couldn�t because I wasn�t sure if my mind was playing tricks on me or not.  
  
�I�m okay let�s go��  
  
�You sure?� I nodded not very confident in my own words as I closed my eyes and once again pictured myself carving an M into Nick�s arm as he looked on in horror.  
  
  



	11. Chapter 11

  
  
  
  


**The Hiding Place**

  
  
I hated when I had to do anything associated with the police. They always looked at me as if I was the devil. I guess I can�t really blame them since my story had changed so many times already. In fact if I was them I would believe that maybe it was me that did all those horrible things to Nick.  
I shuddered at the thought, once again seeing the image of me carving the word MINE into Nick�s skin. I had to be wrong about that. There is no way I could have done that to him�  
  
�Mr. Littrell?� I looked up to see a detective staring at me. �Are you okay?�  
  
�I�m fine�  
  
�So you were telling me about the bathroom� I sighed, �Yes we were locked in the bathroom while he was looking for something in Nick�s room�  
  
�Looking for something?�  
  
�Yeah at least that�s what it sounded like to me�  
  
�What happened next?�  
  
�He already told you he is remembering in bits and pieces�  
  
�Yes I understand that Mr. Richardson but the more he remembers the better chance we have at finding this guy�  
  
�Did you find the bat at least?� Both Kevin and I looked over hopefully at the cop; if they found the bat then surely they would have found fingerprints.  
  
�Not yet, but we have found some fingerprints that we are in the process of trying to match up�  
  
�Good�  
  
�Anything else you can think of?�  
  
�No�sorry but maybe the memories will continue to come back� I left out the image of me cutting up Nick for now anyway. I could barely stand seeing it in my head let alone verbalize it to anyone.  
  
After he left I sat back in my chair, a headache making its way from my temples to the back of my head, �Bri...why don�t I take you back to the hotel?�  
  
�I told Nick I�d be right back� Not that I wanted to go see him again, frankly it was all seeming a bit too much but yet, I couldn�t go back to the hotel. I had to stay next to Nick, and hold his hand.  
  
�Brian?� Once again I looked over at Kevin, �I�m staying but maybe if you could track down some aspirin for me that would be great!�  
  
He pat my back and kissed the top of my head, �I�ll see what I can do� Ever since this happened we have all been overly affectionate with one another. Maybe it was to compensate for the lack of affection from Nick. Out of all of us, Nick was the one who would always be hugging on or kissing on one of us. We all used to complain about it until it stopped. Now I�d give about anything for him to come up behind me and give me a wet sloppy kiss.  
  
I stared at my cup debating on whether or not to get another cup of coffee. I was sitting in the cafeteria, or as the guys liked to call it, the hiding place. I guess when Nick and I were first brought here and they felt overwhelmed they would use needing a good old fashioned cup of coffee as an excuse to take a break, so they would come to the cafeteria, their hiding place.  
  
I guess that�s what I was doing now, hiding.  
  
�Excuse me�can I borrow that salt?� I didn�t even look up, just rubbed at my temples, �Yeah sure�  
  
�Thanks a bunch� It took a few seconds for the voice to register but when it did I slowly turned in his direction. He was sitting at a table with about three other people, wearing a gray smock and scrub pants.  
  
I can�t even tell you how long it must have been that I stared at the guy until he looked over at me and smiled.  
  
�Brian�here�s your aspirin� I turned towards Kevin who suddenly had an alarmed look on his face, �What�s wrong you are as white as a sheet�  
  
�Sit� I instructed him, trying my best to remain calm.  
  
�What is it?�  
  
�Okay well first please tell me you see that group of people over there� Kevin looked over a little to boldly for my liking, �Yeah I see them why?� Thank God I wasn�t hallucinating this time. It was hard for me to tell these days.  
  
�What about them?� He whispered, once again the man who asked for my salt gave us a small smile.  
  
�That�s him�  
  
�Who�s him? What are you talking about Brian?�  
  
I purposely turned my body as far away from him as possible, �That�s the guy�the priest I talked to at the church�  
  
�What? Brian he�s not a��  
  
�Shh keep your voice down Kevin�  
  
�Priest�.� Kevin continued in a whisper, �He works here�  
  
�He is the guy I saw in the church I�m sure of it� And I was sure of it, in fact I was so sure I was ready to walk over and grab him out of his chair and show my cousin the guys deformed hand. I couldn�t see it from this angle but I knew it was there.  
  
�Brian are you sure? I mean sure?�  
  
�Ask him if you can see his hand Kevin�  
  
�What?�  
  
�Ask him�  
  
Kevin looked at me a few more moments as if I was some crazy guy who had just sat down at his table and started babbling absurdities. Then he finally stood up and walked over to the table. About that time I was wishing that instead of an empty cup of coffee in front of me, I had a full shot of Jack Daniels, because if that man had both hands fully intact I was going to walk up to the 6th floor and commit myself.  
  
Kevin glanced over in my direction and so did my priest. He looked a bit confused as did the other people who were sitting with him. I was straining to try to hear their conversation but I was a little too far away to make out what was being said.  
  
Then I saw it, the hand. I also saw Kevin�s face transform from embarrassment to confusion. Once I saw the deformed hand I lost it, I got up and made my way over to the table, �What the hell kind of tricks are you playing with me?� I yelled, Kevin grabbed me and pulled me away from the guy before I could swipe at him. �Calm down Brian we are trying to sort this out now�  
  
The other people at the table were brimming with activity as well, �you want me to call someone Brad? Maybe Security?�  
  
�Yes call security because this son of a bitch has some explaining to do� I insisted trying to break free of Kevin�s grip.  
  
�Brian calm down�  
  
�Don�t tell me to calm down Kevin this guy was at the church!�  
  
�I was nowhere near a church�I swear it� The man said holding up his hands as if he were being held at gunpoint.  
  
�Yes you were! What do you moonlight as a priest?�  
  
The guy ignored me and spoke to my cousin instead, �I promise I have no idea what he is talking about�  
  
Kevin remaining calm under the circumstances made me sit at the table vacated by my priest�s friends. �I understand that but my cousin here just described you to a tee� He looked down at the man�s hand, �Are you sure you were nowhere near a church earlier?�  
  
�I swear it� Than he looked over at me, �Of course you recognize me; I was in your room a lot, you were a patient here right?�  
  
�Yes�I was but that�s beside the point�  
  
�I cleaned your bathroom, I remember you. Head injury right?�  
  
�Yes� Kevin answered for me, now I had decided to shut my mouth once again. Had this guy been in my room? Maybe that�s why he looked so familiar to me.  
  
�I remember hearing about what happened to you and your friend. I think I even told you what happened to me� I looked over at him as he held his hand up.  
  
�Every night my wife and I prayed for you and� Nick was his name right?�  
  
�How did you know his name?�  
  
�You told me�  
  
�I did?�  
  
�Yes, I asked you what your names were so we could pray for you and then I told you that faith��  
  
�Will pull me through� He smiled at me, �Yes...look I can get someone to verify that I was in and out of his room numerous times. I�m pretty sure there was a security guard outside�  
  
�No, its okay we believe you�right Brian?� I looked over at my cousin and nodded, still confused.  
  
�I will continue to pray for you and your friend Brian� He said as he got up to leave, �Now let me go get my friends before they get security� but it was too late they had already made their way into the cafeteria with security in tow.  
  
I sat quietly sipping on my second cup of coffee while Kevin explained the situation to the police. They also took a statement from my priest who wasn�t a priest in the first place. His story checked out and with it so did my sanity I guess.  
  
When they were done, Kevin walked back towards me; surprisingly the cops didn�t want to interrogate me which I was grateful for. �I thought you could use this� He said sitting down next to me and placing a piece of pie in front of me.  
  
�They think I�m crazy don�t they?�  
  
�No Brian�they don�t�  
  
�They probably think I�m just making stuff up now�  
  
�Of course they don�t think that. Nobody does�  
  
�I really thought��  
  
�I know you did Bri�its okay. You have been through hell and you had a serious head injury. It happens, the cops even said so�  
  
�They did?�  
  
�Yes, now eat your pie and than I�ll take you back to the hotel� Maybe I wasn�t up to seeing Nick tonight after all, so I didn�t argue with him just picked up my fork and stabbed at the pie.  
  
Stabbed.  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

  
  
  
****

**The Great Escape**

  
  
_�Please stop hurting him! Please!!!�  
  
�You�re going to have to do better than that Brian� Nick�s cries of pain were sickening me; I almost had to put my hands to my ears to escape them. �I�ll do anything but please stop hurting him�God you�re going to kill him�  
  
�Anything?� I nodded, I wasn�t thinking rationally at this point. All rational thoughts went out the window when he started poking at Nick with that knife.  
  
�Yes anything, please stop�please� I had never begged for anything in my life as much as I begged in the last hour or so. Had it only been an hour? God it felt like a year.  
  
�Say pretty pretty please with sugar on top�  
  
�Okay fine�pretty pretty please with sugar on top�  
  
He had Nick in a hold, his arm wrapped around Nick�s head as he faced me holding the knife just over Nick�s bare chest. Blood was already starting to trickle down his stomach from where he had been poking before.  
  
�Tell me you will do anything I want you to do�  
  
I stared at Nick as he shivered in the guys grip. He wasn�t even paying attention to anything now; I would swear shock was setting in.  
  
�Say it!� He commanded as he once again stuck the knife into Nick�s flesh not too deep but deep enough for it to bleed. This time he stabbed him in the belly.  
  
�I will do anything you want me to do� I hadn�t even realized I was crying. Let alone near hysterics, but when I looked past them both and at my reflection in the mirror I saw the terror in my own eyes and the puffiness that existed from too much crying.  
  
�Tell me you swear to God�  
  
�I swear to God�  
  
He stuck Nick again then and he grimaced and let out the worst sound I had ever heard. It was partway between a sob and a scream. Nick was only in his boxers at this point and his feet were curling in as they dangled because he was lifted slightly off of them. �Stop it! I promised!!!�  
  
�Okay fine�why should I have all the fun?� He smiled at me, once again gold teeth shimmering in his mouth as he motioned for me to take the knife from him. _  
  
I sat up in bed and sobbed. Seemed like this would forever be my new ritual, no more peaceful sleep because now this is where my memories stayed. �Brian what�s wrong?� I looked up to find AJ staring at me. Kevin decided he wanted to spend the night in the hospital with Nick so he sent AJ and Howie home with me.  
  
I remember after eating my pie I said maybe all of two words before coming back in here and trying to sleep. I had overheard AJ and Howie talking about the guy with the deformed hand, they sounded like they pitied me and I did not like to be pitied.  
  
When I was a child so sick I would see all of those other parents pitying my mother. Oh poor dear having such a sickly child. She said it made her nauseous when they referred to me as sickly or said �Bless your heart� to her. �Never let anyone pity you for anything sweetheart� She had said to me.  
  
Now here were two of my best friends pitying me in the other room and what�s even worse is in a way I pitied me too.  
  
�Nothing�  
  
�Bullshit Brian�you�re crying what�s wrong?�  
  
�AJ I just want to be alone�  
  
�No can do sorry. I have my orders� I laughed he was such a dork sometimes.  
  
�Well Kevin isn�t the boss of me�  
  
�Kevin is the boss of everybody Rok, when will you realize that?�  
  
�So you�re telling me that Kevin is your boss AJ?� I was trying desperately to change the subject, drop what brought him in here in the first place.  
  
�Seriously Rok, what�s wrong? You aren�t going to feel better unless you talk about it�  
  
�Don�t go all therapist on me AJ!�  
  
�Alright I�m sorry�  
  
�It was awful� I squeaked out. Maybe I wanted AJ to play therapist. He came over and sat next to me, �I can only imagine�  
  
�No...You can�t�  
  
�I�m sorry about that guy Brian�I know you thought you saw him in the church�  
  
�It�s okay. I guess at least I should be relieved I didn�t make him up�  
  
�AJ he made me carve the word mine into Nick� It felt like a great purging to come clean with that. It just felt like the right time and place, in the dark next to a good friend.  
  
I worried a little bit when I was met with silence. Maybe I was changing from Rok to some nameless monster. �Please say something AJ�  
  
�I don�t know what to say� His voice was cracking and that made me cry even more, �I didn�t want to�he made me�  
  
I felt his arm on my shoulder, �I promised I would do anything he wanted and that�s what he wanted�  
  
�That son of a bitch� He tightened his grip on my shoulder, �Did he make you carve him everywhere?�  
  
�I don�t know AJ�That I don�t remember�  
  
�I�m a monster�  
  
�No you aren�t a monster Brian�he forced you to do that�  
  
I sat and cried with AJ consoling me. That was an odd picture at best because AJ was not big on helping people work through their problems. He cared, there was no doubt in my mind, but when it came to problem solving and consoling he left that to the big boys as he always said. Now he was being a big boy and I was thankful for that.  
  
Howie had walked into the room somewhere in between my confession and breakdown. He sat silently across from us and watched.  
  
�I made him angry because I tried to escape� I closed my eyes letting the memories come and with it even more tears.  
  
 _�Brian I thought you were dead�when he hit you with that bat, I thought you were dead and I was going to have to go through this alone�  
  
�I would never leave you Nick, never�okay?� He nodded and then dug his nails into me as the door to the bathroom flung open.  
  
He came in looking furious, �You come with me� He said pointing at me; once again I felt Nick�s nails dig into my flesh. He had no intention of letting go. �Now!� He grabbed at me with such ferocity that I thought my shoulder was going to detach. �No!� Nick screamed, �Shut up kid he�ll be right back�in the meantime why don�t you strip down to your boxers�  
  
�He�s cold you made him take his shirt off already�  
  
�Do what I say or else this will be the last time you see your friend� He said grabbing me even more forcefully and shoving me out the door.  
  
He closed the door and placed a chair in front of it, �Tell me where you keep your money and your drugs�  
  
�Drugs?�  
  
�Yeah kid drugs where are they?�  
  
�What you mean aspirin or something?� He slapped me upside the head, �Do I mean aspirin? How stupid are you?�  
  
�I don�t know what you mean!�  
  
�Drugs...Dope anything like that�  
  
�We don�t have any drugs�  
  
�You guys are pop stars you have to have some kind of stash�  
  
�None of us do drugs� He pushed me forcefully and I fell to the floor, Nick started banging on the door when he heard the crash, �Brian? Are you okay?�  
  
He started to tear through the rest of the drawers, maybe that�s all he was, some kind of druggie in need of a quick fix. Maybe when he didn�t find any he would leave. That�s when I saw it shining from under the bed. I scooted closer to it as the guy continued to cuss and tear the room apart. Nick�s pocket knife was almost in my reach.  
  
I went to go grab it when he turned my way, �Well where do you keep your money then?� I had to think fast, get him to look the other way long enough for me to grab the knife and then charge at him. This was my only chance. �In the night stand, that�s where Nick has all of his money�  
  
When he turned I grabbed the knife and charged at him full force, unfortunately when he heard me approach he turned, just in time to see me coming. I went for his stomach like a Wildman, but he grabbed my wrist and flung me over the bed and onto the floor.  
  
I was still holding the knife though, �Brian are you okay?� Nick was pounding furiously at the door now. �So you want to play rough do you?� He walked over at me with a big smile on his face; I wanted to wipe that smile off and did when I rammed the knife into his leg. He yelped in pain as I stood up and ran for the bathroom door. �Brian?�  
  
�Nick I�m coming hang on� I was just about to move the chair when he tackled me to the floor, I felt my chin hit the carpet as I bit my tongue. The fall shook the knife out of my hand and out of my reach.  
  
�Brian are you okay?� Again he was pounding furiously.  
  
�Oh yeah he�s just fine� Derek Jones said as he limped over to the knife and grabbed me up from the floor by my hair, �He�s just peachy�  
  
I placed my hands up over my head to try to lessen his grip but it was no use, �I suggest you stop struggling. The worse time you give me the worse it�s gonna get for you�  
  
�Why are you doing this?�  
  
He kicked the chair out of the way and opened the door. Nick was ready and waiting and when the door opened he jumped at the guy only to be kicked to the floor. �What is it with you two? I think you boys have watched too many action movies. They have given you guy�s big ideas�  
  
He threw me down next to Nick and once again locked the bathroom door. Before I knew what was happening he grabbed at Nick and wrapped his arms around his head, �So you wanted to have some fun huh Brian?�  
  
�What are you doing?� He took the knife from his pocket and held it by Nick�s chest, �Now you�re going to see how a real pro handles a knife� _  
  
When I was done telling Howie and AJ my story I looked up to see their eyes locked on mine. �He was the monster Brian not you� Howie finally said once he controlled his emotions to the point of being able to speak.  
  
�Maybe if I hadn�t tried to escape he wouldn�t have done that to Nick�  
  
�Or�Maybe he would have done something even worse� I shivered at the thought, wondering what on earth could even BE worse than what we went through.  
  
�Brian you should try and get some more sleep� Howie said standing up as a cue for AJ to do the same, �I�ll stay in here with you if you want�  
  
I smiled at AJ, �No, that�s okay�if I need you I�ll yell�  
  
�Hey AJ?�  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
�Has Nick said anything else? Besides my name?�  
  
�No�  
  
�Okay�thanks�  
  
�Goodnight Rok�I love you man�  
  
I smiled, I know that was hard for him to say, �I love you too Bone�  
  
When they left I put my light on dim and the television on low. I had no desire to go back to sleep anymore. I knew if I did I might remember the rest and I didn�t want to.  
  
 _I didn�t want to._  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

  
  
  
****

**My Frack**

  
  
  
That morning bright and early I made sure someone drove me to the hospital. It�s funny you know? Because at the beginning I thought I�d never want to see Nick again. After this whole ordeal how would I ever be able to look him in the eyes the same way? Especially with the memories that were plaguing my mind.  
  
But the odd thing is that now all I wanted to do was be at the hospital with him, not even sure why because whenever I thought he would wake up I felt my stomach go into knots. Maybe knowing that we went through something together and Nick would be the only one to ever understand somehow made me want to be near him.  
  
Kevin sat across from me in silence as I watched Nick�s chest go up and down, �Has he woken up at all?� I asked without taking my eyes off my friend as he slept.  
  
�Nope, he just kind of occasionally grumbles and moans. Once he opened his eyes but that was about it�  
  
�Is that normal? Shouldn�t he be fully awake by now?�  
  
�Considering the condition he was in when he got here Bri, it�s a miracle he�s even alive�  
  
�I know�  
  
�We just need patience� He grabbed Nick�s hand and lightly pet it, �He�s a strong kid he�ll pull through this but you know how stubborn he is�  
  
�Yes� I laughed, people said I was stubborn but it was NOTHING compared to Nick. He had that market cornered. �He realizes that once he wakes up he�ll have to take those boring history tests that Kathy likes so much� Kathy was Nick�s tutor, at one time AJ�s as well. Nick hated school and especially hated Kathy who relentlessly quizzed him non stop about all of the world wars. One time Nick was so hell bent on NOT having a history test that he actually hid under a table. Like she wouldn�t have found him first of all and secondly like she didn�t know he was there. Kevin laughed, �Yup you�re right about that, he�s probably faking it� I started to laugh then stopped myself, guilt settling in. Kevin did the same, �I wonder when we�ll feel like we�re allowed to laugh again?� He asked after a pause.  
  
  
  
�Not sure�  
  
  
  
He stood up, yawned and stretched, �Well I think I need my morning dose of caffeine, you want anything while I�m down there?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head, �Why don�t you go back to the hotel for a little while? I�m here with Nick now. You�ve been here all night go take a nap�  
  
  
  
He rubbed his eyes, he looked so tired. This was wearing us all down, I think Kevin even more than myself. �I don�t know Bri��  
  
  
  
�I�m okay alone�besides AJ said he�d be coming in a little while, he was going to do something with his mom first� AJ�s mom had come into town shortly after my parents left. They thought it was best to always have an adult on hand, not saying that Kevin wasn�t an adult but he was a kid just like the rest of us. The Carters left yesterday, Jane said they needed to go back home for a little while but in a few days at least one of them would be back.  
  
  
  
I was bothered that while I was in the hospital she never came to visit or see how I was doing. It made me feel like she was blaming me for this whole thing.  
  
  
  
Once again I looked over at my cousin who seemed to be weighing pros and cons of leaving me alone in his head. �It�s really okay Kevin, I can handle it besides there�s a guard right there� I said pointing over at the guy seated by the door, �And I think I would like some alone time with Nick anyway�  
  
  
  
�Okay�I�ll go and get some sleep but promise to call me if anything happens, like if he decides to wake up and stay awake, okay?�  
  
  
  
�Scouts honor�  
  
  
  
�You were never a scout�  
  
  
  
�I know� He laughed at me and walked over and once again kissed the top of my head, lovingly patting my back as he moved to Nick.  
  
  
  
�Be good lil man and get your rest. I�ll be back soon, I promise� He bent down and kissed Nick on the forehead which caused my Frack to stir slightly.  
  
  
  
�Later� He said before hesitantly walking out of the door.  
  
  
  
My Frack, I know that sounds so possessive of me but it�s true. My brother Harold said to me once, after one of the first times he had come out to meet all of the guys, that I treated Nick like he was my puppy.  
  
  
  
�What do you mean?� I had asked him thinking he was nuts or something.  
  
  
  
�I mean exactly what I said Brian�.the way you talk about Nick it sounds like he followed you home from school. I�m expecting you to say to mom at any minute can we keep him? I promise I�ll take him for a walk and feed him!�  
  
  
  
�You�re such a bonehead� I said throwing a pillow across to him hoping it would hit him in the face. Of course he only batted it away.  
  
  
  
�I just think it�s nice you found a great friend, you know I have to tease you about it though�  
  
  
  
He was right; I had found a great friend, in a kid five years younger than me. If you had asked me if I thought we�d be as tight as we are now way back when I first met him, I would have said �Hell no!� He even annoyed me somewhat way back then. The more we hung out together though, the more I started to realize how similar we were. We loved the same things, basketball, video games, having fun and not being serious.  
  
  
  
Probably the thing that got to me most was the simple fact that I felt he looked up to me. I had never gotten that before. I was the kid in school who was always smaller than everyone else even though I was a year older from having been left back a grade. I was also known as the kid who had a big brother they knew would come to my rescue if the need arose.  
  
  
  
I had never been the one to look out for somebody; that was always everyone else�s job. When I met this kid though, that all changed. I found myself wanting to protect him, give him advice, and let him know he could count on me for anything.  
  
  
  
I think it�s not even an exaggeration to say that we were inseparable. Probably still are, hopefully. I found myself looking over at his face now and smiling. Remembering the numerous times I had seen that face light up in excitement the first time he made a shot from half court or when he finally beat me in a game of one on one. I have to admit I let him win that game. He was having a bad day, nothing was going right for him and he had just had the worst fight with his mother over the phone.  
  
  
  
In tears he was telling me how much of a loser he felt like and all I could think to do to help him out was let him win. So I did by about ten points. He gloated the rest of the day telling everyone, even strangers who could care less that he had managed to beat the great B Rok in a game of one on one. I had to bite my tongue a few times from coming clean about what I did because I did not like to be beaten. It was worth it though, to see the smile on his face as he told his story and to know that maybe for the rest of that day at least, he felt like he did something extra special.  
  
  
  
He was my Frack after all, and I loved him very much.  
  
  
  
He let out a small moan which caused me to move closer to him, any closer I would have been sitting on top of him but still it didn�t feel close enough. I placed my hand on his arm, �Nick?� I whispered as he continued to groan, �Nick do you need me to get a doctor?�  
  
  
  
He swallowed hard then opened his eyes, �Briiian?� He managed to get out, breathy and weak just like before. �I�m right hear fracky, what do you need?� I stood up so he could see me better, �Brian?�  
  
  
  
�Yup� He turned his head to look at me and gulped once again. It seemed to be hard for him to talk. �You�promised� He said taking a deep breath and closing his eyes briefly before opening them again.  
  
  
  
�Promised what baby?� Suddenly I wanted to flee from the room as if my worst nightmare was about to happen, he would tell me I promised to not let anything happen to him and I broke that promise.  
  
  
  
Just having those thoughts go through my mind made me take a step or two back from the bed. He seemed upset about that and shook his head, �No�don�t go� He begged grabbing for my hand.  
  
  
  
�I�m not going anywhere Nick I�m right here� I forced myself to move closer to him. �Brian� He said once again, �You sound like a broken record Nick� I smiled as I felt a tear run down my face.  
  
  
  
He smiled just a little bit, �Funny�  
  
  
  
�Thanks I try�  
  
  
  
�You promised�  
  
  
  
�What did I promise Nick?� His eyelids were getting heavy; I could tell by the way he struggled to keep them open.  
  
  
  
�You�re here�  
  
  
  
�Of course I�m here�  
  
  
  
�Thanks� He said before once again drifting off to sleep. �Nick what did I promise? And how can you thank me?�  
  
  
  
I so desperately wanted an answer to those questions but I knew it wouldn�t come. He had used up so much energy just staying awake for the short time he did that my answers would have to wait.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry Nick� I squeezed his hand tightly, �I�m so sorry�  
  
  
  
I placed my head on his chest and cried, feeling the raised flesh from one of the many stab wounds on my cheek as I pressed my face down on him. �I�m so sorry� I kept saying, I felt his arm go up on my head as I cried, maybe he was awake but too tired to keep his eyes open.  
  
  
  
�Rok?� I felt a hand on my back, gently rub so I slowly stood up to be met with AJ. I grabbed him in a hug and cried. I know he wasn�t expecting that, I threw him way off guard I could tell by the way he had his arms at his side, unsure of where to put them until they finally found their way around my back.  
  
  
  
�Did something happen?� He asked after a little while.  
  
  
  
I pulled away from him and looked back over at my Frack who was now once again peacefully asleep. �No�sorry I just got a bit emotional�  
  
  
  
�Did he wake up for you?�  
  
  
  
I nodded, �Did he say anything?� I nodded again, �He told me I promised�  
  
  
  
�What did you promise?�  
  
  
  
�I wish I knew�  
  
  
  
�He actually said more than your name?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�  
  
  
  
�That�s progress! Way to go kiddo!� AJ said walking over and patting Nick softly on the head. �He also said thanks�  
  
  
  
AJ turned to me and smiled, �Thanks?�  
  
  
  
I nodded suddenly needing to go hide for a little while, �I�m going to the cafeteria to get something to drink, you want anything?� He shook his head now sitting in the chair I had vacated.  
  
  
  
�I�ll be right back Frack� I looked at him one more time before I left.  
  
  
  
As I made my way to the elevator, I was still trying to get over the fact that this kid who I had clearly tortured had said thanks to me. Maybe he had no memory at all of what happened to him? That would be the absolute best thing that could happen. If he thought it was all some hazy kind of dream.  
  
  
  
I passed a woman who was wheeling one of those big laundry tubs full of scrubs and towels and I held the elevator door opened for her while she got herself situated. �Basement� She said in a Spanish accent. I pressed the button for her. I allowed my eyes to glance into the laundry bin to see towels stained with dirt and droplets of blood. I had to look away as I felt the smell overtake me. The metallic smell that suddenly was all around me.  
  
  
  
I even tasted it in my mouth.  
  
  
  
Blood. It looked as if it were dripping from the walls and coming up from the floors. I felt it on my skin and I had to control the sudden urge I had to scream as I looked down in the bin and finally remembered.  
  
  
  
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

  
  
  
**Just Call My Name�**  
  
  
  
 _�The last place I ever wanted to die was in a bathroom Brian�  
  
  
  
�You�re not going to die Nick we�ll get out of this okay� He looked up at me as I continued to caress the top of his head as if he were a puppy.  
  
  
  
�You�re a liar� And I was lying to him. I knew better. Our time was up and we weren�t going to live to see the end of the day. Nick was fading fast and I knew he was going to die right there in my arms and there was nothing I could do about it�nothing._  
  
  
  
�Sir are you okay?� I felt her hand on my shoulder, looking at me with concern as the elevator doors opened up to the lobby.  
  
  
  
�I�m fine�  
  
  
  
�You look as if you are ready to pass out, let me help you to a chair� It was hard to understand what she was saying because of her thick Spanish accent but she grabbed my arm and led me to the lobby where she helped me to sit down.  
  
  
  
�Really I�m okay�your laundry� I said as I saw the elevator door close.  
�You left your bin in there�  
  
  
  
�It�s okay� She said as she walked towards the nurses desk. My heart was racing and if I didn�t know any better I would swear I was having a heart attack. I couldn�t catch my breath, it�s as if those memories grabbed a hold of my chest and were squeezing until it finally burst.  
  
  
  
He was dying in my arms�of course I didn�t want to remember that.  
  
  
  
 _�It hurts Brian� He was grimacing in pain slowly trying to shift his body into a more comfortable position. There was blood everywhere all over the floor puddling around us, all over him and all over me. I was covered in Nick�s blood.  
  
  
  
�I know it does Nicky�but it�ll be okay� I tried my best not to cry but the tears were just naturally streaming down. I was petrified yet I couldn�t show him. I had to make him comfortable.  
  
  
  
�I am so tired�  
  
  
  
�Try to keep your eyes open Nick okay? Don�t go to sleep�  
  
  
  
�It hurts too much to stay awake Brian�let me sleep�  
  
  
  
I didn�t want him to go to sleep; I wasn�t ready to let him go. I realized that once he closed those eyes I would never see them again. But even scarier at this point was that would mean I was all alone.  
  
  
  
I didn�t want to be alone.  
  
  
  
�Why?� I looked down at him, his big blue eyes glazed over with tears. �I�m a good person�why?�  
  
  
  
�I wish I knew Nick, but I don�t�  
  
  
  
�I�m scared Brian�  
  
  
  
�I am too Nick�I am too� He turned his head back towards the floor, �I�m bleeding� He said as if it was the first time he realized it.  
  
  
  
�I know� I hugged him with my free arm while I caressed his head with the other.  
  
  
  
�It�s not good to bleed this much�  
  
  
  
�I know� I was at a loss for words.  
  
  
  
�I don�t want to die� I wanted him to just shut up. Was that wrong of me to think? I couldn�t stand hearing him anymore; it was just getting to be too much.  
  
  
  
�You�re not going to die Nick, you have to be strong and have faith� Although as I said those words I wasn�t believing them myself. How much longer did we have? I looked over at the hourglass our captor had so dramatically placed in the bathroom with us.  
  
  
  
�When the sand runs out so do the both of you� He had said, �But maybe one of you will be gone before the sand?� He had given Nick one of his cruel smiles then looked my way and winked at me. By that time I was too emotionally drained to do anything but stare.  
  
  
  
Maybe if we made it out of this alive, people would ask me how it was I could sit and do nothing, especially not being restrained, at one point he had even left the bathroom door a hair opened.  
  
  
  
I don�t want to say I gave up because I am not a quitter. I like to think I fight for everything I have ever wanted, but sitting on that bathroom floor with my little brother dying on my lap just froze me in place I guess.  
  
  
  
He groaned which made me once again look down at him his eyes were closed at this point which scared me, �Come on Nick open those eyes�don�t make me tickle you� I tried to laugh but it came out as more of a desperate cry.  
  
  
  
�What do you think it�s like Brian?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t want to have this conversation with you Nick�  
  
  
  
�Please�you need to tell me�  
  
  
  
�You�ll be fine� He was breathing as if he had run a marathon, every breath was getting harder and harder for him.  
  
  
  
�I always said�� He paused to suck in some more air, �That you were�� One more pause, �The biggest liar�  
  
  
  
�I�m not lying�  
  
  
  
He grabbed my hand then, with the little strength he had left and I started to cry. �What do you think it�s like up in heaven?� I tried to control my breathing before I answered because I was on the verge of hyperventilating. I think he knew that but still, I couldn�t do that to him, or me.  
  
  
  
�Peaceful�  
  
  
  
�I hope so� He groaned once more.  
  
  
  
�Peaceful and fluffy�like walking on marshmallows� I smiled at that. �I bet you can bend down and take a big chunk out of a cloud and it would taste like marshmallows� I smirked, God I would miss that smile of his.  
  
  
  
�Maybe I should bring some peanut butter with me� I couldn�t believe I was making jokes knowing full well that very soon we would both cease to exist.  
  
  
  
�Fluffernutters�  
  
  
  
�Yes� He let out a deep breath followed by another grimace of pain, �I don�t want to die� Then for the first time, I admitted it myself. �I don�t want to either Nick�  
  
  
  
�At least we are going to be together right?�  
  
  
  
�Right�  
  
  
  
�What if that doesn�t happen?� He sounded shaky now and I noticed his entire body was shaking. I moved both of my arms around him to try to keep him warm, �What do you mean baby?�  
  
  
  
�I mean what if I can�t find you?�  
  
  
  
�I�ll be there Nick, I�ll be waiting for you� And I would, I was going to tell that damn guy to kill me first, just be done with me, Nick wouldn�t even realize it he�d be too far gone himself. I however would not be able to watch him be killed; it was hard enough feeling him die in my arms.  
  
  
  
I almost wanted the guy to come back in now just shoot me in the head and be done with it. This was worse than death could ever be._  
  
  
  
I looked over at the kind lady as she walked back towards me with a receptionist at her side. I sat up a little straighter and tried to get control over my breathing. My heart was pounding so fast in my chest that I really thought it was going to explode out like a cartoon.  
  
  
  
The receptionist bent down, �Sir are you waiting for a doctor?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head unable to get any words out.  
  
  
  
�Are you here seeing a patient?�  
  
  
  
�Yes� I whispered it; I sounded like I was having an asthma attack minus the asthma.  
  
  
  
�Are you having difficulty breathing?�  
  
  
  
�I�ll be okay...I think its anxiety� And it was A good old fashioned anxiety attack. What would be my very first but unfortunately not the last.  
  
  
  
�Take some deep breaths and I�ll have a doctor come to check you out in a few minutes� I nodded, not ready to take a chance when it came to my heart. I had enough problems with my ticker to begin with.  
  
  
  
�Thanks� She pat my shoulder and walked away. The nice lady who helped me from the elevator gave me a small smile and turned back to her chores leaving me alone on the chairs.  
  
  
  
The lobby was very quiet only a few people here or there walking in and out of the gift shop or talking right outside the revolving door while coming out for a quick smoke. No one seemed to notice me or care. It was like I was a ghost and I couldn�t help but think for a brief second maybe this was all some kind of dream. Maybe I really had died.  
  
  
  
I placed my hand on my chest just to confirm the fact that I was still very much alive and that thankfully my breathing was returning a bit back to normal.  
  
  
  
 _�What if I don�t see you when I get up there?�  
  
  
  
�You�ll find me�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure heaven�s a big place Brian�what if you are �� He suddenly stopped talking which scared me to death. I looked down to see his eyes closed once more and all I could think to do was try to shake him awake. I let out a sigh when he moved and slowly opened his eyes for me once again. �It�s getting harder to stay awake Bri�  
  
  
  
�I know Nick�but you have to try okay?�  
  
  
  
�What if you are on a higher level than me?�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�In heaven�  
  
  
  
�Nick that�s not going to happen it�s not like playing a video game� I laughed but once again it came out more as a sad sigh. He started to cry at that point and I wasn�t ready for it. Tears were streaming down his face and I had to look away.  
  
  
  
�I am so scared of being alone�and I don�t like the dark Brian�  
  
  
  
�I know� Now I was crying right along with him. �You won�t be alone I�ll be there Nick�  
  
  
  
�But what if I can�t find you?�  
  
  
  
�Just keep saying my name�I�ll hear your voice and come to get you�  
  
  
  
�You promise?� I paused, could I make a promise like that? By saying yes I was basically confirming the fact that we were soon going to die. I had to though, because it was the truth. I was 22 years old, far away from home and about to die next to my best friend. At the beginning of what was going to be a great and promising career. I had so much to live for; so much faith in life but it was soon going to be pulled out from under me.  
  
  
  
I would never see my mom�s beautiful smile again or my dad trying his hardest to beat me at basketball. I�d never hear my brother�s calming voice in my ear telling me everything would be okay. It was all gone.  
  
  
  
�I promise� I finally said looking down at him and grabbing his hand in mine, �I promise I will find you. Just keep saying my name�_  
  
  
  
�That�s why he was saying my name over and over again� I said to the empty lobby, �He wanted me to find him�  
  
  
  
I placed my face in my hands and once again started to cry.  
  
  
  
 _�Brian�  
  
  
  
�Yeah Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Just trying it out� I smiled at least tried to. I was petrified, never been so scared in my life.  
  
  
  
�I love you Nick�  
  
  
  
�I love you t�� The door to the bathroom swung open which made me jump but Nick remained still. He grabbed me tighter than, as tight as he could considering how weak he was.  
  
  
  
�It�s about that time boys� I looked over at the hourglass to see it was still half way full.  
  
  
  
He saw me glance that way and took it and threw it in the garbage, �I was just using that for dramatic effect, truth is, I need to get going� He walked over to the bathtub and put the water on, �We need to wash some of that blood off of you Nick, we don�t want people to think I was messy now do we?�  
  
  
  
I held on to him tighter.  
  
  
  
�And you need to get some new clothes on. You look like a mess� He looked at me disgusted like I had any say on how much blood I had all over me.  
  
  
  
He sat on the rim of the tub as it filled with water, �I�m sorry this had to happen this way fellas� Nick groaned as he tried to shift in my arms.  
  
  
  
�Please let us go� I begged one final time.  
  
  
  
�Sorry no can do, better say your goodbyes, you and I will be making our exit shortly� I panicked when he said that. I had planned on dying next to my friend.  
  
  
  
�No I want to stay in here with him�  
  
  
  
�You need to go change Brian� He stood up then as the tub continued to fill. He walked over and grabbed my arm yanking me away from Nick. �No!� I screamed but at this point all my energy was gone. It was more like a quiet command.  
  
  
  
�Brian� Nick said as he dropped to the floor and groaned. He looked at me and I looked at him and it was such a weird feeling. Peaceful and deep as if for just that moment we were one and the same person. �Keep saying my name Nick� Was the last thing I was able to say before I was yanked out of the room. I heard his faint cry of �Brian� Then Derek closed the door. _  
  
  
  
I took my hands away from my face, needing now more than ever to go to my friend once again and tell him he was alive and we had made it. �Hello� I looked up when I heard the all too familiar voice. I didn�t have to see the face to know who it was, but I did see his name tag on the white lab coat. It said Dr. Derek Jones.  
  
  
  
He was at the hospital this whole time and there we were suddenly face to face.  
  
  



	15. Chapter 15

****

**15  
  
  
  
Caught**

  
  
  
  
I was unsure of what to do when it hit me full force what was happening. Here was the star of my nightmares over the last few weeks standing in my personal space. At first I was sure I was hallucinating again, this couldn�t be real. Nope I would shake myself awake from yet another dream. That thought went away when I felt his hand on my shoulder.  
  
  
  
He bent down so that he was eye level to me but I couldn�t look at him. I refused. �Are you feeling alright?� He asked. He had some nerve asking that. I turned to him then and growled, �Get away from me� He let go of my shoulder, �The nurses desk said you wanted a doctor�  
  
  
  
�You�re no doctor� That�s when I started to panic, I moved to get out of his grasp, knocking him to the floor, �Call security!� I screamed as he grabbed for my leg.  
  
  
  
�Please you need to calm down�  
  
  
  
I looked over to the desk where a woman was on the phone. A few people in the lobby were staring at me now which was good, as long as I was drawing attention he couldn�t pull me away and do unspeakable things to me.  
  
  
  
I kicked my feet at him and he let go, I quickly made it to my feet and started racing towards the elevator doors only to be stopped by two security guards, �Not me him!!� I yelled pointing at Derek Jones.  
  
  
  
My captor, the man who had tortured me and made me taste death just stood staring at me dumbfounded. The thing is, while I was being held in the security guard�s grasp I was also staring right back at him.  
  
  
  
How was it that someone could feel so familiar but yet look so unrecognizable?  
  
  
  
�Calm down son, we�ll sort this all out in a minute�  
  
  
  
�Please you have to go get him before he gets away!�  
  
  
  
I pointed over to him again but there was already another guard over talking to him, �That�s Derek Jones!� I insisted, �The man who did this to me�  
  
  
  
�Did what to you?�  
  
  
  
�He�s the man who attacked me and my friend�  
  
  
  
The guard and Derek walked towards me and my first instinct was to run away, break free of the guard�s grasp and run like hell. I had gotten away from the maniac once and survived. I don�t think I would have been allowed to a second time. I should�ve been dead by now.  
  
  
  
�I was just checking on him, the nurse�s desk said he needed a doctor. I didn�t mean to agitate him�  
  
  
  
�Why did you do that to us?�  
  
  
  
He looked at me confused, �Do what to you?�  
  
  
  
�He said he was here visiting someone� I vaguely heard the receptionist say in the background but I wasn�t focusing on her, I was focusing on him. �Why did you want to kill us?� He took a step back at the accusation as I started to break up, �I mean why? Everything was going on as normal as normal could be. It was actually a good day, we were having fun and you came along and changed all that. Why?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know what to say to him�  
  
  
  
�Don�t talk to them talk to me� Derek looked at me and that scary face with the gold teeth disappeared. This man looked nothing like my Derek Jones.  
  
  
  
Nothing.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry but I don�t know what to say to you�  
  
  
  
�It�s not me you have to talk to it�s the police�  
  
  
  
�Who were you here visiting?�  
  
  
  
�Nick Carter�  
  
  
  
�Nick Carter�I know that name� I took a step towards Derek and was held back by the guards, as if I was the criminal. �Don�t you say his name! Don�t you EVER say his name again!� The lady who had mentioned I was visiting someone went back to the desk which I could only guess was to look up Nick�s name. I thought I�d save them the trouble, �Just page Kevin Richardson, he�ll know what I�m talking about�  
  
  
  
�Kevin Richardson� Derek muttered under his breath then looked back over at me, �I know you�I worked on you when you were brought in here�  
  
  
  
�No�you were the reason I was brought in here!�  
  
  
  
�What�s your name?� He had the nerve to ask me.  
  
  
  
�You should know you said it enough�  
  
  
  
 _�Brian�Brian�Brian�I like your name Brian it has a nice ring to it� I lifted my shirt over my head and dumped it into the plastic garbage bag like he commanded me too. I can�t even begin to explain how defeated I felt.  
  
  
  
I kept listening for Nick�s voice; he was the only thing linking me to sanity. �I always said if I had a kid I�d name him Brian�  
  
  
  
I looked around the room. It was a mess, to think that only a few hours earlier we were sitting right on the floor playing Nintendo together. Just earlier today, in fact the game console was still on pause. Funny how I just noticed that. I was winning as usual, we paused it to go play basketball. Nick was too lazy to save the game so he paused it.  
  
  
  
�Seems like we need to go into your room to get you a new shirt� I looked away from the game almost tempted to ask if maybe he�d let us finish playing before he killed us.  
  
  
  
�You�re going to need some new pants too�  
  
  
  
He pushed me back into my room and I paused to look at the bathroom, I didn�t hear Nick anymore. In my mind he was dead. �I�ll look for you Nick� I said to the door as I passed.  
  
  
  
�Come on I don�t have all day� He pulled me and partway closed our adjoining room doors.  
  
  
  
�Pants� Now he was growing impatient so I pulled my pants down and handed them to him. He threw then into the bag and sealed it up.  
  
  
  
�Okay get a new outfit out and hurry, we have been taking too long�  
  
  
  
What did I want to die in? Again it�s funny what your brain thinks about when you are sure this is it. What I wore would forever be etched in people�s minds when they looked at the article in the newspapers. Or when the guys finally came in and found me lying dead on the floor.  
  
  
  
I looked for something nice to wear, more for my mother than anything else. I didn�t want people to say her poor soon died looking like a pig.  
  
  
  
Irrational thoughts.  
  
  
  
I just ended up picking out a sweatshirt and sweatpants. I guess they would have to do. I slowly dressed probably just to annoy this guy but I don�t think I could have moved any faster if I tried.  
  
  
  
�Brian�it�s been a fun ride but now it�s time to say goodbye� I turned towards him, I had been looking away the whole time partly because I knew he was probably delighting in me being undressed, but mostly because I couldn�t bare to see his face anymore.  
  
  
  
  
  
When I did turn around though, I was surprised to see a gun pointing at me. _  
  
  
  
By the time Kevin came down we were brought into a small room. It looked like someone�s office. Derek Jones sat across from me and I just couldn�t look at him. I was swirling in a barrel of confusion by this point. The guy sounded like Derek but didn�t look a thing at all like the monster I kept remembering in my head. I know I had seen in more than one movie, evil guys like him moving to another city and changing his look to go unrecognized, but he didn�t move to another city. He stayed at the hospital in full view of security guards and passersby.  
  
  
  
�Brian what is going on?�  
  
  
  
�That�s him� I said pointing over at the doctor who was rubbing his temples. Kevin turned towards Derek and grabbed him up by the collar, quickly being pulled away by security. �You son of a bitch!�  
  
  
  
�Calm down� Another guard intercepted by standing between the doctor and my cousin who looked like if he was let lose he�d rip the guy�s heart out.  
  
  
  
�There was a misunderstanding� The guard holding Kevin said when he finally stopped struggling in his grip.  
  
  
  
�What kind of misunderstanding? If my cousin said this was the guy than this is the guy!�  
  
  
  
�Now calm down Mr. Richardson, the police are on their way and soon everything will be sorted out�  
  
  
  
When the guard let go of Kevin he walked over to me and squatted down beside me, �Are you okay?� I nodded.  
  
  
  
�Are you sure it�s him?� He whispered; I�m sure he didn�t want his doubt to go noticed by the police who had just entered the room.  
  
  
  
I looked at him for a second as the police began taking his statement, �It�s him Kev, it�s gotta be�  
  
  
  
�So that means you�re not sure?�  
  
  
  
�It sounds like him but it doesn�t look like him�  
  
  
  
A detective on my case, the same unfriendly one that always seemed to show up for me walked over towards us. �Brian are you sure this is the man?�  
  
  
  
�His name is Derek Jones�  
  
  
  
�Brian that is a very common name�  
  
  
  
�He sounds like my Derek Jones� two of the police officers who were talking to Derek were now escorting him out of the room, �Where is he going? You aren�t letting him go are you?�  
  
  
  
�No, he agreed to come down to the station for questioning�  
  
  
  
�It�s him�  
  
  
  
�Well I hope so Brian� He said as he pat my shoulder, �We�ll be in touch� I nodded at him while still in deep thought. What if I was wrong?  
  
  
  
�I�ll need a statement from him when he�s ready� A policeman said to my cousin as I sat quietly trying to remember.  
  
  
  
�Kevin�did he look familiar to you?�  
  
  
  
�The Derek guy?� I nodded.  
  
  
  
I could tell he didn�t want to answer that question, which was a bad sign, �Yeah maybe a little�  
  
  
  
�Because he said he worked on me�you know when I came into the hospital�  
  
  
  
�Brian�if it was him�.you�re safe now. We got the son of a bitch�  
  
  
  
But as he said that I began to realize that most likely that wasn�t him and that I would never be safe.  
  
  
  
�Is Nick okay? Kevin I need to go see Nick� I suddenly remembered why I was getting ready to go back up to his room now.  
  
  
  
�He keeps asking for you�  
  
  
  
�I need to go find him� I stood up.  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Never mind just let�s go up there�  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
After giving the cops my statement which was pretty vague, we made our way back into Nick�s room where AJ sat holding his hand as he slept.  
  
  
  
�Everything alright?� He asked as we walked into the room.  
  
  
  
Kevin started to explain to AJ what had happened but I didn�t even answer, all my attention was focused on my friend. Now that I remembered everything it was a small miracle that we even survived. We were both as good as dead.  
  
  
  
I walked to the other side of Nick and grabbed his hand, �Nicky�wake up it�s me�Brian�  
  
  
  
�Let him sleep Rok� Kevin scolded as he and AJ turned to look my way.  
  
  
  
�He�s slept long enough, time for him to wake up� I moved closer to him and whispered in his ear, �Nicky I found you� now open your eyes�  
  
  
  
And he did.  
  
  
  
�Brian�  
  
  
  
�Hi buddy�  
  
  
  
�You found me?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, but guess what?�  
  
  
  
He swallowed hard, �What?�  
  
  
  
�I never lost you� I bent down and kissed the top of his head, �We made it Nicky�we are alive�  
  
  
  
Now Kevin and AJ stopped talking and were watching the two of us, probably amazed to hear Nick say more then my name.  
  
  
  
�We�re alive?� He sounded so surprised. I nodded at him, �Yes�  
  
  
  
His chest moved up and down as he began to sob, I could tell it hurt him to do it but it had to be done I suppose. �Its okay� I consoled him, �We made it�  
  
  
  
I pat his head just like I did as he laid there dying on my lap in the bathroom. Now AJ and Kevin were also around the bed crying as well. �Everything will be okay Nicky� My cousin said smiling down on our youngest band brother as he placed his hand to his eyes and continued to cry.  
  
  
  
�I think we caught him Nick�  
  
  
  
�Caught who?� He said after some time and several tears, his eyes starting to close again, �Derek Jones�  
  
  
  
�Who is�that?� He gulped once more and winced at the pain.  
  
  
  
�The bad guy Nicky�the bad guy� Kevin said cutting in.  
  
  
  
�Oh�� He closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.  
  
  
  
The three of us all looked at each other, tears streaming down all of our faces, even AJ�s. �He�s going to be okay� Kevin said again with more conviction.  
  
  
  
�We�re all going to be okay� He walked over to me and grabbed me in a hug with AJ walking behind us and wrapping his arms around the two of us. My hand never left Nick�s.  
  
  
  
Now that Derek was soon to be behind bars and Nick was more alert we would have a happy ending after all.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	16. Chapter 16

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16  
  
  
  
The One Who Hated

  
  
  
  
I sat on the bed next to Nick as he slept. He had cried himself to sleep as the three of us stood there helpless to do anything but watch. Seems like when it came to Nick we were always in a state of helplessness. I clutched his hand in mine even tighter as he slept, his tears still falling on his cheeks as he lightly snored.  
  
  
  
�What was that all about?� I turned to Kevin who had his own tears making their way down his face. He brushed them away feeling slightly embarrassed by his show of vulnerability.  
  
  
  
�He thought he was dead. That�s why he kept saying my name; he wanted me to find him�  
  
  
  
�Oh� He said like he totally understood what I meant. I know he had no idea but I also know he didn�t want to talk about it anymore at that moment. Maybe it was all too real for him now. Before it was all just me and my stories, most I am sure he had thought I had imagined. But with Nick now awake and crying, it brought a whole new level of realism to the fold.  
  
  
  
I turned to look at AJ, funny how to me I never looked at AJ as a kid, but that�s what he looked like standing there staring at Nick. A kid lost and scared for his friends.  
  
  
  
�Has anyone called his parents to tell them he�s awake and actually alert now?� I shrugged at Kevin.  
  
  
  
�Maybe I will then� He left the room to find a phone only to come back in a second later with a detective. I found myself rolling my eyes at him.  
  
  
  
�I hear Nick has woken up�  
  
  
  
�Yes, but he�s asleep now�  
  
  
  
�I need to ask him a few questions�  
  
  
  
�Can�t it wait until he wakes up?�  
  
  
  
�Yes� He was staring at me, I didn�t like that stare, he always made me feel so guilty.  
  
  
  
�How�s the situation at the police station?�  
  
  
  
The detective turned towards Kevin who continued once he saw the detective�s eyes. �Has he confessed yet?�  
  
  
  
�I�m really not at liberty to discuss this with you at the moment�  
  
  
  
�Oh and when will you be at liberty?� I was surprised by my tone. It was then that I realized I�d never be the same person again. The nice innocent Brian was gone. Now this cynical, angry one remained. The one who wanted to blame the world for everything that happened to him. The one who would never fully trust any living human being again.  
  
  
  
The one who hated.  
  
  
  
I know on more than one occasion I had used that word; hate. But I never really felt it. To me the word hate was just a tiny bit stronger then the word bonehead or jerk. Not anymore, I hated so much now that I felt bile rising in my throat sometimes. I could be sitting on the toilet, or alone in my bedroom ready to sleep when it would suddenly fill me to the maximum.  
  
  
  
Or like now, sitting here on my best friend�s bed, staring down at his tears and his wounds. All I wanted to do was rip somebody�s head off.  
  
  
  
�I think I have EVERY right to know what the hell is going on with that idiot! He RUINED MY LIFE!!!�  
  
  
  
Nick flinched when he heard me yell and boy I did yell, so loud that everyone was stunned into silence. I quickly gasped, embarrassed by what I had just done. �Nicky, I�m sorry� I whispered, turning to him and hoping I hadn�t woken him up.  
  
  
  
He only stirred slightly before going back to his light snoring. �Brian?� I felt my cousin�s hand on my shoulder, �You want to go get some fresh air or something?�  
  
  
  
�No� I pulled away from him and let go of Nick�s hand. �I want to know what is going on with that monster you arrested!� I was quieter this time but no less stern.  
  
  
  
�We haven�t arrested anyone Mr. Littrell. Mr. Jones came down to the station willingly�  
  
  
  
�How nice of him� Kevin said sarcastically. Maybe I wasn�t the only one who hated after all.  
  
  
  
�It was nice of him in fact, since he had already been through this once before�  
  
  
  
�Excuse me?� Now the detective had my full attention. �What do you mean he has been through this before?�  
  
  
  
He looked like he regretted his words as soon as he said them, looking around to make sure that maybe someone else hadn�t heard what he said. He probably would have gotten in trouble for it if his boss was in the room; divulging too much information or something.  
  
  
  
�Has he gotten in trouble for something like this before?� Now it was AJ�s turn to be angry. He walked towards the detective so quickly for a moment I was afraid the guy was going to pull out his gun and tell J to stay back.  
  
  
  
�We brought Mr. Jones in for questioning earlier�  
  
  
  
�You did?�  
  
  
  
He nodded at me, �When we ran the name and saw an employee who worked at this hospital we decided to bring him in on a hunch�  
  
  
  
�You said that you had no leads!�  
  
  
  
�I know�  
  
  
  
�So you have known about this guy the whole time?� Once again I felt the hate starting at my toes and making its way all the way up to my arms, ready to strangle this guy who was standing in front of me.  
  
  
  
Funny how I thought about strangling him. I placed my hands to my neck remembering what it felt like to be choked, bringing a concerned look from my cousin, �You okay?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t understand how it is you knew about this guy but yet you didn�t do anything� Weird how quickly my demeanor changed. I went from an intense feeling of hate to one of despair, faster than a blink of an eye.  
  
  
  
�We did do something� Now the detective was getting defensive which I guess was a good thing because he told us what we wanted to know, only to regret it later.  
  
  
  
�We immediately brought him in for questioning but he had an alibi for that day. So we had to let him go�  
  
  
  
�An alibi? That�s impossible�  
  
  
  
�He was working right here in this hospital that day, there was more than one witness to back that up. In fact, the log even shows he worked on you�  
  
  
  
�But that�s not possible�  
  
  
  
But maybe it was�.no, it was him. That voice�I�ll never forget that voice.  
  
  
  
 _�I really am sorry it has to end this way Brian. I really think you are a nice kid. Both of you, I mean you shouldn�t have even been here at all. Talk about wrong place wrong time�  
  
  
  
I couldn�t help but stare at the gun. I had seen it done countless times in movies but never in real life. In fact this was the closest I had even been to a gun. The barrel looked so small, not menacing at all. I briefly thought maybe it was a toy gun. Maybe this was all a joke and any minute Nick would be coming from the bathroom laughing his ass off at me.  
  
  
  
I�d say �good one Nick� And slap his butt then we could continue playing our video game.  
  
  
  
�Just tell me why you are doing this?� I was surprised by the clarity of my voice. I really did feel like I was in a movie. Maybe it would make this next part easier.  
  
  
  
�I had nothing better to do I guess� He laughed, his menacing chuckle and I once more found myself looking at the adjoining room door, waiting for Nick to come running in laughing.  
  
  
  
�So tell me, do you want me to kill him first or you?� He pointed with his gun over towards the bathroom, �Although I�m putting my money on the fact that he�s probably already dead what do you think?�  
  
  
  
�Dead?� I can�t explain really what it feels like to go into shock except to know that it was happening to me at that point. I felt detached from my body, everything suddenly feeling surreal.  
  
  
  
�As a doornail most likely�  
  
  
  
When you go into shock, time also stops going at normal speed. Everything was in slow motion. His movements� my movements, I felt myself swaying. All I could do was look over at the door. Wanting it to open but seeing it wasn�t going to happen.  
  
  
  
�So?�  
  
  
  
Maybe if I closed my eyes and wished hard enough, the door would burst open. I winced when I felt a smack to my face. At first I thought it was just reality but it was Derek growing impatient with me.  
  
  
  
�What?� I asked rubbing at my cheek. That was definitely going to leave a mark, not that it mattered anymore.  
  
  
  
�Do you want to die first or should I go in and kill my Nick?� Before I could answer he laughed, �Well I should say your Nick shouldn�t I?�  
  
  
  
I wanted to grab the gun out of his hands and shoot him in the face with it. Was that me thinking those thoughts?  
  
  
  
I looked over at him, that smile, that laugh�was suddenly different._  
  
  
  
�Brian what�s wrong?� I grabbed my head in a whirl of confusion ready to almost pass out. Feeling shaky and unsure. It was actually the detective who managed to grab me before I fell to the floor and closed my eyes to it all.  
  
  
  
 _�Brian can you hear me?� I heard a voice; it was so jumbled in my head. Familiar yet not.  
  
  
  
�Please you have to help him�.God please� The desperate tone. I wanted to tell my cousin I would be just fine. Everything was okay, but yet I couldn�t open my eyes.  
  
  
  
�Brian if you can hear me you need to open your eyes�  
  
  
  
�There�s so much blood� I wasn�t bleeding, didn�t I just pass out?  
  
  
  
�This is a nightmare�I can�t believe this is happening� I wanted to tell Howie to calm down. He sounded so scared. I wonder when he entered the picture. He was at the hotel sleeping before my black out.  
  
  
  
�Brian you will be fine� His voice once again. It didn�t sound menacing this time, it actually sounded nice. The grovel all but gone, replaced by concern.  
  
  
  
I was so confused. Why was he here now? This had to be a dream.  
  
  
  
�We are loosing him� I felt the panic all around me but yet I couldn�t open my eyes. Had something happened to Nick while I had blacked out?  
  
  
  
�Move him stat and bring this one to room three!� I felt a wind blow by me and heard creaking of wheels and the sound of a door banging open and yet I still couldn�t open my eyes.  
  
  
  
I felt his breath on my neck, �Brian I need you to be strong for us now. Squeeze my hand� I was afraid not to; otherwise he would have brought me back into that bathroom and made me pick up that knife and continue hurting my friend.  
  
  
  
�Good he�s squeezing�good job Brian�good job� I swallowed hard; I wanted water more than anything at that moment. I felt like I hadn�t drank anything in years. I heard people mumbling random orders about medicine, IV�s and trauma before I managed to finally open my eyes.  
  
  
  
When I did he was staring down at me. Derek Jones, or so his name tag said. He looked nothing like the man from my nightmares and everything like the man from earlier that day. The one they brought in for questioning. The one who supposedly came over to help me. �Nick?� I managed to get out.  
  
  
  
�He�s being worked on� Derek was inserting a needle into my arm, but I didn�t feel it.  
  
  
  
�Why?� I asked him but he ignored me, concentrating on what he was doing.  
  
  
  
Making me better.  
  
  
  
That�s when I realized� not where I was but when I was.  
  
  
  
It was another memory.  
  
  
  
And this time my enemy was my hero._  
  
  
  
I awoke in a cloud of confusion. Not sure whether I was coming or going, the same hazy feeling I had the first time.  
  
  
  
�Brian?� I turned to my cousin who was sitting next to me holding my hand.  
  
  
  
�Kevin what happened? Is Nick okay?�  
  
  
  
�He�s fine Brian�you passed out on us�  
  
  
  
�I did?�  
  
  
  
�Yes you did�  
  
  
  
�Kevin�I was totally wrong�  
  
  
  
�What do you mean?�  
  
  
  
�About Derek Jones�  
  
  
  
�Why do you say that?�  
  
  
  
�Because he worked on me in the hospital, I remember that now� He sighed and moved closer to me, �Let�s not worry about that right now. You just worry about getting better. Nick is worried about you�  
  
  
  
My eyes lit up at the mention of his name, �He is?�  
  
  
  
�Yes he woke up as they were taking you out of his room�  
  
  
  
�I need to see him�  
  
  
  
�You need to rest�  
  
  
  
I laid my head back on my pillow; I couldn�t believe I was wrong. This entire time the man who saved my life had been the one who I hated more then anything else.  
  
  
  
What�s worse is that meant I didn�t know WHO did this to us anymore.  
  
  
  
We were back at square one.  
  
  
  



	17. Chapter 17

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**17  
  
  
  
And so our Hero gets a reprieve**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Within a day of my passing out, I was back on my feet again, eager to make my way back to Nick�s room and let him know I was alright. Now that he was finally awake and aware that he had made it through the hell he had, the last thing I wanted was for him to worry about me.  
  
  
  
At first Kevin was leery of me going back to be with Nick, but I think he realized especially after I had been SO wrong about our assailant, that the only person who could make me feel better was Nick.  
  
  
  
�Are you okay Brian?� I looked over at my cousin as he put his hand on my shoulder, �It�s all about Nick now Kev�  
  
  
  
�We are still allowed to worry about you�  
  
  
  
�Don�t�I�m fine�  
  
  
  
But I wasn�t fine, I was devastated. By fingering the wrong guy as our attacker I basically gave him enough time to leave the country if he wanted to. I had to face the fact that he was probably long gone and it was all my fault.  
  
  
  
�I just feel like I should apologize to him or something�  
  
  
  
�Who?�  
  
  
  
�Derek Jones�  
  
  
  
�Oh�Brian I�m sure he understands better then anyone else how the brain works�  
  
  
  
�Post traumatic stress disorder� He nodded.  
  
  
  
�Hey guys� Howie met us in the hallway as we got off the elevator and landed on Nick�s floor. He finally looked well rested. At least one of us did. It was about time!  
  
  
  
�How are you feeling?� He asked me looking me up and down and then giving Kevin the look that was usually reserved for Nick.  
  
  
  
�I�m good D. How�s Nick?�  
  
  
  
�He�s doing better Brian, he�s actually alert and semi awake. The police were just in talking to him�  
  
  
  
�He just woke up!� Howie nodded, �I know but don�t worry I was in there with him, I actually held his hand. They didn�t press him too hard just asked him if he remembered what the guy looked like�  
  
  
  
�And what did he say? Did he remember?�  
  
  
  
�Just that he was wearing a black mask� Black mask? Maybe that�s why he was Darth Vader in my dreams.  
  
  
  
�How was he when they asked him? I mean was it hard for him to talk about?� Howie looked at Kevin and nodded, �A little, but luckily that�s all they asked for now. I�m sure they�ll be back. He wanted me to see if you were any better Brian, he�ll be relived when he sees you walk in�  
  
  
  
I smiled at Howie but still had that same uneasy feeling I always had when getting close to entering Nick�s room. It was almost like I was afraid I�d get transported back in time, back to that place that I want to forget about.  
  
  
  
Kevin sighed as he saw the detectives in the distance, �I wish the police would just leave him alone!�  
  
  
  
�I know but they really needed some leads� I was now arguing for the police, before I would have been appalled, now I was grateful.  
  
  
  
The two detectives who had been assigned to this case from the very beginning were standing right outside of Nick�s room. I looked down at the floor, not really eager to make eye contact with them. When Kevin finally told them what I had said earlier they were disgusted. Not making it any secret that they had suspected as much all along.  
  
  
  
�Did Nick help at all?� Kevin asked them hopefully just before entering the room.  
  
  
  
�Too much time has gone by so our chances are slim of ever finding this guy� They had told my cousin as if I wasn�t even there. I no longer mattered.  
  
  
  
�We will keep on looking though�don�t worry� That time they did say it to me and all I could do was nod.  
  
  
  
I decided to focus my attention once more on being reunited with my friend because all of the other stuff was just too depressing. When I walked in he was alert and awake patiently watching a nurse take his pulse while he had a thermometer in his mouth. He looked so much better but still far from the best.  
  
  
  
He was pale and worn out, that much could be read in his eyes which lit up once he saw me walk into the room.  
  
  
  
�Hey buddy� I walked over to him as he tried to say something only to be stopped by the nurse. �We�ll be done in a minute� She said giving me a nod. I walked around to the other side of the bed and sat down; his eyes followed me the whole time.  
  
  
  
The nurse took the thermometer out of his mouth and jot down the number it read. �Does he have a fever?� Kevin asked walking up behind her.  
  
  
  
�Just a low one, you don�t stay up too long young man�you need your sleep�  
  
  
  
�Okay� He whispered. I don�t know what I was expecting. Well I take that back, I KNOW what I was expecting. A joke or some kind of smartass reply, the very Nick type of an answer to a command like that. His answer was so sweet and simple and untypical of Nick that I almost wanted to cry. I know that probably sounds silly but I just so desperately needed things to go back to normal now. I wanted to forget this chapter of my life and move onto the next.  
  
  
  
After the nurse left he smiled at me, �Hi�  
  
  
  
�Hi� It felt weird; I almost wanted to ask him how the weather was.  
  
  
  
�Are you hurting anywhere Nick?� He turned towards my cousin and shook his head, �I�m good, they have me on a lot of medicine I think� He sounded so different, like his voice had changed or something. I wasn�t able to make out what exactly felt different but something was not the same.  
  
  
  
He turned to face me again, �Are you okay?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, I�m okay�  
  
  
  
He let out a sigh; I�m sure it was of relief but in the very back of my mind I felt like it might have been regret. That maybe he was thinking oh isn�t that nice how you are fine while I am feeling like total crap.  
  
  
  
Paranoia.  
  
  
  
It would always be there from now on. Every little thing people will do or say I�m going to interpret the wrong way, including concern from my friend and that made me sad.  
  
  
  
I hated what Derek Jo�I hated what that guy did to me.  
  
  
  
Whoever he was.  
  
  
  
�Bri?� I looked over at Nick when he said my name, I must have been zoning out.  
  
  
  
�Yeah buddy?�  
  
  
  
He swallowed, �I thought you were dead� He grabbed onto my hand trying his best to grip it tightly. �I really thought when he took you out of the room that��  
  
  
  
�I�m alive Nick, so are you� He nodded. I didn�t mean to interrupt him but at the same time I didn�t want to hear the rest of the sentence so instead I continued, �And they�ll find him and put him away forever. We�re safe now�  
  
  
  
�Safe�� His voice drifted as he said the word, at first I thought he was falling asleep but then I realized he was looking at his arm. The one with the word MINE carved in it. The word which I placed there. Kevin noticing him gazing down at his wounds was quick to try to distract him, �Nicky are you hungry or anything? How about some food? Or if you want I can ask AJ to bring your Nintendo over here. I mean I�m sure they don�t allow that kind of thing but we can make an exception I�m sure�  
  
  
  
�S�okay I don�t feel like playing� He placed his other hand over his arm to feel the raised word.  
  
  
  
�Nick don�t� I begged, ready to cry but trying my hardest not to.  
  
  
  
�I have to� Once again he whispered, softly and sounding different. Kevin glanced over at me and I stared back at him. Neither of us knew what to do. When it came to Nick, we all were never at a shortage of words to help the kid out, give him direction or advice whether he wanted it or not. Most times he was a reluctant recipient to the things we would tell him. Especially my cousin, he never wanted to hear what Kevin had to say about anything. Even AJ would find himself doling out big brotherly advice to Nick. He just had that way about him, like he needed to be looked after.  
  
  
  
That�s why as he was rubbing his hand up and down his arm I felt so helpless as did Kevin and Howie as we watched. There was no advice we could give and nothing at all to do to make it better for him.  
  
  
  
�I�m so sorry Nick�  
  
  
  
�I know� Somehow that didn�t make me feel better. I wanted him to tell me don�t feel sorry it�s not your fault. By saying I know he was basically accusing me of doing that to him.  
  
  
  
�I was ready to die for you� Kevin and Howie both looked at me as if it was a highly inappropriate thing to do but I had to say it, I had to justify to him how much he meant to me.  
  
  
  
�Brian don�t� He said shaking his head, but it was to late the memories were back.  
  
  
  
  
  
 _He was faceless after all, a man wearing a black mask, not a lab coat in site� just a black ski mask to match his black shirt and black jeans.  
  
  
  
�I�m getting pretty tired of waiting for your answer� I looked at his gun again feeling my legs shaking. Funny how I hadn�t noticed that before. I tried to make my mouth move; I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to tell him to kill me and then leave Nick alone.  
  
  
  
�Okay fine looks like I�ll go kill your friend first, would you like to watch� He turned around and headed for the adjoining bedroom once again. �No�  
  
  
  
�No what? You don�t want to watch? Why not Brian you already did such a great job with the knife I thought perhaps I could take you under my wing and show you how to shoot someone in the head�  
  
  
  
�Please don�t do this�  
  
  
  
�It�s too late Brian I already explained this to you�  
  
  
  
�He�s just a kid�  
  
  
  
�Yeah? Well so are you, big deal� He opened the door and began to step inside. �Come on�  
  
  
  
�No, please just��  
  
  
  
�Just what?� He was amused because he knew what I wanted to say and he also knew I was too afraid to say it.  
  
  
  
�Me first� I finally got out while crying like a baby. �Just kill me first�  
  
  
  
�I was wondering when and if you were going to say that� He walked all the way back into my room, �I don�t blame you�I wouldn�t want to die feeling like a coward either�  
  
  
  
I was hyperventilating, my heart felt like it was going to just jump out of my chest and at that point I was almost wishing it would. If I was going to die today I didn�t want it to be by this man in front of me.  
  
  
  
�Anything you want to say before you die hero?�  
  
  
  
I opened my mouth to speak but stopped myself; I didn�t want to share my last thoughts on this earth with one of the most evil men I had ever encountered. Instead I imagined my mother standing in front of me blowing me a kiss as if I was going on the bus to school. She used to put little love notes in my lunch box and all the kids would make fun of me while secretly looking for notes of their own.  
  
  
  
I pictured my dad and I out on the front porch of our house as he tried to whittle something out of wood. Dad always enjoyed thinking he was a carpenter when we all knew better.  
  
  
  
As the masked man walked behind me and told me to get down on my knees I thought about my brother, the way I always wanted nothing more than to be like him. He was my idol and I loved him very much.  
  
  
  
I heard a click behind me and closed my eyes; I felt my entire body shaking now as I saw my family in front of me. The last thing I wanted to think of before I died.  
  
  
  
Then I heard voices coming towards us, familiar voices. �Yeah they have to be back now� It sounded like they were down the hall and coming towards the room but there was no doubt that it was AJ�s voice I heard.  
  
  
  
The guy behind me heard it too because he quickly uncocked his gun, �Shit� He said. I was just about to yell for help when I felt something hit me in the back of the head. The last thing I remember is seeing the blue carpet as I fell towards it face first._  
  
  
  
I looked up from my memory to see all three faces staring at me, �Brian?� I moved my head to face the voice of my best friend. Now I recognized the sound of his voice. It had the same sound I had when I thought I was going to die.  
  
  
  
It was the sound of sadness and it would forever be heard in both of our dialects. The smallest hint of sadness even while wearing a smile. �He had asked me�� I finally was able to say once I got control of my emotions, �If I should die first or you and I said me�  
  
  
  
�What did he do then?� Tears were starting to form in Nick�s eyes and I hated to see that. Know that I was the cause.  
  
  
  
�He was just about to shoot me when he heard you guys coming down the hallway� Now I turned towards Howie and Kevin, �The three of you saved my life and Nick�s� Kevin looked amazed, maybe he was in his own state of shock. �We did?�  
  
  
  
I nodded, �He must have hit me right then and there just to get out before you came�  
  
  
  
�Thank God for that� Howie muttered as he walked closer to us, �Thank God�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Nick and smiled at him, we were still holding onto each other. �I really thought we were going to die� He said in his whisper.  
  
  
  
�I did too�  
  
  
  
�How in the world did we miss him if he we were in such close proximity?� Howie asked now sounding more like a detective then a Backstreet Boy. �He was in the room with me�  
  
I looked at Nick with questioning eyes while he continued; �He was with me� He looked down at the blanket. That�s when I realized there was so much more to this story. I only knew part of it but maybe now Nick could fill in the blanks.  
  
  
  
After seeing the look he had on his face, I didn�t want him to though.  
  
  
  
�Nick?� He looked over at Kevin, �Where you awake when we came inside?� He nodded.  
  
  
  
�What happened?� I hated when everyone asked me that question and now here I was doing it to Nick, but I wanted to know�I needed to know his side of the story.  
  
  



	18. Chapter 18

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**18  
  
  
  
Nicky�s Tale**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I looked over at my friend, curiosity lighting my eyes. I so desperately wanted to hear his side of the story but yet, I was terrified to hear it. I remember one night while Howie and I were downstairs in the cafeteria getting a cup of coffee; he looked over at me and said, �God I hope he wakes up with no memory of this at all don�t you?�  
  
  
  
I was so tossed with that idea at the time, the time when Derek Jones was without a doubt my assailant and the doer of all the evil deeds. �I hope you�re right D because to remember those things would be hell� I had taken a sip of my coffee and as that conversation had died it had only continued in my head, �Pure hell like the hell I�m going through slowly remembering everything. I wouldn�t wish this on anybody D, not anybody in the world�  
  
  
  
We had finished our coffee in silence after that, both imagining things in our heads although mine was much more vivid than Howie�s I�m sure.  
  
  
  
Nick closed his eyes and for a moment I thought that maybe that was a sign for me to not ask what I needed to ask. I glanced over at Kevin who was staring back at me. I know he wanted answers too.  
  
  
  
�I was lying on the floor in the bathroom�� We both turned our heads to Nick who still had his eyes closed, as if in a trance. Maybe he was going back to that day or maybe it was just easier for him to pretend he was talking to himself. Either way we all just listened, none of us saying one word�  
  
  
  
�I was having a really hard time breathing, it hurt so bad�I can�t even describe what it felt like. I thought I was on fire. I tried to sit up but I was too weak and whenever I put my hands down to push myself up off the floor they would slide around from all the blood�my blood.  
  
  
  
I heard water and for a minute I thought I was maybe in a creek or something, like in the middle of my childhood when you stop to realize everything you have been living was nothing but a huge daydream. But I felt the water slowly puddling around me and opened my eyes to see it overflowing out of the bathtub.  
  
  
  
When he put the water on I don�t remember. That part of it all is just kind of not there anymore�.�  
  
  
  
He looked over at me for a moment and I smiled back at him. Why I smiled I have no clue. �I remember you leaving me, telling me to say your name and then just like that you were gone. I wanted to hold on to you but I couldn�t�I just�� He swallowed and closed his eyes again.  
  
  
  
�It�s okay Nick, you�re okay now� Kevin said in his most soothing voice.  
  
�I was so scared� Now I saw tears falling from his eyes and like watching someone yawn, I immediately felt mine falling as well. �I thought he had taken you out of there and killed you Brian. I called your name hoping that you�d hear me. I wanted to know you were alive�but then when I didn�t hear you anymore I thought maybe you were�I mean maybe he��  
  
  
  
�I know� I whispered wiping my tears away and sighing.  
  
  
  
�I got really tired after that, maybe I was just sick of fighting and wanted to quit, so I closed my eyes. It hurt so much, my arms and chest were burning� He moved his hands over his chest where another MINE was hiding under his hospital gown.  
  
  
  
�I closed my eyes and prayed for death�I wanted to just make it all go away. I feel so bad for thinking that way� He sighed and I could tell that this was all too much for him at the moment. �Nicky, why don�t you rest for a little bit and we can talk about this later? You just woke up and I don�t want you to��  
  
  
  
�No� He opened his eyes again and grabbed my arm which made me flinch. No more sudden movements around Brian anymore. I would forever shy away from them.  
  
  
  
�I have to keep going Brian�I have to�  
  
  
  
I nodded and he let go of my arm, his skin felt so hot to the touch. �I think you have a fever� I said as I looked over at Kevin hoping he�d take that as a sign to go get a doctor. �Yeah why don�t you take it easy buddy� Kevin said now moving closer and placing his hand on Nick�s forehead, �You have already been through so much, just rest and we�ll be here when you wake up�  
  
  
  
Nick tried sitting up a little bit which was very painful for him. He groaned and bit his bottom lip, �Kevin�please let me just talk�I need to talk okay?�  
  
  
  
Kevin smiled and nodded as I just stood there staring at my friend who looked like he had aged about ten years. He didn�t have that innocent look anymore, I hope he gets that back one day. He used to wear it well; the _I�m only a kid why are you asking me?_ look.  
  
  
  
After a few more seconds of silence, he continued his story, �I thought I was dead, I swear the pain was even starting to go away and in the distance I could swear I heard someone saying my name. A nice voice, a friendly one. But when he walked back into the bathroom, I realized the voice I heard was AJ calling my name. I wanted to scream but I couldn�t get any sound out. The guy closed the door and put his fingers up to his lips to keep me quiet, �I�ll kill them all if you make a sound� He said to me. I remember believing him 100 percent.  
  
I�m not sure exactly how long he was in there with me in the bathroom because I was having the hardest time keeping my eyes open. The floor was beginning to be comfortable, it felt like my bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. He stood over me; I could feel him there even though my eyes were closed. I didn�t care anymore; all I wanted was to sleep.  
  
  
  
Then I heard him leave me, he said, �See ya later� And he was gone�  
  
  
  
�He was in there while we were in there?� Nick nodded at Kevin who suddenly shivered.  
  
  
  
�He must have snuck out using Nick�s room while we were still in with Brian� All eyes went to Howie when he said that. The color draining from his face as well. They were psyched out from just hearing that the maniac was in the next room, imagine if they were either me or Nick.  
  
  
  
�The police said you didn�t remember anything� I felt guilty and ashamed as I nodded. How was it that I messed things up so badly?  
  
  
  
�All I remember is being hit on the head� Nick looked down at the floor, �I was so scared when he did that to you�  
  
  
  
�I know you were�  
  
  
  
�I tried to run over to help you but he pulled me away from you. I really wanted to help� I looked over at him and I saw myself. All the guilt I had been feeling about not being able to do more, shining right back at me through Nick. He was feeling the same exact way.  
  
  
  
�I know you did Nick, don�t worry about it. What�s done is done�  
  
  
  
�Your head was bleeding; I noticed that as he dragged me away. He was pulling me by my shoulder blades; I thought he was going to rip them right out of their sockets. He was so much stronger than me, I couldn�t fight back. I couldn�t do anything but let him drag me into my bedroom while you laid there unconscious and hurt� Once again his tears began to spill and I reached over and wiped them away. I was sitting on the bed with him at this point. The closer the better, if I could have jumped into his skin to make this easier for him I would have.  
  
  
  
�He threw me across the room, I swear I went flying. I landed on my back and for a minute I thought it was broken. He grabbed a chair and placed it in the center of the room while I tried to scoot away from him. I didn�t even try to scream�I mean how dumb was that?�  
  
  
  
�Not dumb�not dumb at all�  
  
  
  
He looked over at my cousin and smiled, �Thanks�  
  
I placed my hand on his arm and instantly pulled it away when I felt the word underneath. He didn�t even flinch though; I think his memories were consuming him.  
  
  
  
�He pulled me up and handcuffed me to the chair, telling me how I was his destiny and that he was waiting for this day forever. I didn�t understand what he meant I just kept trying to wriggle my way out of the cuffs. I felt my wrist cutting while I struggled. I think he was drunk, he smelled�  
  
  
  
Now that he said that, I remembered that as well. He smelled like alcohol but it might have been Listerine, but he also smelled like urine. That I do remember now.  
  
  
  
�He walked around my room humming one of our songs; he would hum until he got to the chorus, then he felt free to sing it. Quit Playing Games I think it was. Anyway�� He took a deep breath and closed his eyes suddenly. �Are you okay Nick?� He nodded, �Just a little dizzy. I think I need to sleep� I pat his arm, �Good idea�you sleep� I went to stand up and he grabbed me, �No, please don�t go�just stay right there okay?� I nodded, �Of course, you close your eyes and rest� I whispered to him as if he was a child I was trying to lull to sleep.  
  
  
  
Within minutes he was sleeping as soundly as possible I suppose, leaving Kevin, Howie and I just sitting in there trying to make sense of it all. �I don�t know if I want to hear the rest� I freely admitted once I felt enough quiet time had gone by. �I mean�I could barely stand to hear what he was saying just now. I don�t know if I can deal with whatever else he might have to say�  
  
  
  
�Maybe he won�t finish Brian� I could tell that Kevin was hoping he was right.  
  
  
  
But he wasn�t right because only ten minutes later Nick stirred himself awake. His groaning made us all move. I as promised never left his side, sitting right next to him on the bed. I had moved towards the end where there was a bit more room.  
  
  
  
In the ten minuets that went by Kevin must have changed his position in his chair at least a thousand times. Howie flipping the channels on the TV just to have something keep him company other than us. AJ had also popped in looking tired but happy. He brought us all a box of Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts because he knew how much Nick liked them.  
  
  
  
I think the smell of them woke Nick up.  
  
  
  
�Hey buddy did you have a good sleep?� I asked him doing my best to smile from ear to ear. My smiles have never felt forced before but they did now.  
  
  
  
�I am achy�  
  
  
  
�So you want a doctor? Let me go find a doctor� Kevin said jumping out of his chair. He wanted to get out of that room like no ones business.  
  
�I�m okay Kev�really�  
  
  
  
�You sure?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�  
  
  
  
�Okay well if you�re sure� He said sitting back down and once again shifting his position.  
  
  
  
�Look what I brought you Kaos�.time to make the donuts� He smiled, I�m sure in another time or place that would have brought out an infamous Nick giggle but there was none to be had. Just a polite, �Thank you AJ�  
  
  
  
AJ walked over and helped Nick adjust the bed so he could sit semi up straight and then he placed his hand in the box and tried pulling out a munchkin. He was so weak he couldn�t grasp it fully so I placed my hand in the box and helped him out.  
  
  
  
�Thanks�  
  
  
  
�Sure thing�  
  
  
  
He took a bite out of the donut, just one bite and that was all. He handed the rest to me and I smiled at him as I threw it in the garbage. �Why does everyone do that?�  
  
  
  
�Do what lil man?� Kevin asked perplexed by Nick�s sudden mood change.  
  
  
  
�Keep giving me that fake smile, like everything is all peachy?� I wasn�t expecting that which is weird because out of the four of us I should have expected it. That�s how I felt too wasn�t it?  
  
  
  
�We know it�s not peachy Nick, we know how hard this is for you� He sighed and placed his head back on the pillow. �We�re just trying to make it a little easier� I smiled again as Howie nodded and actually tried to stop myself. Turn my smile into a frown, which is what I felt more comfortable doing anyway.  
  
  
  
�I just don�t want you guys to act like everything is okay because it�s not okay� He began crying again and stopped me from trying to hug him, �Don�t�� He made a fist and wiped his tears away with it.  
  
  
  
None of us knew what to do, once more feeling helpless as he cried silently just wiping his tears away as a FedEx commercial played in the background. I remembered seeing how scared he looked handcuffed to the chair. His eyes were bulging with fear and as I looked at him; now that face hadn�t changed. I placed my hand on his leg, hoping that it would make him feel better. When I did that he looked over at me and asked me the one thing he had over and over again in all my dreams.  
  
  
  
�Why?� His voice was badly breaking now as he just started to full on bawl his eyes out. Within a second of it happening, the others were surrounding his bed. Kevin sitting on the one side while I was on the other. My cousin grabbed him in a hug and rocked with him as he cried, �Shhh�its okay let it all out Nick�let it all out. You�re safe and we are all here and we all love you�  
  
  
  
�Why me? Why did he have to do those things to me?� I felt a hand on my shoulder and saw that Howie was behind me trying to wrap himself around me as protectively as Kevin was doing for Nick.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know Nick�I wish I did�Shhhh�  
  
  
  
�It hurt so bad Kevin�I hurt so bad�  
  
  
  
I looked over at AJ who was standing against the wall, like he had been pinned there or something. He was trying to escape the grief in the room. I don�t blame him; it was a suffocating feeling, much the same way as the guy who tried to strangle me made me feel.  
  
  
  
�Why?� He asked again but this time he was muffled into Kevin�s shoulder.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know� Came the whispered reply.  
  
  
  
�He said see ya later, he�s going to be back again� My own eyes lit with horror when he said that. �No he won�t Nick�he won�t ever be able to hurt you or I again�  
  
  
  
He pulled himself away from Kevin and motioned for me. Maybe he just remembered he hadn�t gone through this alone, that he would forever have an ally when dealing with the feelings he was dealing with. A partner to help him and hold onto for support who felt the same way he did.  
  
  
  
I scooted closer to him and pulled him into a hug, �I love you Nick�and we�re going to be alright�  
  
  
  
I felt the whole world melt away then as I sat and hugged my best friend. Realizing we were going to be closer now than ever before.  
  



	19. Chapter 19

  
  
  
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**19  
  
  
  
Periwinkle Days**

  
  
  
  
  
  
The days that followed were all an endless blur to me. Everyday Nick grew stronger and stronger and our attacker got farther and farther away. I told the police every detail I could think of, from the stab wound that I had inflicted on the guy who did this to us, to the plastic garbage bag full of bloody clothes that had to be somewhere around the hotel. Unless he took them as a token to remember us by.  
  
  
  
Nick and I did our best to recall every detail that we could remember and that�s exactly what was happening to me, I was remembering everything. I think it helped having Nick awake because as he talked about something I also instantly remembered it; from the sour smell to the blood everywhere.  
  
  
  
It all was back whether I wanted it to be or not.  
  
  
  
I also found myself not wanting to leave Nick�s side, not even to go to sleep. Kevin was annoyed by that insisting that I was wearing myself out by just staying at the hospital all day and night but I felt safe there. I think Nick did too, I saw it in the way he looked over at me after I shot down his insistence that I go home and rest. He didn�t want me to leave anymore than I wanted to.  
  
  
  
One of them always stayed with us, never leaving just the two of us alone, except on the last night Nick was in the hospital. I stood in the hallway while Nick�s parents visited him and begged Kevin to let me just stay with him alone.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know Brian�I�d feel more comfortable if I stayed�  
  
  
  
�I know Kevin�I just feel like I need some alone time with him, he�s going home tomorrow and Lord knows when I�ll get to see him again�  
  
  
  
Jane and Bob decided to bring Nick back to Florida and understandably so. He needed a break, we all did but I didn�t want us to be apart anymore. Florida seemed so far away. It WAS so far away. He even asked me to go with him but my parents were pretty adamant themselves about me going home to rest so tonight was going to be the last night we would see each other for a while.  
  
  
  
�You�ll see him again Brian it�s not like he going to be gone fore�� He stopped himself. After this he couldn�t say something as mundane as he�s not going to be gone forever because this thing made us realize you never know. Kevin paused and then nodded, �Okay maybe it�s a good idea�  
  
  
  
�Thanks�  
  
  
  
�The Carters might want some alone time with him though�  
  
  
  
�They�re going to have him for at least 6 weeks Kevin, tonight is my turn� My cousin laughed and somewhere in my head I heard my brother saying �That boy is your puppy dog� followed by �Can I keep him mom please?�  
  
  
  
So after Jane and Bob finally left the hospital still without making eye contact with me, I ventured inside to see Nick. I made it a habit of bringing something silly into the room whenever I went to see him, mostly because it proved to be a nice distraction at those times when we both felt ourselves getting sad.  
  
  
  
My therapist thought it would be a good idea. �Focus on something pleasant when you feel yourself going back there�  
  
  
  
To me pleasant was something silly, something that could make us laugh and take away our sad thoughts. It was funny to think that grief could so easily be hidden behind a Mr. Potato Head or to the left of a deck of stripper playing cards or like today, where our grief would be secretly masked by a ridiculous dancing gopher singing Jailhouse Rock.  
  
  
  
When I entered the room he was sitting up and staring at the television, I knew that he wasn�t watching it though. He was looking behind it. That�s where the nightmare of what happened was living for him today.  
  
  
  
I put on the dancing gopher and started dancing with it as I entered the room. He laughed and shook his head, �Brian�you are NOT right�  
  
  
  
�Went to a party in the county jail�� I sang in my Donald Duck voice, why not right? If I as going to be ridiculous why not be totally insanely ridiculous. He just watched amused occasionally laughing. Until finally the thing stopped as I sat on the chair by his bed.  
  
  
  
�It�ll be nice being back in your own bed huh?� He nodded, but he didn�t seem all that excited about it.  
  
  
  
�Well, I�m kind of looking forward to getting back into my bed. My mom will spoil me rotten I�m sure� He didn�t respond but kept staring into space. Today was one of those days for him.  
  
  
  
�You okay?� He nodded once again and laid back down grimacing a little while he did so. �Just not keen on leaving you guys�  
  
  
  
�We are gonna miss you Nicky but you need your rest. I think we all do�  
  
  
  
�I know but still�it�ll be weird�  
  
  
  
It would be weird, so weird because before this happened we were in the middle of everything. So busy, barely any time to breathe. Now we had all the time in the world and that was scary. When my mother came back to see me only a day or so after Nick woke up she mentioned to me for the first time that maybe I should stop with the band. Come back home and relax. I was still young and could always get back into show business later if I still wanted to do that. She said she was scared to death that something like this could happen to me again only this time I wouldn�t be so lucky.  
  
  
  
It was odd hearing my mother talk like that because she has always encouraged me to follow my dreams. To hear her asking... no begging me to stop was so sad. At least in the end she did say I was 21 years old. Old enough to make my own decisions and that she would honor whatever choice I made.  
  
  
  
What about Nick though? He was only 16. What if his parents didn�t give him the same freedom? What if this was seriously the last time I would ever see him. I mean it�s not like it would be totally out of the realm of possibility for his parents to pull him out of the group after something like this has happened.  
  
  
  
If I had a son, I might just do the very same thing.  
  
  
  
�Maybe you can come and visit me?� I was broken out of my thoughts and looked over at him. �Yeah maybe�party at Nick�s house� He laughed.  
  
  
  
�Maybe you all can come and see me�  
  
  
  
�Well, AJ and Howie will be close so I bet they�ll be bugging you more than anything�  
  
  
  
�Yeah� I could tell we were both going to that place again so I made the gopher sing another round of Jailhouse Rock. I think Nick was grateful for that as he forced a laugh again. Still not back to the natural giggle he had that made me always crack up.  
  
  
  
�While I�m home my mom is going to consult a plastic surgeon about my scars� I always had to look away whenever he talked about the scars. The ones that I had gave him. The good news was that I hadn�t done all the damage. I only carved the one word on his arm. The bad news is that I had to sit and watch while our attacker did the rest.  
  
  
  
 _�I said look at me when I�m doing this� I refused to look; I just couldn�t bare it anymore. I tried to tackle the guy so many times as he hurt Nick that he actually handcuffed me to the towel rack, even then I struggled as he hurt my friend, my little brother.  
  
  
  
�I said look at me when I do this!!!� He walked over and grabbed my chin and I actually spit in his face. I closed my eyes and braced for a slap but didn�t get one. That�s when the feeling of anger took me over. The same feeling I had in my dreams but was never fully sure why. I had never hated another human being as much as I hated this one right now.  
  
  
  
�You know that attitude will only hurt Nick not help him. I thought you were the church boy�.the God boy. That other one is the rebel, not you. The good boy�  
  
  
  
I scowled at him which made him smile. I still couldn�t make myself look at Nick, but I couldn�t block out his cries. He was sobbing and it was awful.  
  
  
  
�There we go�you are mine forever kid you know that? Mine�all those screaming girls all over Europe and Germany think that they own you but they don�t. I do�  
  
  
  
�No�one�owns�m...m...e� He managed to get out in the middle of his hyperventilating�  
  
  
  
�You�re wrong there kid, I own you and you have the marks to prove it. He does too right Brian? That was a very fine piece of carving you did there kid� I looked away again, �Oh not this again turn around and face me BOY!�  
  
  
  
�Please�leave him alone� Nick pleaded, sticking up for me as he was getting tortured. That made me turn his way, I had to at that point and I almost threw up when I saw him. Sitting there as blood poured down his stomach and arms. _  
  
  
  
I closed my eyes for a second trying to transport myself from that place back to the singing gopher. Nick had managed to press the button on it when he saw me fading away. I looked at it and smiled, �That thing is really cute isn�t it?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah but guaranteed if we play it long enough Kevin will end up throwing it out a window�  
  
  
  
I nodded, once again it was meant to be funny, in fact if he had said that a few weeks ago, we would have schemed and plotted a way to get that gopher into Kevin�s head. Rest it on the toilet while he showered, sat it on his bunk while he napped. Even place it on his cabinet in the fridge. Yup we would have figured out a way to drive the poor guy bonkers with it.  
  
  
  
But that was then�now we only half laughed about it before looking for it to comfort us. �Are you scared about going to the plastic surgeon?� I asked him looking away from the gopher and concentrating on my friend.  
  
  
  
�Yeah I mean what if they can�t fix me Rok? I�m going to look like a freak forever� He took a deep breath and sighed.  
  
  
  
�You�ll never be a freak Nick�okay? Never�  
  
  
  
He nodded but I knew he didn�t believe me.  
  
  
  
�I hate feeling blue you know? I�m a happy kid but I hate always feeling blue. What about you?�  
  
  
  
I moved onto the bed next to him and rested my head on his shoulder, �I don�t like to feel blue either so I go with periwinkle� That made him laugh.  
  
�I always think if Bullwinkle when I hear that, what a silly color� I smiled.  
  
  
  
�Nick, you won�t always feel blue�I won�t either. In time, we�ll both be okay. We�ll be able to laugh and go about our lives as if this was just a bad dream�  
  
  
  
�But until then�I guess we should expect more periwinkle days huh?� I sat up and looked at him, �Yes I guess so buddy�  
  
  
  
The following morning the guys all got there nice and early, way before Nick�s parents came to take him away. Kevin was of course the first one to enter. He woke me gently by tapping my shoulder. I had fallen asleep on the bed right next to Nick instead of the cot that had been at least one of our homes since he had been there.  
  
  
  
�Did you sleep well?� He whispered to me as I stood up and stretched. Amazed that the answer to that question would be a yes.  
  
  
  
AJ and Howie followed shortly after so by the time Nick woke up we were all there and ready to say our goodbyes� for the most part.  
  
  
  
We helped him get dressed and put on his shoes. Trying our hardest to ignore the scars that were present as we did so. They were still wrapped in gauze but they might as well have been see through as far as I was concerned.  
  
  
  
His parents showed up about an hour later ready to sign him out. That�s when we said our goodbyes.  
  
  
  
Howie went first, �Hey Nicky�take care and I�ll be there to see you whenever you want� He gave Nick a huge hug and kissed his cheek.  
  
  
  
�Yeah and if you ever need to escape I�m only a phone call away� AJ said taking Nick�s hand and squeezing it.  
  
  
  
Kevin sat down on the bed right next to Nick, �You know I love you lil man right? And I know I�ll be in Kentucky but if you need me I�m there you understand? I don�t care if it�s in the middle of the night or during a hurricane I�ll come for you�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Kev� He said leaning on Kevin�s shoulder the same way I leaned on his the night before.  
  
  
  
Kevin pat my shoulder as I sat next to my friend. �Are you going to be alright?� He smiled at me, �I hope so� It was an honest answer. I hoped so too.  
  
  
  
�Call me okay?�  
  
  
  
�I will Brian�  
  
  
  
�We�ll get through this together Nick� I pulled him into a hug, �I love you Frack� I whispered to him, �I love you and stay safe�  
  
  
  
I stood to leave the room as Jane and Bob walked over to help him finish getting ready. �Brian?�  
  
  
  
I turned towards him, �Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�Thanks for finding me�  
  
  
  
�Later gater� I said as I turned and walked out of the room. Wanting more than anything to turn back and never let him go.  
  
  
  
Six weeks seemed like a long time. A long time to go without being together. What if this was it? The end of the band? They all said it wouldn�t happen, even Jane had assured Kevin that she wasn�t going to make Nick quit. But what if that wasn�t true?  
  
  
  
Yup I wanted to turn around and run back inside, I didn�t want to walk ahead and face uncertainty.  
  
  
  
So much can happen in six weeks.  
  
  



	20. Chapter 20

  
  
  
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**20  
  
  
  
The Hair**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Those six weeks we waited to all be together again at first dragged. When I got home all I wanted to do was leave. I hated being confined to my house because with it I felt like I was confined to my memories. My family coddled me, held me close and never left me alone. That part I didn�t mind so much but in the end I was ready to go back to Florida and start over again. Leave all this behind and have a redo. It seemed only fair.  
  
  
  
I went back to Florida after a month and in that time the four of us minus Nick began having small meetings with our management team about our future. The good thing was there was going to be a future for us, that much we were sure of.  
  
  
  
I talked to Nick on the phone almost every single night, sometimes we wouldn�t even say anything just sat and listened to each other breath when we both ran out of words to say. No matter who was around me, it was Nick that I felt most at ease with. Maybe because he knew, he understood how something like this lingers. It forever would.  
  
  
  
The one good thing that happened while I was home is that those dreams stopped coming. I wasn�t dreaming of my monster anymore, in fact I had a good dream for the first time since this whole ordeal had happened. I can�t even tell you what it was about exactly but it involved lots of laughing and joking.  
  
  
  
Nick said he was having fun at home and that he had gained about fifty pounds from his mom�s home made meals. I knew he wasn�t telling me the truth because according to Howie who had seen him a lot during our break, he was barely touching any meals but still, I played along. Sometimes it was easier that way.  
  
  
  
When I first got to Florida I was going to go to Tampa and see Nick but Kevin thought it was a bad idea, �Don�t do it cousin, it�ll only make him want to rush to come back and we don�t want him to overdue it� As much as I didn�t want to agree with my cousin I knew he had a point.  
  
  
  
It felt nice seeing the other guys again but I couldn�t wait for the five of us to be together. The night before Nick was to meet us in Orlando at Trans con I couldn�t even sleep I was so excited. Color me corny but that�s how I felt.  
  
  
  
We sat in Lou�s huge office lined with accolades mostly belonging to us, as he finally entered. We all sat in silence for a minute, which was odd but what do you say exactly?  
  
  
  
�Hey� AJ said standing up to grab Nick into a hug. We all stood and followed suit, now that we had permission to touch him.  
  
  
  
He looked good, still a little pale but so much healthier. He was wearing a blue tee shirt just long enough to cover his scars that would soon be just a memory. At least that�s what the plastic surgeon had said to him. With a few operations you would barely be able to tell that anything was there at all.  
  
  
  
He also wore an American flag bandana on his head; yup he looked good, almost like my Frack again.  
  
  
  
By the time the hellos got to me, he already looked worn out, that didn�t stop me from grabbing him in a huge hug though. �You look good� I told him as I embraced him, �You lie� I laughed.  
  
  
  
He still had that sound in his voice, like all innocence had been abruptly stolen from him. It made me mad but a lot of things made me mad. For one that there were still no leads in the case. Once I finally did get around to telling the cops about the stab wound, they used that as a main point in trying to find the guy by searching every hospital record to see if there was anyone brought in with an unexplained stab wound. Nothing turned up which the cops say isn�t completely out of the ordinary. He might have gone to a friend to bandage him up or he�s running around town with an infected leg. Good, I hope it�s the latter�let the bastard die.  
  
  
  
They said not to give up hope but yet start preparing ourselves for a possible open ending. That they might not ever find this guy, but they would keep looking. They explained this to both my parents and Nick�s before telling me. Jane decided it was best to leave Nick in the dark and I for once agreed. He didn�t need to know that part of it. I wish I didn�t.  
  
  
  
I pulled away from Nick and placed my hand on his shoulders, �You look good�  
  
  
  
�You already said that, but thanks again�now I KNOW you�re lying�  
  
  
  
�Nick?� Lou spoke softly which didn�t go with his personality at all, I would have laughed if I didn�t know the reason. Nick was being pitied, even by Lou.  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�Do you think you�re up to singing and working today? If not we can always do things and then catch you up on what you missed�  
  
  
  
�No�I�m here because I�m ready to be here, so let�s do this okay?� Everyone nodded.  
  
  
  
There was a brief meeting at that moment but I couldn�t tell you a thing that was said because all my attention was focused on Nick. He had his head down for most of it, pretending to take notes or listen intently. I knew he was doing neither of those things. He glanced over at me when he sensed me watching him and I didn�t turn away, just winked at him. He smiled back at me then quickly looked down again.  
  
  
  
The thing is I saw all of us doing the same thing, we were watching Nick as if he was a brand new toy that no one had ever seen before. Kevin especially kept glancing over at him and nodding.  
  
  
  
Poor kid, I felt bad for him. How was he supposed to feel normal if we were all acting like he was some rare porcelain doll ready to crack at any moment?  
  
  
  
�I�ll leave you guys alone then� All of us looked up at Lou as he exited to leave along with the other people who were involved in the meeting, none of which I even attended in mind.  
  
  
  
Once the doors closed we all kind of looked around the table, �So should we try warming up our voices?� Nick asked, I could tell he was a little annoyed with the way the four of us were acting.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�Nicky�.that�s a great idea� He stood up, �Well? Let�s go to the piano�  
  
  
  
We all followed him.  
  
  
  
�I love this piano, I wish I knew how to play� Kevin took a seat at the huge see through grand as we all sat on stools around it. �Maybe I�ll teach you lil man�  
  
  
  
�I�d like that�  
  
  
  
He bowed his head and closed his eyes as Kevin began playing scales for us to warm up. While his head was down we were all staring at him, now I was looking at his bandana trying to see his hair. He lifted his head and saw me and grimaced, �Okay look!� Kevin stopped playing.  
  
  
  
�Stop treating me like I am some freak show okay?�  
  
  
  
�Nicky we don�t think��  
  
  
  
�Yes you do Howie�you all do! You all think I�m some freakish kid with the scars who went through so much. I see that look! I KNOW that look. You know how? Because I am given that look every friggin day of my life so you stop! My family I can take, my neighbors hell even the press but YOU? NO I can�t handle it if you guys think I�m a freak show!�  
  
  
  
There was silence as we saw tears start to stream down his face, �I�m not a freak show� He whispered.  
  
  
  
I placed my arms around him, since he was sitting right next to me, �I know you aren�t Nick. We know you aren�t�  
  
  
  
�Then stop looking at me like that. It�s because of the hair isn�t it?� He finally asked putting his head down.  
  
  
  
The hair.  
  
  
  
One night after I got off the phone with Nick, AJ had called me. He sounded very upset about something and I thought it was something small like a stupid fight with a girl. Little did I know that the days of being upset about something stupid were over for us.  
  
  
  
 _�Rok I just came back from seeing Nick�  
  
  
  
�I know he told me you were there earlier, I just got off the phone with him and��  
  
  
  
�Did he tell you about the nightmares?�  
  
  
  
�No...What nightmares?�  
  
  
  
�He wouldn�t say�just that�� The way AJ was pausing was making me very uneasy. I had just spoken to Nick and he sounded fine. Stop playing with my emotions is what I wanted to scream into the phone. Just hang up on AJ and leave it at that.  
  
  
  
�What AJ?�  
  
  
  
�He�s been pulling his hair out at night�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�When he sleeps, he wakes up with his hair in his hands, huge clumps of it. He didn�t tell me, his mom did. She said it happens mostly at night while he sleeps but sometimes she has seen him tugging at his hair during the day. I wouldn�t have even noticed if his hat hadn�t fallen off�  
  
  
  
�He�s ripping his hair out of his head?� I was unbelieving it even as I was hearing it.  
  
  
  
�Yes, he begged me not to tell anyone but Rok�I had to�  
  
  
  
I put my hand to my mouth to stifle a sigh or a scream, wasn�t sure which one, all I know is I was disturbed. Incredibly disturbed._  
  
  
  
Right after I got off the phone with AJ, I went to dial Nick�s number again and stopped myself. What was I going to say about it? I mean�wasn�t I having horrible dreams of my own in which I actually had condemned an innocent man to take the blame for what the real monster had done to us. How was I going to confront this?  
  
  
  
So I didn�t. Plain and simple I did nothing, even pretended I hadn�t heard about it.  
  
  
  
Until now, he had brought it out, not me or AJ. Even though AJ had managed to tell us all, it was Kevin who was taking it the hardest; even harder than I had.  
  
  
  
�What are you talking about Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Don�t play stupid Brian� I know AJ told you about this, he can�t keep his mouth shut. I see you all looking at the bandana. I know you want to see it�  
  
  
  
�Nick�it�s okay� I tried to console him but it was too late, he ripped the bandana off his head and when we saw what was underneath we all gasped. His hair was missing in blotches. Part of it was bald and red; you can tell it had been bleeding and scabby.  
  
  
  
�I�m a freak okay? You think you can deal with me being a freak?�  
  
  
  
�You are not a freak Nick! Do you understand me? So stop calling yourself a freak!� Kevin walked over to Nick and grabbed him in a hug. �I can�t stop doing it, I�ve tried but no matter how many times I try, I can�t do it...it�s like if I rip it all out the hurt will go away�  
  
  
  
I glanced over at Howie who had his head down; he looked like he wanted to throw up. AJ was staring blankly and all I could do was shift my eyes from one to the other.  
  
  
  
�Let�s maybe go outside for some fresh air� I suggested when the crying finally quieted down and Kevin had picked up the bandana and handed it back over to Nick.  
  
  
  
�We�ll go outside maybe play some basketball and then come back in and try again. What do you say?�  
  
  
  
Nick nodded finally as he wrapped the bandana around his head once again.  
  
  
  
�Sorry about that� He whispered trying his hardest to smile.  
  
  
  
�No need to be sorry� I said smiling at him and grabbing his chin in my hand, �Okay?� He nodded.  
  
  
  
�So we are playing basketball then?� We all nodded at Nick.  
  
  
  
�Good� I haven�t played in a really long time�  
  
  
  
�Me either� It had been a long time since I played the game. At home Harold tried to coax me out of the house with a basketball more than once but every time I refused. We were playing basketball before it happened. We were actually having a good time.  
  
  
  
�What about me Brian and Howie against Kevin and AJ?�  
  
  
  
�Sounds good� Kevin answered grabbing the ball and heading out the door.  
  
  
  
I pat Nick on the back, �You sure you�re up to this?�  
  
  
  
�I�m not sure if I�m up to anything anymore Bri�but I gotta try you know what I�m saying?� I nodded at him.  
  
  
  
�Let�s forget about things for a little bit and play some basketball�  
  
  
  
That sounded like a great idea so that�s what we did. Work could wait for a little while.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	21. Chapter 21

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**21  
  
  
  
By My Side**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
We played basketball for about 45 minutes or so, laughing and actually having a good time in the hot Florida sun. I would pass the ball to Nick and smile as he made a shot, some would go in but some wouldn�t.  
  
  
  
We took a small break to drink some water and I sat beside him as the others continued to throw the ball at each other. �This almost feels normal doesn�t it?� He asked me after a few moments of silence, �I mean us out here playing�like we always used to do. It feels normal�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him as Howie shockingly made a basket, �You go D!� I yelled and he bowed which caused us both to laugh. �I�m sorry for losing it in there before. I didn�t mean to�  
  
  
  
�Nick please don�t apologize�its okay�  
  
  
  
�I can tell I freaked everyone out, did they know about the hair? I mean I know you did�I figured you did but AJ did tell everyone didn�t he?� I laughed and looked at him baffled, �What do you think Nick? We are talking about Bone right?�  
  
  
  
�I�ve been wearing mittens at night to try to stop� I wanted to walk away from this conversation, but how would I do that exactly? Walk away from the baby brother I loved so much?  
  
  
  
�Does it work?�  
  
  
  
�A little�I mean I still do it but not as much at night now�  
  
  
  
�You do it when you�re awake too?� I don�t know why I asked him that. I knew he did and by asking him that I was giving him permission to tell me why. I know I probably sound like some selfish jerk about this, but it�s not that at all. I didn�t want him to tell me why because the answer would have hurt too much. Seeing Nick hurt made me hurt. It made us all hurt, but it made me hurt most.  
  
  
  
I loved the kid with all my heart. When he was little, I was almost fascinated with him, something about him being so much younger and looking up to me that just pulled at my heart. Kevin and I would have these intense conversations about Nick when I first joined the band. I didn�t understand why he was so bothered by the youngest member of our group. Why everything Nick did annoyed him so much but then again, Nick didn�t idolize Kevin, he idolized me.  
  
  
  
It�s easy to overlook childish pranks and temper tantrums when you know you can do nothing wrong in somebody�s eyes.  
  
  
  
I loved that little kid and even as he bypassed me in size, that never went away. Of course maybe his putting me on a pedestal went away a little bit, now giving us all time up there, but even so I didn�t care.  
  
  
  
I glanced over at him as he looked down at his shoes. �I do it when I�m awake more then when I�m sleeping� I placed my hand on his back which promptly brought Kevin over to see if everything was alright.  
  
  
  
Kevin everyone�s Knight in shining armor�in his mind anyway.  
  
  
  
�You okay lil man?� He looked up and smiled, �Yeah I�m fine just resting�  
  
  
  
�What about you? You okay?� I nodded.  
  
  
  
�Well if anyone needs me I�ll be over there� He pointed to the small bench under a tree.  
  
  
  
�Thanks� I said rolling my eyes at him as he walked away. My cousin was too much sometimes, but I loved him for it.  
  
  
  
�I should have stopped him Rok�I should have been able to stop him�  
  
  
  
�Come on�let�s go play some more� I said standing up and giving him the ball, �You did what you could�now we move onto the next chapter and survive� I held my hand out for him to grab which he did.  
  
  
  
We went and played for another 30 minutes or so, Lou not even coming out and yelling at us about keeping to schedules or money or anything.  
  
  
  
Basketball is the greatest stress reliever there is, I have said it a thousand times and it�s the truth because by the time we got back into the rehearsal room I know I felt better.  
  
  
  
Nick seemed a bit happier too, thank God.  
  
  
  
We sat at the piano in the same positions we had vacated earlier, with Kevin playing some scales for us to warm up. It had been a long time since I had heard Nick sing. When I finally did, I noticed his voice was weak, not as powerful as it usually was. I once again saw all the boys looking in his direction probably noticing the same thing I did. It was just nice hearing that voice again. There was a while there that I didn�t think I�d ever hear him again.  
  
  
  
It was weird thinking about how we almost lost him. We really did come so close to that happening, thank God he was stronger than that.  
  
  
  
Thank God we both were.  
  
  
  
I know I seldom take the time to remember that I was a victim in all of this too. At least I try to focus my energy on Nick, hurt and fragile, going through so much. It was easier to think of Nick as a victim than myself as one.  
  
  
  
I was one though, and just like Nick, I had survived. Kevin always tells me to try to remember that when I am down, that I have survived so much, I can add this to my list; that all of these hardships define me as a person and make us stronger. This made us all stronger.  
  
  
  
It�s getting easier for me to not get angry at him when he says stuff like that mainly because I have come to accept that in a way, Howie, Kevin and AJ were victims as well. So were our parents and families. All victims to some nameless, faceless man who most likely would always remain that way.  
  
  
  
�That sounded great Nick� I glanced over at AJ and smiled at him.  
  
  
  
�No it didn�t, I suck�I�m out of practice. Sorry guys�  
  
  
  
�We are all a bit out of practice kiddo�it�s like riding a bike we�ll be back to ourselves in no time�  
  
  
  
�What are we going to sing?� I asked trying to actually focus on what we were doing, instead of continually drifting away on a cloud of my own thoughts.  
  
  
  
�What about the one we were working on Nick?�  
  
  
  
�By My Side?� Kevin nodded. I admit the first time I heard the chorus I was in a state of shock that something this beautiful could come from Nick. I mean I know that Kevin wrote most of it but even still, the chorus which was mainly Nick�s doing was hauntingly beautiful.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know Kev��  
  
  
  
�I think that�s a perfect one to do Nicky�  
  
  
  
He put his head down, �It just reminds me of things�  
  
  
  
Right then I understood�  
  
  
  
 _�Come on Kev�!�  
  
  
  
�Brian sometimes I am amazed at your immaturity!�  
  
  
  
I pouted which cracked Nick up as he sat on the floor with paper and pencils scattered everywhere.  
  
  
  
�Let Nicky come out and play�  
  
  
  
�But we�re almost done Brian can�t you wait for like a half hour? Go bug AJ�  
  
  
  
�This is so cool! I feel like I�m watching Kevin yell at me� Both Kevin and I laughed because that was so true. Usually Kevin saved those lines for Nick seldom using them on me.  
  
  
  
�Kev�I think we should change some of these words�  
  
  
  
Now Kevin sat back down on the floor next to Nick, I was surprised that he wasn�t ready to jump up and run out of the room but I bet writing with Kevin made him feel important. Whenever anyone treated Nick like anything other than a child he basked in it.  
  
  
  
�Come on!! Nick I want to play a video game!�  
  
  
  
That got his attention he looked up which actually made Kevin scowl. HA! I was winning this little power struggle. Go me!  
  
  
  
�And then I was thinking maybe some basketball? What do you say?�  
  
  
  
He pondered his choices and I could actually feel his brain working for him, I knew he was going to want to come with me, �Kev do you mind if we finish this later?�  
  
  
  
Kevin rolled his eyes, �NO�I guess we can do it when you are done with your little play date�  
  
  
  
�YAY!� I said purposely trying to agitate my cousin�like I had to try too hard to do that.  
  
  
  
�I mean it�s not like this song is going to go away in the meantime right Kev?�  
  
  
  
�Don�t worry Nick; I won�t fire you from being my co-writer. Go have fun I want to call home anyway. I�ll see you guys later!�  
  
  
  
As we walked out the door and towards Nick�s room he pat me on the back, �Thanks for getting me out of there�  
  
  
  
I laughed knowing that he really wasn�t all that happy about the interruption and that he actually liked bonding with my older cousin but I played along anyway, �No problem�I know what a bore Kevin can be sometimes�  
  
  
  
�Sometimes?� We both laughed at Kevin�s expense as we made our way to Nick�s room to play a video game, unaware that only a few hours later our lives would forever change. _  
  
  
  
Kevin ended up finishing By My Side himself, crying as he did. Maybe that was his own form of therapy. Finishing off this song, whatever the case it still is one of my favorites. Even though we decided not to do much with it. It was too personal.  
  
  
  
�But Nick it�s such a beautiful song, I really want us to try it�  
  
  
  
After sitting in silence which felt like forever, Nick finally nodded, �Okay let�s do it�  
  
  
  
�Good�  
  
  
  
When Kevin started playing the piano I was overcome with emotion, I think we all were. As we sang, each word became so significant. I know when it was first written it was some little love song but now the layers hidden underneath were the ones that rose in volume.  
  
  
  
Talk of memories fading, questions left unanswered but most importantly friendships that would never go away.  
  
  
  
I was overcome with emotion when Nick started to sing his verse, as I thought about all of the things that had happened to us and how with each other�s support we made it through.  
  
  
  
As we raised our voices in harmony I thanked God for giving us the courage and faith to make it out of this. We all needed each other and our bond is what helped us make it...  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I sat back in my chair now that my story was out in the open. It had been so long since I had told anyone about this. We had buried it after it happened. It was one of those unspoken memories that would send shivers down your spine at the weirdest of moments.  
  
  
  
�Wow Brian�I don�t exactly know what to even say to all of that� I looked over at my wife afraid to make eye contact. I was too embarrassed to have kept this story from her for so long.  
  
  
  
�How come you never told me?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t like to think about it�  
  
  
  
�I don�t blame you but honey�we never keep things from each other remember?�  
  
  
  
�I know, I�m sorry�I really am�  
  
  
  
�No, I�m the one that�s sorry� Leigh said walking over to me and grabbing me in a hug. �No one should have had to go through something like that�  
  
  
  
�I know�  
  
  
  
�It explains so much about the way Nick is�everything makes sense now you know? How jittery and unwilling to trust people he is�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�  
  
  
  
�So you have everything packed for your trip sweetheart? I�m so sorry I can�t come with you�  
  
  
  
I kissed my wife softly on the lips, �So am I�  
  
  
  
�Especially after what you just shared with me, I�m kind of worried about you now�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry baby; I didn�t mean to make you worry...� Now was the clincher, why I was telling this story in the first place, why after so many years I had brought it back to life. �It�s just that�� I placed my hand in my pocket and showed her what had me so alarmed in the first place. She looked confused at first before I saw the dawn of comprehension on her face. �He still does that?� She asked grabbing the ball of Nick�s hair out of my hand and staring at it.  
  
  
  
�No he hasn�t done it in years but for the last few nights he�s been pulling his hair out again�  
  
  
  
�Why now?�  
  
  
  
I didn�t want to think about the answer to that. I really didn�t, because the guy who did this was never found. He would always be right around the corner watching and waiting as far as I was concerned.  
  
  
  
He could be watching us even now.  
  
  
  
Just waiting to get us back, waiting for the perfect opportunity...  
  
  
  
�Philly?� I nodded at her.  
  
  
  
We were going back to Philadelphia, a place we had tried to avoid as much as possible. Going back after five long years�  
  
  
 **  
  
  
  
  
  
**


	22. Chapter 22

  
  
  
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**22  
  
  
  
Nicky**

  
  
  
  
  
  
The ride to the airport was a silent one. As silent as any ride I had ever taken as one of the Backstreet Boys. The tension was thick in the air, but yet no one said a word. I clung onto my wife�s hand as if only it were separating me from a crevice ready to swallow me whole. Kevin sat next to us staring out the window occasionally stopping his gaze long enough to bite his nails.  
  
  
  
AJ and Sarah sat in the seats ahead of us, Sarah resting her head on AJ�s shoulders as he tried to smoke, careful to blow the smoke away from her face and instead hitting Howie who in turn made a disgusted face and an overly exaggerated cough.  
  
  
  
It was Nick�s silence that was the hardest to handle because in that silence I heard his worries, fears and anxieties about this trip. When our management told us we were heading off to Philadelphia for the Black and Blue tour we all just kind of looked at each other as if he had said we were sinking down into the lower depths of hell.  
  
  
  
We avoided Philly as much as possible. We managed to get around doing shows in Philadelphia on the Into the Millennium tour by playing around other parts of Pennsylvania instead. It was pretty easy to avoid because after we eventually dumped Lou and all the trash that went along with him, Denise was left to manage us and she would not let us go anywhere near that place.  
  
  
  
Unfortunately when we underwent a huge management shift, we had two choices either bring the past back to life or just pretend that nothing happened and whenever you are asked to do anything in Philly, let one of the other guys handle it just not me or Nick. That was easy enough. We didn�t think about how it would affect the tour.  
  
  
  
After what had felt like hours of looking at each other, the guy helping us plan our little tour grew impatient and demanded to know what was wrong. It was Kevin who spoke first, �We don�t do Philly� He said it in his I have the final word voice. The one that was usually so effective.  
  
  
  
�You don�t do Philly?� The guy almost mocked him which of course made Kevin mad. �Look you don�t understand just trust me, we aren�t doing a show there!�  
  
  
  
�Well since I don�t understand, why don�t you explain it to me?�  
  
  
  
�There�s nothing to explain� Nick said; his own way of letting Kevin know he wanted his secret kept just that�a secret. As if to make double sure Kevin then glanced in my direction and I nodded at him. I wasn�t ready for this all to come up again especially not to these people.  
  
  
  
�Well?� Brandon looked over at us, you could tell he wanted to throw his hands up in the air and be done with us and our stupid demands and needs. If only he knew.  
  
  
  
�It�s just something we can�t do�  
  
  
  
�Do you want to explain that to all of your fans? Or better yet your record company?�  
  
  
  
Jive knew all about what had happened to us but like ever other big soulless corporation they really didn�t much care. To them enough time had gone by and we had run out of excuses for avoiding our demons. �So I guess that means no� you don�t want to let your fans down right?� Then he turned to me as if deep down he knew the whole story, �Right?�  
  
  
  
Before I could come up with something to say, something that would get us out of the situation, Nick beat me to it, �It�s okay�we�ll go to Philly that�s fine� I felt my heart skip a beat, I turned to him in disbelief, �What?�  
  
  
  
He felt bad; I could see it on his face. �Is it okay Brian?�  
  
  
  
Was it okay? I really didn�t think it was okay but if he was willing to do it then how could I say no. �Yeah, it�s okay�  
  
  
  
Brandon shook his head, �Well glad that issue is settled, I�ll pencil it in then� When he left the room we all stood there in silence, much like how it was in the car on the ride to the airport. No one wanted to question our decision but yet you could tell they were doing just that in their heads.  
  
  
  
�It�ll be okay� I heard myself suddenly say aloud. Leigh held my hand tighter as Kevin glanced over at me.  
  
  
  
He nodded before turning his attention back to the window. It was so weird how we didn�t talk about it anymore. I remember a few months after our reunion in Lou�s office, Kevin walked up to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, �Brian�I was talking to Jane earlier about Nick�s therapy and she suggested we don�t bring up what happened in front of him anymore�  
  
  
  
My therapist had told me the opposite; always let my feelings out when I needed to. Don�t be afraid of emotion or expressing my feelings. I have a feeling that it was really Jane saying those things and not Nick�s therapist. I�m sure it was getting hard for her to deal with being around a gloomy Nick all day, crying, pulling his hair out wishing he were dead.  
  
  
  
She gradually took herself out of his life which I thought was horrible. Sometimes it�s easier to walk away then to watch someone in pain.  
  
  
  
�How do you think Nick will feel about that?�  
  
�We�re not going to tell him, we just are going to try our best to keep him happy and not go back to that day ever again�  
  
  
  
�Happy is good� I said wanting to believe that more than anything. I was doing okay on my end, the dreams stopped and I was starting to feel happy again at that time. I knew I had a long road ahead of me but for the first time, I felt like I was going to make it.  
  
  
  
So we stopped talking about it from that day on, and eventually it just kind of went away.  
  
  
  
I know it wasn�t the best way to handle the situation but for us it seemed like the only way.  
  
  
  
Until now�  
  
  
  
I shifted my legs for the tenth time as we stopped at a toll booth. �You okay?� I glanced over at Howie and nodded. He had this look on his face that kind of resembled a grimace and I could tell it was just as hard for them to go back there as it was for Nick and me. It was actually Howie that would always volunteer to make that trip to Philadelphia on behalf of the boys. I could tell he never wanted to do it but he would insist. �Let me go, I can handle it� And as pushy and bossy as my cousin is, he never once argued with D about going ever. He would just nod and be done with it.  
  
  
  
Howie�s own family would never let him go alone though, his older brother almost always accompanied him there as well as no less than three bodyguards.  
  
  
  
Once again I felt Leigh�s hand tighten in my own. I felt absolutely horrible for not telling her about this sooner. I almost told her on our wedding night of all places. As we lay there in each other�s arms, naked under the down comforter. I almost blurted out what had happened to me, but I stopped myself thinking it wasn�t the right time.  
  
  
  
Never was the right time.  
  
  
  
�You don�t have to go you know� She whispered into my ear. Kevin glanced over at us when he heard that.  
  
  
  
�Yes I do baby but it�ll be alright� I looked over at Kevin and smiled. He nodded back at me in complete understanding. �I see you finally told her the story� shining in his eyes.  
  
  
  
As we stood at the gate saying our goodbyes she once again grabbed me in a hug and whispered, �Make you sure you call me every night�  
  
  
  
�I will only be there for three days but I will I promise�  
  
  
  
Then she let go of my hand and off we went, back to where this awful story began.  
  
  
  
On the plane ride I made sure to sit next to Nick who was still very quiet, playing with a little eight ball keychain that a fan had given him at the airport right before we left.  
  
  
  
�How you holding up?� I finally asked after the fasten seatbelt sign blinked off and we were firmly on our way.  
  
  
  
He shrugged at me and shook the ball, �How about you?�  
  
  
  
�I told her� He seemed surprised, his eyes opening wide slightly before turning his attention back to the ball. I thought it was funny that he kept shaking it but when it came time to read what it had to say he wouldn�t. He would just shake it up again. �You know I think you don�t fully grasp the whole concept of the Magic 8 Ball� I joked hoping to at least get a small smirk from my friend.  
  
  
  
�I know how it works�just not sure I want to know what�s going to happen� He said shaking it up again and then placing it back in his pocket. All I could do was place a hand on his shoulder, �Everything will be okay Nicky�  
  
  
  
I seldom called him Nicky anymore. None of us did�well except for Howie. But at times like this, there was still that little kid lurking inside this almost 21 year old man. Vulnerable and in need of his big brother�s protection. When he was young he used to pretend he hated our watchful eyes but I knew it was all an act.  
  
  
  
Truth is he loved having people there to look out for him and today he needed that. He needed to be Nicky.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know if I can do this Brian� He looked towards me and he looked lost. I felt a shiver run down my spine as I was once again face to face with the Nick from five years ago.  
  
  
  
�We�ll get you through it every step of the way. Besides I am staying with you in your hotel room�  
  
  
  
�Don�t be silly�  
  
  
  
�No, seriously. I don�t really like the idea of having a room to myself anyway so I figured we could bunk you know like old times� I playfully leaned against him pushing him slightly and he nodded and smiled. Truth was I didn�t want to be alone anymore than he did.  
  
  
  
�How are my little men?� Kevin said peaking over his chair from behind us and squeezing both Nick and my shoulder�s.  
  
  
  
�Since when did I become one of your little men?�  
  
  
  
�Aww well you are kind of short Bri�� I turned around to AJ, �Like you have any room to talk about that!�  
  
  
  
�Hey at least I�m taller than you� It was fun arguing about nothing� even though I realized why we were doing that. It was crystal clear that AJ and Kevin heard our conversation. It was all about distraction, keeping our mind off of what was happening. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn�t. Looking over at Nick who was laughing about something that AJ was whispering in his ear, I could see that their mission was accomplished; for him at least.  
  
  
  
I was a nervous wreck; I wasn�t ashamed to admit it either. Of course when Leigh had asked if I was going to be okay I said yes because if she knew how scared I was about this trip she would have never let me go.  
  
  
  
I couldn�t even tell my parents I was going back there. When my dad called I lied and said we were going to New York. Why worry their heads over this? After all everything would be fine. It was just a place where old memories lived. Of course those memories were lethal but still that�s all they were, memories.  
  
  
  
Memories couldn�t hurt you right? Right?  
  
  
  
The ding of the fasten seatbelts sign made me jump a little. Nick looked over and took a deep breath, �We�re here already�  
  
  
  
�I know� We both just stared at each other for a minute. It was the same kind of glance you see in movies as people realize they are crash landing. A calm stare as everyone around you is falling out of their seats and screaming. Oxygen masks falling and luggage being tossed around.  
  
  
  
The only crash we encountered was the bump on the runway as the wheels touched the wet Pennsylvania ground.  
  
  
 ****


	23. Chapter 23

  
  


**23  
  
  
  
Stormy Weather**

  
  
  
  
As we walked off the plane and down to the baggage claim, I tried my best to slow my pace to Nick�s who was almost dragging his feet as he walked, his head hung down low as if he had to concentrate on every single step he took.  
  
  
  
�It�s raining, seems perfect doesn�t it?� He asked in a joking manner.  
  
  
  
�Yeah,� Was all I could muster up as an answer. He was right though. The dismal weather did seem almost perfect for how we were feeling. The rain was coming down so hard that it sounded like gremlins tap dancing on the roof of the airport. A cascade of water was flowing down the windows like a waterfall.  
  
  
  
The sky was gray and dark, even though it was the middle of the morning.  
  
  
  
My eyes were drawn from the window to a few people gathered by the baggage claim to greet us. They were holding up huge signs for us, jumping up and down eager to get our attention.  
  
  
  
�How do they always know?� I thought I heard Kevin mutter under his breath.  
  
  
  
�I really didn�t want anyone to know we were here.� Nick whispered into my ear. I noticed that ever since boarding the plane we were never more than an arm length apart. I think if it were up to Kevin we would have all been holding hands. His glances at security and then to us were making me so uneasy. Those looks told me he was sure we would be in danger and that we were anything but safe.  
  
  
  
I suddenly felt myself look up at the ever increasing crowd of screaming girls. It seemed in the time we got off the escalators to getting up close to the carousel they had multiplied. What if he was in the crowd? What if he was here silently watching and observing, waiting to get one of us alone.  
  
  
  
I searched the crowd looking for a male, any male who might look suspicious. As the years went by his real face disappeared in my mind, not that I ever had a clear picture of what he looked like to begin with but even so, I looked�just in case.  
  
  
  
�We should go sign you think?� One of our management guys nodded and Howie then turned towards Nick and me, �We are going to go sign some autographs�you guys can stay here if you want.�  
  
  
  
�No, we should go do that too. It�ll look bad if we just�yeah let�s go sign Bri,� Nick said as if talking to himself more than me.  
  
  
  
I nodded to him and we made our way over to the fans whose screams doubled in volume with every step closer we got.  
  
  
  
I have never been a fan of the clawing and screaming fan. I know it�s awful to say that and don�t get me wrong, I am really grateful for our fans. I love them with all my heart but when we are at airports or just getting into a hotel, I don�t feel like getting all smiley and friendly. Especially when they scream at me. Lou used to pull me aside way back in the early days and tell me not to wince when they screamed. _They are your meal ticket Littrell don�t act like you are afraid of them!_ It wasn�t that I was afraid it�s just that it was too�.well�just weird I guess.  
  
  
  
So, I skirt past them whenever I have the chance. Opting to go back to my room and be me for a little while longer. It�s something that has always gotten me in trouble with people.  
  
  
  
I looked over at Nick as he held a pen and smiled signing his name on picture after picture of himself. He never let on how much he hated it or how terrified he was. He was terrified though, completely. And me? Well I was wincing again; old habits die hard I guess.  
  
  
  
After about fifteen minutes of signing and taking pictures, our security decided it was time for us to leave. I walked over to Nick and placed a hand on his shoulder, �You all right?� He nodded and took a deep breath.  
  
  
  
Meeting the fans was just hard for him nowadays. Just another thing taken away from him by that sick bastard all those years ago. It�s not that he feared the fans would hurt him; it�s that he feared that they would figure it all out if they got too close, really looked in his eyes and saw what lay behind them. Saw the fear and doubt, the constant fright that lived there always on the verge of popping out but yet always sucked back in.  
  
  
  
I knew all about that fear because it lived in me as well.  
  
  
  
�Let�s go guys, we have a quick meeting with our sponsors then it�s off to your hotel for some R&R.�  
  
  
  
Nick and I both looked at each other and despite how we were feeling we couldn�t help but laugh at the irony. Rest and relaxation were two words we never heard often. Figured that here of all places we�d have some down time.  
  
  
  
Life really isn�t fair.  
  
  
  
�Wow it�s storming like a bitch in heat out there!�  
  
  
  
�Huh? AJ sometimes I think you just say things to hear the sound of your own voice.�  
  
  
  
�He does.� We laughed at Howie�s quick comeback.  
  
�I don�t like thunderstorms.�  
  
  
  
I put my hand on Nick once again, still only an arm�s length away from me, �I know Nick�you never have.�  
  
  
  
�Wow it�s really bad out there,� Kevin said opening his huge black umbrella preparing to make a run for the van. �Will our driver even be able to see in this stuff?�  
  
  
  
�It�s only water it won�t kill anyone.� I made up my mind on this trip that I did not like our management. They were impersonal, arrogant jerks.  
  
  
  
�Well, we better make a run for it then, I don�t plan on getting all soaked.� Kevin said as one of the security guards opened the door and thrust us out into the wet, cold weather. The van door slid open and we climbed in one at a time with me bringing up the rear. As I got in, something made me turn back towards the doorway we had just left behind. There was a dark silhouette of a man standing behind the doors. The rain was drowning out his face but yet I still got goose bumps. The way he was just standing there and watching us as we entered the van.  
  
  
  
�Move it Brian so I can close the damn door!� Gary, the jerk manager said as Kevin literally pulled me inside and slid the van doors closed.  
  
  
  
As I got settled in my seat I thought I would glance that way one more time, surely the figure standing by the door would be gone, but he wasn�t. He was still there staring out at us as we drove away. I saw his head turn to watch us leave.  
  
  
  
�What are you looking at?� I turned to Nick, feeling the butterflies hopping around inside my stomach, wanting more than anything to get out of the car and run. I was feeling uneasy and scared. Not that I wasn�t before but just watching that guy, something snapped in me.  
  
  
  
Was it him? The man who attacked us? Doubtful but still of course in my head it surely was. �Brian?�  
  
  
  
�What? I�m sorry what did you say?�  
  
  
  
�Are you okay?� He looked concerned as did my cousin who was flanking the other side of Nick.  
  
  
  
�I�m okay, sorry, I was just trying to think if I forgot to bring anything.�  
  
  
  
I could tell neither of them believed me but they didn�t say anything about my little lie. My heart was beating so fast in my chest that I had to take a few deep breaths to send it back to normal.  
  
  
  
Gary was rambling on and on about our agenda and our sponsors but I wasn�t listening. I was trying to picture what tonight would be like. How was I possibly going to make it through in a hotel room, here in this city from hell? I should have had Leigh come with me; I think she�s about the only person who could help me get through this.  
  
  
  
It was going to be unbearable.  
  
  
  
I glanced down at Nick�s hands which he was nervously clenching and unclenching into fists. I also noticed that even though Kevin was listening intently to what Gary was saying, he had his arm behind Nick�s back rubbing so no one could see.  
  
  
  
The rain was coming down in pellets; it was almost as bad as hail. That�s what it sounded like in the car. Thousands of small rocks banging against the door. Our driver suddenly stopped.  
  
  
  
�What� the holdup?� Gary asked peering at the front seat. The driver looked through his rearview mirror and answered, �Traffic is at a standstill. We aren�t going anywhere for a while it looks like.�  
  
  
  
�Great just fucking terrific!� Gary took out his cell phone and dialed whoever it was that we were supposed to meet. I guess I should have been paying more attention.  
  
  
  
I turned my back towards window and the water; I never really took notice of how water distorts your view on things. When you look at a picture through a glass of water it always looks different then when you look at the same picture completely dry.  
  
  
  
I noticed that in therapy.  
  
  
  
Sometimes when things got too intense I would stare at the fish tank that was in the corner of the room. She had a painting right behind the tank and things just looked so out of focus when you stared at certain parts of it. Faces would become oblong, and colors would lighten. Then if you moved your head a little to the left, everything would change. When my therapist saw me staring at the fish tank, she would realize that whatever we were talking about I wasn�t quite ready to reveal just yet.  
  
  
  
I spent many hours staring at that fish tank.  
  
  
  
As we sat in traffic I realized the same thing happened with the rain. Especially when it came down in torrents like it was now, the cars sitting next to us looked all out of focus. The people inside those cars just looked like shadows. The thunder clapping in the sky and the occasional glow of lightening further intensified those shadows.  
  
  
  
�Looks like we are moving again,� AJ said as he stretched his neck to see through the front window.  
  
  
  
�Yippee.� Nick said under his breath sarcastically. That made me smile, the old Nick, well I mean the young Nick making an appearance.  
  
  
  
�At this rate, we�ll be there next year!� Gary said, muffling the receiver so the person on the phone couldn�t hear.  
  
  
  
�Everyone is held up in traffic they�ll have to understand.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah? Well they don�t! They are positively annoyed with us!� Gary said hanging up the phone and directing his anger at our poor van driver. �Is there a way you can drive on the shoulder or something? The people we have to meet can not afford to wait all day for us.�  
  
  
  
�It�s too dangerous, sorry.� He said shrugging at our manager with a small smirk on his face.  
  
  
  
I focused my attention once more on Nick who was now shaking his leg, the same way he used to as a kid. I remember how much that used to get on Kevin�s nerves. He would threaten to super glue his leg in place. Kevin noticed it as well, �How are you holding up buddy?� He whispered.  
  
  
  
�Okay I guess,� but I knew he was lying.  
  
  
  
�Why is everyone asking him if he�s all right? Is there something going on?� Gary asked, you could tell he was in a mood.  
  
  
  
�No, just having a bad day.� Kevin said thinking quickly as he continued to rub Nick�s back.  
  
  
  
Gary turned his attention to the front of the van again, �Aren�t we all?� He muttered sarcastically.  
  
  
  
That�s when it hit suddenly. It felt like an earthquake when it did. We were all thrown forward; I hit my head on the seat in front of me and Nick ended up almost on my lap. There was some screaming and a lot of cursing before I realized what had happened. Someone had hit us from behind.  
  
  
  
�Is everyone okay?� Kevin asked frantically pulling Nick back to a sitting position and then glancing over at me and my head. �You guys okay?� He asked us both and I nodded but Nick said nothing.  
  
  
  
�Howie, AJ?�  
  
  
  
�We�re fine.� They both answered.  
  
  
  
�Good.�  
  
  
  
�Great this is just fucking great!� Gary said, now getting out of the car with umbrella to survey the damage. I looked back over at Nick, he looked fine but pale. Very pale.  
  
  
  
�Nick, are you okay?� I asked once again placing my hand on his shoulder. He turned towards me with a tear running down his face, yet he said nothing.  
  
  
  
�Rok you�re bleeding!� AJ exclaimed just as I noticed the first trickle of blood fall onto my shirt. I looked at Nick who just did nothing but stare as the blood continued to run. I noticed he had a small bruise forming on his forehead.  
  
  
  
Kevin leaned over Nick and handed me a handkerchief, �Keep this on your head until the ambulance gets here.� I nodded and placed pressure onto the cut that was really starting to burn now.  
  
  
  
�No ambulance.� Nick whispered as he looked straight ahead.  
  
  
  
�Nick we need to get Brian checked out and it looks like you got a nasty bump on your head.�  
  
  
  
�You do too Kev.� Howie said pointing to Kevin�s head which was also slowly turning a deep shade of black and blue.  
  
  
  
�Great�just terrific!� He muttered looking at himself in the front mirror.  
  
  
  
I turned my attention back to Nick just as he said something that in the back of my mind I was thinking, �I don�t want to go back to the hospital.�  
  
  
  
It was too late though, I saw the flashes of red lights coming towards us. The rain distorting them, making them look like red demons flying through the sky.  
  
  
  
There was no going back now.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	24. Chapter 24

**24  
  
  
  
Fears**

  
  
  
  
  
  
There are certain fears everyone clings to as children and while most of them dissipate over the years some only stay and intensify. Most of those fears are silly, like gremlins under the bed, nipping at your toes. I remember laughing at Nick when he said that in some interview a long time ago. After that was over I asked him if he was for real. He smiled at me and shook his head, �No way! But I bet when the girls hear it they will ooh and aah.�  
  
  
  
�Like you need any more of them oohing and aahing over you kid!� AJ had said in disgust but I couldn�t do anything but laugh, because that was always one of my fears. Growing up I�d have not only my mother come and check under my bed every night but also my father and my brother. If there was anything scary living under there I wanted to be sure they got eaten first. Of course if anything were to venture out from under my bed and even try to eat my mother they�d have me to deal with.  
  
  
  
Gremlins, they were an irrational fear, one that I still get made fun of over family get togethers and parties, but at least Nick does too which is even funnier because he was never afraid of them to begin with.  
  
  
  
Then, there are the more intense fears; those aren�t quite so silly. For me it was the sounds of sirens. When I was small and a siren would pass us by with those blinking lights I would cover my ears and cry. The sound just went through me, like a monster screaming at the top of his lungs.  
  
  
  
I know there was more to it than that. I know that maybe I was rushed in one too many of those ambulances as a child. Hearing them racing towards my house, barely able to breath while my mother and father would frantically pace. I knew that monster was coming for me as the red lights would illuminate my entire street. There was nothing I could do about it. It�s not like I was in any condition to run away or even hide.  
  
  
  
Sirens always reminded me of death, and as they approached us on the small road right beside the airport I felt like that frightened child again. Nick had his hand on my arm, squeezing as the cars in the ambulances path tried moving out of the way as it approached.  
  
  
  
I looked over at him and smiled, �It�ll be okay Nick, and I won�t leave your side the whole time.�  
  
  
  
�Why do we need an ambulance? Can�t we just go to a doctor�s office?�  
  
  
  
�Because you are stars and you were in an accident and there�s no way I am making you go to a doctor�s office and sit in a waiting room for hours when an ambulance will have you in and out of a hospital in no time.� Gary cut in, still holding the phone to his ear.  
  
  
  
I placed the handkerchief that I held in my hand back up to my head because I felt more droplets of blood fall onto my collar. I was going to need stitches, of that I was sure. Nick looked over and winced, �Your head is bleeding really badly Brian, you feel okay?� I nodded at him.  
  
  
  
�You�re not looking too hot either Nick.� And he wasn�t. His forehead was bruised and his eyes glassy.  
  
  
  
The sirens were really loud and the red lights almost blinding. I had forgotten it was raining until Howie walked over to us and held an umbrella over our heads, �Why don�t the two of you wait in the car? You don�t need to catch pneumonia on top of everything else.� Funny that I don�t recall getting out of the car at all. Maybe this was some kind of dream?  
  
  
  
�Was anyone in the other car hurt?� That was a good question, I had forgotten all about the other car. That�s when my most recent fear crept up inside of me making me want to turn around and head back towards the safety of our car.  
  
  
  
The fear of being followed was a new one for me. It kind of just sprang up about a year or so ago. I was walking all alone in my backyard of all places when I felt like someone was watching me from behind. I turned and saw nothing, but I still felt him there.  
  
  
  
I actually fell running into the house which brought Leighanne out looking terrified that I had collapsed or something. I didn�t tell her about what brought me to the ground; I didn�t want to scare her. But I found myself looking out our kitchen window into that yard, just to make sure that it was my imagination.  
  
  
  
It hit me quite a few times after that, whether we would be driving in the car, or rehearsing for this upcoming tour, I always felt myself looking back, feeling someone�s eyes glaring into the back of my head.  
  
  
  
The ambulance had now come to a full stop right behind the car that hit us. There were two people off to the side, one holding their hands to their head and the other just staring at the damage. They looked to be in their mid forties, possibly older. With the rain coming down as hard as it was, it was kind of hard to tell. They looked fine though, fine and not maniacal. That was a relief.  
  
  
  
Two paramedics made their way over to us, escorted by Gary and one of our security guards. People were gradually opening their car doors to check out what was going on. Probably hoping for some fatalities or maybe a car explosion. Give them some drama at least if we are holding up traffic. Isn�t that the way people were these days? It was sad, but true.  
  
  
  
�They�re right here, there are three of them. One is bleeding from his head, and the other two are bruising.�  
  
  
  
Kevin came out of the car when he saw the paramedics with their bags in hand. He glanced over at us both before walking up to where we were and once again putting his hand on Nick�s back. �It�s going to be okay guys, I promise you.�  
  
  
  
As they came over and surveyed our condition, eventually walking us over to the ambulance, I once again got that feeling. I felt as if someone or something was right behind me, running fast and ready to snatch me away in its talons.  
  
  
  
�Okay let�s get you into the ambulance where you will be dry at least.� I nodded at the paramedic and was grateful to see that there was no one behind me.  
  
  
  
I sat on one of the stretchers and let out a sigh as I saw Kevin and Nick enter the ambulance as well. I tried turning but the guy cleaning my cut held my head firmly in place, �Please try not to move sir, what�s your name?�  
  
  
  
�Brian.�  
  
  
  
�Brian, you have a nasty cut and its deep. You�re going to need a few stitches.� See? Stitches, I knew it.  
  
  
  
The other guy was looking over Nick, probably at Kevin�s insistence while Kevin sat next to him, ready to hold his hand as if he were a five year old. I couldn�t hear what was being said over the roar of the rain, now coming down in trenches. The onlookers made their way back to their cars, deciding that being nosy wasn�t worth getting soaked.  
  
  
  
The driver shut the car door, �They said they are going to follow us,� He commented to the one working on my cousin, taking a break from Nick for a moment. Nick was sitting quietly staring at me, as my paramedic bandaged my head.  
  
  
  
�Okay, well I hope they can keep up.�  
  
  
  
Within seconds after saying that we pulled away, �Can he see in all this rain?�  
  
  
  
�We have driven through far worse don�t worry.� My cousin nodded and said no more for the rest of the trip.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
The hospital looked so different when we got there, at first I thought that maybe we had been brought to another one. With that thought came a big wash of relief. The last place I wanted to end up was on Derek Jones�s table again.  
  
Long after the fact, when the nightmare was over, well for everyone but me, I decided to send Dr. Jones a letter of apology, for mistaking him for such a gruesome monster. It ate at me for weeks that I could have almost ruined this man�s life. How do you apologize for something like that? It took me a long time and many many drafts of reading the letter to my mother, the only one I had told about the apology, before I actually sent it out.  
  
  
  
It felt like a small weight had been lifted from my shoulders, just a small one though. I didn�t expect a reply and wasn�t shocked when one never came. I�m sure he wanted to forget me as much as I wanted to forget about him.  
  
  
  
Yup I was glad we were at a different hospital, although that thought quickly faded away when I saw the familiar name. There might as well have been a sign saying welcome back Brian; we have been waiting for you.  
  
  
  
�It looks like they have done some renovating of this place.� My cousin said as he looked at the brand new reception desk as we past by it. Since none of us were horribly injured, we were met at the front door with wheelchairs. The paramedics wanted to use gurneys but Gary who successfully followed us behind the whole way, talked them out of that. Howie and AJ were walking right behind us as we traveled towards the back where the curtains were.  
  
  
  
We passed a bed that had about five people frantically working on someone as machines beeped. �That was me�� Nick said, his speech drifting off in thought. He was right, that was him when he was brought in five years ago. He was lucky he survived. The sudden flat line sound we heard just as we turned the corner made me realize that not everyone was as lucky.  
  
  
  
�Okay guys we�re dropping you off right here. Someone will be with you shortly.� The nice guy who had worked on Nick and Kevin said winking at all of us before leaving.  
  
  
  
�Can we stay with them?� I heard Howie ask and was relived to see him nod.  
  
  
  
�I�ll be right back fellas; I need to make some calls.� I was happy that Gary walked out of the room. I wish he didn�t come with us in the first place.  
  
  
  
�How are you guys holding up?� AJ asked walking over and sitting next to me on my bed.  
  
  
  
�I don�t see why we are even here. I think we should leave.�  
  
  
  
�If the paramedics didn�t think we needed to be here they wouldn�t have made us come Nick.�  
  
  
  
�They�re going to try to separate us, don�t let them okay?� When Nick panicked about something he just shrunk right before all of our eyes, becoming that little kid all of us would die to protect. Even though none of us would openly admit it.  
  
  
  
�Don�t worry baby, one of us will be with you no matter where they take you�� Kevin made sure to look my way, �Both of you.�  
  
  
  
A nurse walked into our little cubicle and closed the curtain. Her face paled a little when the look of recognition hit her face, she knew who we were, our level of fame, we were super stars now. We weren�t back then.  
  
  
  
�Oh my goodness.� She said rather unprofessionally, in my opinion anyway.  
  
  
  
She shook her anxiety away and walked over to me, �Someone will be in to suture you up shortly. Kevin and Nick is it?� They both nodded.  
  
  
  
�The two of you are set to have some X rays taken.�  
  
  
  
She took our vital signs, every once in a while stopping to glance up at Howie and AJ. Just as she was getting ready to leave she stopped and glanced back one final time, I could tell she wanted to ask, I had gotten really good at reading that in people. She didn�t though; I guess she figured it wouldn�t be the right time or place and she would have been correct.  
  
  
  
�We should leave her something autographed.� Howie was good at picking up on that too.  
  
  
  
�Don�t let them take me alone Kevin�� The sheer panic in Nick�s voice followed by a fresh well of tears just made my skin crawl.  
  
  
  
�You�re not going alone Nick, I�ll be right with you.�  
  
  
  
�I can�t do this again.� He whispered and right then I wanted to cry.  
  
  
  
Why was this not only coming back to us but coming back to us by punching us in the face? If I wasn�t such a spiritual person I would have thought that God was cruel for doing this to us, but I knew better. This had nothing to do with God.  
  
  
  
Soon after Nick�s pleading and Kevin�s soothing, two guys came in to wheel them both away. Nick glanced at me and tried to smile, but he was beyond smiling. He had his hand on his hair, to any other person it probably looked like he was just playing with it, twirling it in his fingers, but I knew he wasn�t twirling it, he was pulling it.  
  
  
  
�Nick, it�ll be all right.� He nodded as I smiled at him.  
  
  
  
�Watch him.� My cousin mouthed to Howie and AJ as they were led away.  
  
  
  
�He�ll be okay Bri�.worry about yourself right now. Kevin is with him.� Howie said moving to the chair and sitting down.  
  
  
  
�Did you see him tugging on his hair?� I nodded at AJ as did Howie. �He�ll be okay.� He said more to himself than to us.  
  
  
  
A man quickly drew the curtain back which made all three of us jump. �I hear someone has a head that needs fixin�.� He joked, as if anyone brought into the emergency room would find something like that funny.  
  
  
  
He tried to hold a causal conversation with us, knowing we were famous but pretending not to have any clue. I was always able to pick up on that as well.  
  
  
  
�Does Dr. Derek Jones still work at this hospital?� I was surprised to hear myself say that out of the blue, almost like my mouth wouldn�t wait for my brain to object.  
  
  
  
�Dr. Jones? We have a bunch of those but I don�t recall a Derek, sorry.� Howie looked a little shocked that I would ask. I kind of was too but for some reason I just needed to know.  
  
  
  
Five stitches was all it took to get me back to normal. It barely hurt as well, I was glad it was over. When he was done he led us into a private waiting room to wait for Kevin and Nick.  
  
  
  
�Bri�why did you ask about Derek Jones?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�� I said as my thoughts drifted off, I felt someone watching me again, I looked quickly at the door, there was a man standing there staring at us through the glass, I gasped but in that instant he disappeared.  
  
  
  
�Brian what�s wrong?� I didn�t have time to answer AJ because right after he said that the lights in the entire hospital went out. Leaving us in total darkness as I heard the door creak open.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	25. Chapter 25

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**25  
  
  
  
I�ll be seeing you�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
Funny what the darkness does to someone. Really it�s as simple as a light once on, now off. Nothing more complicated than that, but still, it just did something to people. Maybe in the dark it was easier to feel your own insecurities, hear your own inner voice talking to you, saying things that are easily drowned out by light.  
  
  
  
I was never one to be afraid of the dark. Gremlins? Yes but the dark? No. I found comfort in darkness. I always did, which made my parents grateful. Harold was terrified of the dark when he was small, in fact it would take two nightlights, the curtains pulled all the way open and the bathroom light to get him to finally fall asleep. I used to hate sharing a room with him. Luckily that didn�t last for too long.  
  
  
  
I�m not sure why I was never frightened of the dark, I mean when I was a kid and it was thundering outside, I felt comforted by it. I enjoyed the nights that the lights went out when we would be forced to eat by candle light just like those kids on _Little House on the Prairie._  
  
  
  
Even Leighanne didn�t enjoy a totally dark room, so I would have to leave the bathroom door a crack opened so she could see her path without breaking her neck. I knew that was just an excuse and believe me, I kidded her about it every chance I got.  
  
  
  
Of course than there was Nick. I never wanted to room with him when he was a teeny kid. He drove me crazy. He wasn�t a nightlight person though, he was a �Hey Rok let�s keep the TV on all night� person, probably the slyest way to be afraid of the dark.  
  
  
  
All the other guys, even though they�d surely never admit it, hated the dark as much as Nick did. I have caught AJ turning on a night light when he thought no one was looking and Howie as well. I think the only one that didn�t care one way or the other was Kevin. It must run in our family.  
  
  
  
When the lights went out in the hospital, it didn�t scare me. I was a calm, rational person and I knew within minutes the backup generator would come on. No big deal, there was a nasty, violent storm outside which probably had something to do with the outage. No big deal. Like I said, that didn�t scare me. What scared me was the slow steady creak of the door as it opened immediately after the lights went out.  
  
  
  
That scared the holy crap out of me.  
  
  
  
It scared whoever it was clinging onto my arm as well, I could tell by the grip it was AJ. �What the hell happened?� He asked in a panic stricken voice.  
  
  
  
�The power went out.� Howie was quick to answer; his voice was a bit shaky as well. He walked towards us as the door opened.  
  
  
  
My thoughts went to that man, the one who was staring at me from behind the glass of the door. Was it possible that it was the same man who had been staring at me as the car drove away at the airport? Was it possible for him to get here, bypassing all the traffic and our accident and make it just in time to cause a black out?  
  
  
  
All we heard was breathing, slow and steady. I could tell by the sound, it was a man. He didn�t say a word, not one.  
  
  
  
�Who�s there?� Howie bravely asked, �Are the lights out in the entire hospital?�  
  
  
  
Once again the man didn�t answer. He was still breathing loudly, almost sounding out of breath as he made his way closer to the center of the room, closer to me.  
  
  
  
�Who the hell is in here?� AJ asked, his voice escalated beyond calm.  
  
  
  
He was standing right in front of me now, as my eyes adjusted to the dark; I was able to make out his figure. A tall man, around Kevin�s height but much much larger. Instinctually I wanted to strike out at him, knock him over and run. I didn�t have to worry about that though because the lights began to flicker as the backup generators kicked in, illuminating the room.  
  
  
  
The man standing in front of us was huge and all in white. He looked like he hadn�t bathed in years and smelled a bit like that too. Nothing too dank but he just wasn�t very well kempt.  
  
  
  
I came up to a little over his chest, �Have you seen my mom?� He asked in a babyish voice.  
  
  
  
I took a few steps back and he countered by following me. �Who the hell is he?� Gary asked as he entered the room, I have never been so happy to see that man ever. �I think he�s a patient.�  
  
  
  
�Well you need to leave, this is a private room!� He said walking over to the guy and grabbing his arm gently.  
  
  
  
�I need my mom.� He said as he followed Gary to the door, he never took his eyes off of me. Did I see a smirk behind those eyes?  
  
  
  
�Must have been some crazy guy who got scared of the dark.� Howie said walking over to check me out. Howie made subtlety an art form. Once he figured out I was all right he looked at AJ who still looked scared out of his mind.  
  
  
  
�Dude, I hope Nick and Kevin are almost done, I want to get out of here. This place gives me the creeps.�  
  
  
  
�I hope Nick didn�t freak out about losing power and I hope that Kevin was with him.�  
  
  
  
�Jeez, you think they�d keep better tabs on their whacko patients�� Gary said disrupting our conversation, �Where are Kevin and Nick?� He asked noticing that both men were absent.  
  
  
  
�They are having X rays.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�okay, and how are you?�  
  
  
  
�I�m okay just a few stitches, nothing major.�  
  
  
  
He nodded as he once again put the phone to his ear. �I�ll be back; a car will come by shortly to take you boys to the hotel.�  
  
  
  
�Aren�t we going to wait for Nick and Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�No, they can come in a later one. It�s probably better to not leave at the same time anyway. It�ll draw too much attention�although the publicity wouldn�t hurt you that bad. You guys you have to get out there more. You�re all much too dull.�  
  
  
  
If only he knew.  
  
  
  
�I think we should really wait for Nick and Kevin, I know I�d feel better if��  
  
  
  
�Good Lord Brian, they only went to get x rays, it�s not like they are dying or anything. No, it�s better this way.�  
  
  
  
�I�d feel better if someone from security would stay and wait for them.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at Howie who glanced over at me in a reassuring way. I realized at that point that we weren�t going to leave unless we were sure Kevin and Nick were safe.  
  
  
  
�Security? Here at the hospital? No one even knows you�re here.�  
  
  
  
�Yet�� AJ cut in.  
  
  
  
Gary rolled his eyes at us; I�m not sure why he agreed to be our manager because he clearly hated us all. He used to do the bigger hard rock acts like Korn. Maybe they fired him. If they did they�d go up one more notch in my book.  
  
  
  
�Okay fine, I�ll make sure we have someone waiting for the guys�.feel better now?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, thanks Gary.� Howie said placing his hand on the man�s shoulder and smiling. He looked over at us and got ready to walk out the door, �I�ll let you know when the car arrives.� And with that being said he left.  
  
  
  
�He hates us.� Being together for as long as we were, it was sometimes scary how well we knew each other. I mean wasn�t I just thinking that a minute ago?  
  
  
  
�Yeah, well the feeling�s mutual.� D answered AJ and then went over to the door to check if there was a lock.  
  
  
  
My mind went back to the creepy guy. I felt bad for being so suspicious of him but at the same time, I�m not sure I believed his whole �I�m just a crazy guy looking for my mommy� routine. It was his eyes, and that smell. Didn�t my attacker smell that way?  
  
  
  
�You okay Brian?�  
  
  
  
I shook off that thought and smiled at Howie, �Yeah�just having a bad day I guess.�  
  
  
  
Howie bit at his bottom lip and nodded, �Hey D? You think there was anything up with the guy who came in here?�  
  
  
  
�The one looking for his mom?� I nodded.  
  
  
  
�No, I just think the dark scared him and he ended up coming in here.�  
  
  
  
�But how come he didn�t say anything�I mean nothing at all until the lights went on?�  
  
  
  
�Not sure�maybe he was too scared.�  
  
  
  
I decided to drop it, I know I was being paranoid, no sense in making them as paranoid as me.  
  
  
  
�I�d feel a whole lot better if we knew that Nick and Kev were okay.� We both looked over at AJ; he still looked kind of shaken. �I�m sure they�re fine J.�  
  
  
  
�And I do think that crazy guy was creepy, I just want to get out of here.�  
  
  
  
I had to laugh at him; he would be like this even if we hadn�t gone through the trauma of five years ago. AJ hated hospitals and was the absolute biggest chicken I knew.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we should get you your shots while we�re here.� I said deciding to lighten the mood a bit.  
  
  
  
�Hell no!�  
  
  
  
�How is it a man can get stuck with a gazillion needles to get a tattoo but when it comes to a small prick of an arm for medical purposes, he freaks out?�  
  
  
  
�I have no idea Howie; it�s one of life�s mysteries.�  
  
  
  
�Okay fine, laugh it up you two and speak for yourself about the small prick thing Howie.�  
  
  
  
�Okay I saw that coming from a mile away�� We all laughed, just what the doctor ordered. We needed a good laugh.  
  
  
  
Gary stuck his head into the room, �Van�s here.� Was all he said before shutting it again.  
  
  
  
As we walked out into the hustle and bustle of the emergency room, I saw him again. He was sitting on a set of chairs all by himself, staring at me. �Is there a body guard here for Kevin and Nick?� I heard Howie ask. I couldn�t take my eyes away from the man who had entered our room earlier though; he was just sitting there on a chair that was much too small for him; rocking and people watching.  
  
  
  
�Yes he�s going down to meet them now.�  
  
  
  
�Have you seen them?�  
  
  
  
�No AJ, I haven�t. God you guys are possibly the most paranoid people I have ever met.�  
  
  
  
Just as Gary said that, the chubby man looked my way and smiled at me. It wasn�t a nice smile either, it was a devilish one. The way his eyes scrunched up as he did it, I felt chills run down my spine. That wasn�t even the worst part. He put up his hand and waved at me and then he blew me a kiss. What he mouthed is what scared me the most. I could swear he said, �I�ll be seeing you soon��  
  
  
  
�Okay men, let�s get going.�  
  
  
  
�Hello? Earth to Brian?� I looked over at Gary, �Did he ever find his mother?�  
  
  
  
�What on earth are you talking about?�  
  
  
  
�He�s still sitting all alone, did he find his mom?� Howie looked over at the chairs the place I was pointing towards, �Probably because he�s gone. Where do you see him sitting all alone?�  
  
  
  
I looked back at the chairs and just like Howie said, the man was gone. �He was just there�He waved at me.� I decided to leave the other details out for now.  
  
  
  
AJ and Howie exchanged nervous glances, the same ones I used to receive on a daily basis when I was convinced that one Derek Jones was going to kill me. I didn�t miss those looks.  
  
  
  
�Come on Bri�maybe they are taking care of him now.� Howie said patting my back and leading me to the exit doors.  
  
  
  
�Is there a body guard with Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, don�t you listen?� Gary said putting his cell phone up to his ear once again and walking us to the door of the black car that was waiting for us.  
  
  
  
Once inside Howie pat my back gently, �It�s okay Brian�you�ve had a long and kind of traumatic day. We�ll go back to the hotel and get some sleep.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at Howie but I couldn�t say what I was feeling. I didn�t want to be called crazy again, I didn�t want to experience those feelings that everyone thought I was nuts. I knew I wasn�t seeing things. I knew that guy was watching me and I knew that he left before I had the chance to tell anyone.  
  
  
  
I closed my eyes not wanting to think of the rest, shaking my head trying hard not to think that he had left right before us so this way he could be at the hotel�waiting.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	26. Chapter 26

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**26  
  
  
  
Five Breaths**

  
  
  
  
  
  
It�s been a long time since my heart beat out of control�a long long time but as we were in that van, once again the rain pouring down on us so hard you could barely see anything but water puddling down the windows. I found myself having a hard time breathing.  
  
  
  
I knew it wasn�t a cardiac issue. I knew it was a panic attack, �when you have them you�ll feel like your chest is closing in on you and everything will get small� That was the way it was described to me, when I was told that most likely I�d have one.  
  
  
  
It�s nice how therapists do that to you isn�t it? How they set you up for gloom and doom. Maybe if she never said that, it would have never happened but that night, right after that session I had my very first panic attack. It hit me hard and while I was in the shower of all places.  
  
  
  
Having the plastic shower curtain drawn, I remember letting the water crush down on my head, eyes closed as it dripped off my nose and fell into my mouth and down the drain. It was when I had opened my eyes to see blood pooling around the faucet that I felt my chest tighten. Immediately I had stopped the water and checked my body, to make sure that I hadn�t hurt myself or something, but I was fine. No cuts or anything. It was all my imagination.  
  
  
  
I remember my hands shaking really badly, trembling with fear. I did not want to open that little plastic shower curtain, it�s like that was my only armor to defend me from what I felt was a new presence in the room. At that moment I felt someone had entered my bathroom and was waiting for me beyond that curtain. Something unspeakable was going to happen. So I never opened that curtain, I sat in the tub for about three hours in a fetal position on the floor. My entire body trembling.  
  
  
  
That was my first panic attack, I�ll never forget it much the same way you never forget your first homerun or your first kiss.  
  
  
  
I took a few very deep breaths to calm down. My therapist said it would take maybe about five before I could catch my breath and then another five to gain control over my fears.  
  
  
  
�You okay Brian?� I wasn�t able to speak just yet so I nodded at Howie, I�m sure very unconvincingly.  
  
  
  
�You sure?�  
  
  
  
�Fine� I finally got out as I let out my breath. Breath five, the one that would allow me to breathe normally.  
  
�We�re almost there.� The van driver said, taking my panic for impatience I guess.  
  
  
  
�Thanks,� AJ answered him and then turned toward me, �You sure you�re okay? You�re kind of scaring the crap out of me but the hospital scares me even worse so please don�t tell me we have to turn around and bring you back there.�  
  
  
  
When AJ was nervous he babbled, almost as much as Nick did. I smiled at him, �I�m okay.� I said with more reassurance this time.  
  
  
  
�Good.�  
  
  
  
I took a few more deep breaths but tried not to be that obvious about it. I didn�t want them to worry about me, even though I knew they would always worry about me.  
  
  
  
After I had gotten out of the tub on the night of panic attack number one, I placed a towel around my goose bumped body and had finally ventured back out into my bedroom. I lived alone at the time, just starting to get serious with Leighanne. I had looked at the clock and realized that I was late. We were supposed to go out on a date.  
  
  
  
I opened my drawer, the top one right beside my bed and pulled out the bottle of tranquilizers my therapist had given me. I was firmly against medicine of any kind when it came to my mental health but she insisted I take them and so I did, never thinking I would ever use them.  
  
  
  
That night I had taken two and closed my eyes to a dreamless sleep, never even bothering to call Leigh and explain to her why I had stood her up.  
  
  
  
The next morning, I awoke with a cotton mouth and disoriented. I took the bottle of pills and dumped then down the toilet. I considered that a silent victory for myself.  
  
  
  
I wish I had those pills right now.  
  
  
  
�We can�t stay here!� I looked over at Howie who had a panic stricken look on his face. I didn�t even have to look past him, past the wind shield wipers that were going double speed to know what he was talking about.  
  
  
  
�There must be some mistake. This can�t be where we are staying!�  
  
  
  
�Nope, sorry this is where I was told to bring you guys. If you have a problem you need to take it up with your boss.� The driver was tired of us, I�m sure he just wanted to get out of the rain and home to his family.  
  
  
  
�Don�t worry Brian; we�ll get this taken care of.� Howie�s voice was sweet and caring as he grabbed for his cell phone and dialed Gary.  
  
  
  
I wasn�t surprised that we ended up at the hotel where it all happened. Not in the least, in fact I was almost expecting it.  
  
  
  
It seemed like if history was going to repeat itself it might as well not do a half ass job.  
  
  
  
�I know we didn�t mention it before but�� Howie was arguing with Gary now, trying to turn his head away so I wouldn�t have to hear.  
  
  
  
�Brian we�ll sleep in the van before we go in there.� AJ said now taking out a cigarette.  
  
  
  
�Not in this van, I have to pick up someone else in about ten minutes.�  
  
  
  
Was everyone in this city so impatient and impolite?  
  
  
  
�And please do not smoke in here! I have asthma!� AJ rolled his eyes and placed his cigarette back into the pack. �Sorry.�  
  
  
  
�We have to switch�no I can�t really explain, it�s just that�we had a bad experience here before.�  
  
  
  
My second panic attack had come the very first time I stayed in a hotel room after the attack. We had some silly photo shoot, nothing too big. It was only going to take a half day and then we would be gone. We didn�t even have to stay overnight or anything. Kevin insisted on staying with me. Nick had backed out and we were totally fine with that. He needed to be at home, I just neglected to think that maybe I needed the same thing.  
  
  
  
It sucked keeping secrets but we really didn�t want everyone to know about this. If one of us cancelled it was no big deal, we could blame a virus or a family emergency. If two of us cancelled, well that�s when the questions would start. We didn�t want questions.  
  
  
  
So Kevin and I shared this room, it was tiny, only had one bed in it in fact, but that didn�t matter since we weren�t spending the night anyway. I was fine, or so I thought. I had my girlfriend to talk to on the phone, I had already made arrangements to call her in our small amount of free time we had and that would keep me occupied.  
  
  
  
It was when Kevin left, he didn�t even leave he went into the bathroom, that I felt attack number two come on. This time it had hit me in the form of flashbacks. I looked in the corner of the room at the chair and I just didn�t see a chair, I saw Nick handcuffed to the chair. Then I looked over at the dresser. I saw it in a shambles, clothes thrown about as I frantically looked for drugs for our attacker.  
  
  
  
It was the mirror though, when I looked in the mirror and saw a reflection of a man standing behind me that I suddenly couldn�t breathe anymore. I had quickly turned around and of course no one was there. It was too late; I was barely able to breathe. It took about seven breaths that time before I was able to get myself under control, but by the time Kevin got out of the shower and back into the main room, I was fine.  
  
  
  
I gasped and both Howie and AJ looked at me.  
  
  
  
Howie placing his hand over the receiver so Gary couldn�t here, �What�s wrong?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing...I�m fine.�  
  
  
  
�You don�t look fine�� AJ said placing a hand on my back as Howie went back to arguing with our manager.  
  
  
  
�Yes I�m here sorry��  
  
  
  
�Did he see Kevin and Nick yet?� I whispered to Howie who gave me a half smile which I took to mean as a yes.  
  
  
  
�Good.� I said out loud and let out another breath.  
  
  
  
�Gary I don�t really care what you have to do to get us into another hotel, we are not staying in this one!� Howie�s voice was so firm that I almost wanted to high five him. I would have if my hands weren�t trembling. When they started trembling, I couldn�t say, but now that I noticed it, they were shaking as if I was in some kind of withdrawal.  
  
  
  
�Fine!� Howie said hanging up the phone and looking over at both AJ and I, �He said he�s going to try to find us somewhere else to stay. He�ll call us back in a few.�  
  
  
  
�Well that�s nice and all but you guys are going to have to go wait in the lobby because I have to go.� The nasty van driver said as if this was the center of Manhattan.  
  
  
  
We all barreled out of the van and headed for the hotel lobby. We stopped just short of walking in though, choosing instead to stand under the canopy. The doorman looked at us as if we were old friends he was trying to remember the names of. AJ just smiled and turned away from him.  
  
  
  
�Of all the hotels there are in this stupid city we end up here!� He muttered under his breath, finally taking out his cigarette and this time lighting it successfully.  
  
  
  
I wouldn�t even look towards the hotel lobby, choosing instead to look out into the rainy weather. Above some of the buildings, I saw the steeple of the church, the one I had left to seek refuge, ask my questions and try to find some reason behind all of this so many years ago.  
  
  
  
Church at home in Kentucky is where I had my next panic attack. We had some downtime, so I decided to spend it at home with my family. We went to church just like we did every Sunday when I was with them. Same routine, church followed by brunch at the Perkins down the road.  
  
  
  
We sat right in the middle just like always but this time as our pastor was giving his sermon, I felt my chest tighten. I looked up and saw everyone staring at me, all pointing and staring. �It�s all your fault� they were mouthing at me.  
  
  
  
Then behind my pastor, who took no notice of everyone looking my way, was the guy with the deformed hand. I knew he wasn�t a priest, hell I knew he didn�t live in Kentucky but there he was nonetheless.  
  
  
  
The way I was breathing alarmed my brother who was sitting right beside me, he took hold of my arm which is when I screamed �NO!� at the top of my lungs. The priest who was never there to begin with disappeared but this time everyone�s eyes stayed on me. I realized they weren�t staring before. No before it was in my imagination but now they were. Everyone staring and wondering why I had screamed like that.  
  
  
  
I stood up, ran out of the church and barfed on the side of the church in a pile of lilacs. My family followed me out and my mother rubbed my back as I threw up, none of them asked. It was never mentioned again.  
  
  
  
I let out another heavy breath, feeling my chest tighten even more. Maybe if I ran out into the rain, I�d feel better. Let the rain wash away my fears. My breathing was more rapid now and it was almost impossible to hide the fact that something was wrong. I closed my eyes and began to count, one�think smooth calming thoughts.  
  
  
  
�Oh my God is that the Backstreet boys?�  
  
  
  
Two�everything will be okay Brian�just breathe�breathe�  
  
  
  
�Crap I think we need to go inside guys, we�ve just been spotted.� I heard AJ but I ignored him, I needed to calm myself down.  
  
  
  
Three�slow and steady�slow and steady�  
  
  
  
�Brian are you okay? You look pale, Howie come here��  
  
  
  
Four�God why am I not calming down�breathe Brian�  
  
  
  
I felt Howie�s hand on my shoulder, and I heard the cries coming towards us, �Brian we need to go inside.� He said ignoring the fact that my eyes were closed.  
  
  
  
Five�you can do this�.you can do this�  
  
  
  
I opened my eyes not feeling any better but my breathing had slowed down. I saw a pack of fans coming towards us, �We have to Bri�� AJ said giving me a sympathetic look.  
  
  
  
�Okay�we can go in the lobby, that�s fine.� I agreed, my voice sounding as if I had just run up a flight of steps.  
  
  
  
The doorman opened the door for us just in time, as the girls made their way across the street. We walked into the lobby, it was huge. I barely remembered it.  
  
  
  
�Come on, let�s go sit over there.� Howie said pointing towards a quartet of chairs surrounding a piano.  
  
  
  
�Do you think anyone ever plays that thing?�  
  
  
  
�Not sure.� I ignored their unimportant conversation and just looked down at the carpet. I never thought I�d be back in this place, never.  
  
  
  
Howie�s cell phone cut through the air making me jump, my heart going full speed again. �Hello....Come on� did you even try to�but you don�t understand�We�there has to be�okay�I said okay�as soon as you can please�bye.�  
  
  
  
Howie looked over at us as he slowly placed his phone back into his pocket, �We have to stay don�t we?� I asked already knowing the answer.  
  
  
  
�He said he tried a ton of places but on such short notice they were all booked. He�s not going to stop looking though; we�re going to get out of here Brian�okay?�  
  
  
  
I couldn�t answer him though; I was beyond words as I clutched the sides of my chair trying to catch my breath.  
  
  
  
�What about Nick? Is he on his way?�  
  
  
  
Howie looked at me with the same look I dreaded. It said �should I tell him or not�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure he�ll be here shortly,� He said in less than a reassuring voice. That was it; it finally came on like a held back sneeze.  
  
  
  
One�It�s going to be okay Brian�relax and breathe�  
  
  
  
Two�You can do this it�s no big deal�.  
  
  
  
Three�I can�t�.I can�t�.  
  



	27. Chapter 27

****

**27  
  
  
  
He�s Here�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I sat across from AJ and Howie, as I finally managed to calm myself down. The lobby was oddly quiet considering all of the people who were right outside waiting for just a glimpse of one of us. My thoughts once again turned to Nick. I�m sure the last thing he would want to deal with when he got here was the screaming fans outside. I turned to the door to see about ten people peering in from the outside. Our security wouldn�t let them come in, which seemed perfectly fine to the hotel manager. Sometimes they gave us a hard time about that. Everyone should be allowed in, but these guys were willing to work with us, probably because they sensed our disdain for being there in the first place.  
  
  
  
Gary hadn�t called us back yet, and I know to me I understood what that meant. We were going to be trapped at this place. I let out a big sigh which of course caught AJ and Howie�s attention, �You okay Brian?�  
  
  
  
Was it wrong of me for being sick of hearing that? I know they meant well but after awhile it just got old. I found myself trying to hide my emotions from them because it was just easier than explaining that I was good and just felt the need to sigh.  
  
  
  
�Brian?� That�s when I realized I never answered them so I looked up and smiled, as best I could anyway.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I�m fine�just tired.�  
  
  
  
�Fuck it! Why don�t we just go check ourselves into a Motel 6 or something?� AJ said getting up to wander around before he screamed in frustration.  
  
  
  
�Where are you going?� Howie asked as he once again dialed our manager.  
  
  
  
�To pee and smoke. Smoke and pee.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t think you can smoke in the lobby and you aren�t going outside.�  
  
  
  
�Well then at least I�m going to find a bathroom in this place. Maybe I�ll sneak a ciggy in there.�  
  
  
  
�Getting kicked out of this place is another option.� I said lightheartedly.  
  
  
  
�Anything I can do to help Rok, I�ll go pee in a plant if you want.�  
  
  
  
�Just go numb nuts.� AJ saluted to me and walked off to the front desk asking about a bathroom, my eyes once again turned towards the glass doors which instantly brought about a wave of screams. I waved to the fans and they waved back.  
  
�We can�t sit in the lobby forever.� I said to Howie as he waited for Gary to answer the phone.  
  
  
  
�Working on it Brian.�  
  
  
  
�When are Nick and Kevin going to get here?� Howie just shrugged at me looking nervous. I decided to ignore it for now.  
  
  
  
I was getting nervous suddenly, when things like this happened, I just needed to make sure we were all present and accounted for. I didn�t like to be separated from the people I loved. Being the victim of violence made you realize how important everyone around you was. That just gave me an itch to call Leighanne but then again I didn�t want her to worry too much about me and if she knew we were here in this place she would worry.  
  
  
  
Of course in my heightened state of paranoia my thoughts when to AJ, I suddenly didn�t like the idea of him being all by himself. I stood up, �I�m going to the bathroom too.� I said now feeling I needed to almost run in there and make sure he was okay.  
  
  
  
�Okay, I�ll just be sitting here on hold�.again!�  
  
  
  
I once again waved to the fans and walked over the front desk, �Can you tell me where your bathrooms are?�  
  
  
  
�Just down the hall and to your left.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks.� I walked down the small hallway and opened the door to the men�s room where the slightest hint of smoke wafted through the air.  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe you man!� I said, relief washing over me as I saw AJ standing by the window which was opened a crack.  
  
  
  
�I told you when a man�s gotta smoke he�s gotta smoke. You want one? You look like you need one of these.�  
  
  
  
�No, thanks.�  
  
  
  
�Any word from Gary yet?�  
  
  
  
�No, Howie�s on hold.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.� AJ put the sink on and wet his cigarette butt before throwing it in the garbage.  
  
  
  
�Aren�t you going to pee?�  
  
  
  
�No, I just wanted to make sure that you�� I drifted off.  
  
  
  
AJ placed a loving hand on my shoulder, �Bri, nothing�s going to happen. Everything will be fine.�  
  
  
  
�I wish I could believe that.�  
  
  
  
�I know.�  
  
  
  
When we ventured back out into the lobby, once again stopping to wave to the screaming fans; I noticed Howie was off the phone and holding his head in his hands. Not a good thing definitely not a good thing.  
  
  
  
�D?� AJ said as I took a seat back in my comfy chair.  
  
  
  
Immediately Howie looked up and smiled at us, �Sorry, I have a headache.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t we all?� AJ asked sarcasm dripping from his every word.  
  
  
  
�He said as of right now we�re stuck in this place. I�m sorry Brian�but that�s not all.�  
  
  
  
I felt a sense of dread fall on me, feeling like a ton of bricks being planted on my chest. �What else is there Howie?�  
  
  
  
He looked over at me and took a deep breath, �Nick��  
  
  
  
Before he could even finish I was up and in a full state of panic once again. The things that went through my mind in the second after I heard that one word I can�t even describe to you. How one small word, one person�s name can bring about such a flurry of memories and mental images.  
  
  
  
�What about him?� I didn�t ask that. I wanted to but I couldn�t, my mouth wouldn�t move. Luckily AJ was as concerned as I was. All I was able to do was stare at Howie as he continued.  
  
  
  
�When the lights went back on, they had trouble locating Nick at first�eventually they found him under a gurney.�  
  
  
  
�But I thought Nick and Kevin were fine.�  
  
  
  
�Physically but��  
  
  
  
�But what?� I was growing impatient with the way Howie was breaking news to us. Slow and deliberate much the same way that Kevin would.  
  
  
  
�Nick hasn�t spoken since they found him under the gurney. He won�t talk to anyone including Kevin. He was also missing a big chunk of his hair. Gary was really angry. He�s called a meeting with all of us once they get back to the hotel.�  
  
That made me collapse back into my chair.  
  
  
  
�And Kevin?� I heard AJ inquire as I just gazed at the floor, trying not to think about what I just heard,  
  
  
  
�He�s fine; he hasn�t left Nick�s side since they found him. They�re on their way, they wanted to keep Nick but Kevin refused to let them.�  
  
  
  
�The cat�s going to be out of the bag now�� He said fidgeting as he stood; I could tell he wanted another cigarette.  
  
  
  
�I think we should go upstairs Brian�the last thing Nick needs is to hang down here when the fans are��  
  
  
  
�I know�I agree.� I wouldn�t let Howie finish. Instead I stood up and made my way over to where the elevators were. �Why don�t you go get us the keys?� I said dejectedly as I pushed the up button. Fans once again screamed but this time I didn�t look their way, afraid they would see the tears in my eyes.  
  
  
  
AJ walked over next to me and did wave at the fans as the elevator door opened. �Don�t you think we should wait until we at least know where we�re going Rok?�  
  
  
  
�Does it matter?� He looked at me confused; I�m sure trying to figure out the right thing to say. Howie came running into the elevator and handed AJ a key, �You need to put it in that slot, I guess we have the penthouse suite.�  
  
  
  
�Great.� I said as I watched AJ place the key in the slot.  
  
  
  
We walked slowly down towards the hallway where only four rooms stood. We had the key to one and when we opened it up, its size was impressive.  
  
  
  
�Wow who knew this place had rooms like this huh?� AJ asked walking all the way in and shutting the door.  
  
  
  
There was a massive living room with three full sized sofas and a huge wide screen TV as well as a table, piano and bar. There were four smaller rooms inside, each having their own separate key. We all stood awkwardly staring at those doors. �Maybe we should all room in the same one?� Howie asked more as a quiet offering to me.  
  
  
  
�It�s okay Howie, I�ll share a room with Nick, and you guys can each have your very own.  
  
  
  
�Are you sure because we all could��  
  
  
  
�That would be silly.�  
  
  
  
Howie handed me a key and then slide his own into his door and winked as he entered. I just stood there standing at mine, thoughts of coming back from a long day of playing basketball running through my head. If anyone told me that opening a hotel room door would have forever changed my life, I would have laughed in their face, but it did.  
  
  
  
Maybe if I had followed Nick back into his room instead of insisting I needed my own space, maybe the guy would have gotten bored waiting for us and left. That�s all it was. A simple case of opening a stupid do�  
  
  
  
�Rok?�  
  
  
  
I turned towards AJ, not realizing he had been watching me the entire time. �You okay?� There was that question again.  
  
  
  
�Fine�I just, maybe I�ll just wait out here until Nick and Kevin get back.� AJ put his key away, �I�ll wait with you.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him and together we walked back into the living room and waited for Nick and Kevin.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
When they first walked in, I didn�t know what to say. Nick was clutching onto Kevin as if he were a life raft and if he let go, he�d drown. They were alone, just the two of them and the security guard that escorted them to the hospital waited outside.  
  
  
  
�Hey�� AJ said in a whisper as he looked Nick up and down. He was wearing a hat and looking straight ahead.  
  
  
  
�Nick why don�t you sit down right there.� Kevin said as if he were addressing a child. He led Nick to a couch and sat him down. Kevin looked at me and sighed, he looked as if he aged twenty years. He motioned for me to follow him away from Nick who was now staring straight ahead as AJ sat next to him and placed his arm around Nick�s shoulders.  
  
  
  
�Why are we at this place?�  
  
  
  
�Gary said nowhere else was available.�  
  
  
  
�Brian�I had to tell Gary about what happened. There were too many questions.�  
  
  
  
�I know, I figured you�d have to. What happened? Why is he like that?�  
  
  
  
Kevin glanced over at Nick, making sure he was okay than continued, �I wish I knew. We were waiting for x-rays and they had just separated us when the lights went out. I didn�t even hesitate. I got up out of my wheelchair and ran to Nick. I knew he�d freak. But when the lights went on we couldn�t find him.�  
  
He sighed again and leaned against the giant table in the room, �I panicked, I can�t even tell you how nervous I was but then I saw him under a gurney. He was shaking and had a huge clump of hair in his hands. He wouldn�t talk to me, still won�t. He hasn�t said one word to anyone.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe he�ll talk to me.�  
  
  
  
�Are you okay Brian? I mean being here in this place? Gary said he felt bad about us having to stay here but I think he was more angry than anything else. We�re having a meeting in a little while.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah I know, Howie mentioned it.�  
  
  
  
�You never answered my question, are you okay?�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him, �There�s nothing to say really.� He nodded.  
  
  
  
I made my way over to Nick where AJ was cracking jokes trying his hardest to get Nick to laugh. I sat on the other side of my friend who had been through so much.  
  
  
  
�Hey buddy.� I said lovingly placing my head on his shoulder, �I�m glad you�re finally back. I needed you.�  
  
  
  
That made him turn my way. AJ seeing that maybe I was making progress stood up and made his way to his room finally allowing himself time to chill.  
  
  
  
�What happened Nick? Why aren�t you talking to us? And why are you pulling your hair out again?� He didn�t say anything just once again looked forward.  
  
  
  
�Nick, I need you to be strong because I can�t go through this alone�being here in this place. It�s too much. You�re the only one who understands.� I felt myself starting to cry and made sure Kevin was out of sight before I continued. For some reason I didn�t want him to see me cry.  
  
  
  
�The truth is I�m terrified Nick. I thought I saw�� I stopped not thinking it was a very good idea to tell him this. He once again looked over at me, tears in his own eyes now. �I just can�t be that strong and you�re the only one I�d ever let know�so please tell me what happened?�  
  
  
  
�He�s here.� I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when my friend whispered those words.  
  
  
  
�He was at the hospital�he�s here.� I hugged Nick and kissed the top of his head. He returned my hug just like he did that day we lay in the bathroom ready to be killed. All the while Nick repeating those words, �He�s here.�  
  



	28. Chapter 28

****

28  
  
  
  
Here have some Jack Daniels it�ll make you feel better!

  
  
  
  
  
  
By the time Gary got back to the hotel, Nick was sleeping on the couch we sat on together. He had rested his head on my chest and finally closed his eyes to sleep. We were such good friends, it didn�t bother me, but to everyone else, especially strangers, I�m sure we looked like a pair of lovers.  
  
  
  
Kevin had come back and sat on the floor of all places, staring at us both as if we were some kind of movie. Howie and AJ had reluctantly come out of hiding, but both looked surprisingly refreshed.  
  
  
  
�I hope you�ll forgive me for saying this but this whole situation is less than believable.� Gary said as he paced frantically over to the bar and opened a bottle of Jack Daniels. The poor guy never drank a day in his life until he met us. At least that is what he always likes to declare.  
  
  
  
�I mean, how in the hell have I never heard about this until now?� He poured himself a shot of liquor and gulped it down like water.  
  
  
  
�We kept it under wraps, but it�s true�all of it.� Howie remained calm and told Kevin he was going to do the talking since he was sure that my cousin would eventually lose his temper.  
  
  
  
Gary laughed under his breath as he poured himself another shot of Jack, �Under fucking wraps�nice.�  
  
  
  
�Gary, we made the decision that nobody needed to know this. It happened so long ago, way before we were big enough for people to care. Bringing it all back would just hurt Nick and Brian.�  
  
  
  
�I still don�t really believe that all of that crap happened.�  
  
  
  
�Jive knows� ask them they�ll tell you.� My cousin said, disdain evident in his voice as he continued, �They agreed it was best to keep it quiet.�  
  
  
  
Gary sighed and put his shot glass on the bar. �So what are we supposed to do now? Cancel everything?�  
  
  
  
�Truthfully at this point, I think it�s the best idea, yes.�  
  
  
  
AJ nodded in agreement, �Howie is right. I know we�d hate to disappoint the fans but I think with the accident and Nick being kind of�well�I think it�s a good idea.�  
  
  
  
�Do you have any idea how much money you will lose if we cancel this gig? How many fans and sponsors you will aggravate? Does that mean nothing to you?�  
  
  
  
I finally allowed myself to speak. Right before Gary came, the guys said it was best if I stayed quiet; I had enough to worry about. They didn�t even want me to stay in the room, saying it was best if Nick and I just hid in one of the bedrooms. It�s not that I didn�t agree with them, more like I didn�t want to be alone, and right now even with Nick with me, I would have been alone.  
  
  
  
�Gary, the reason we agreed to come here in the first place is because we felt we owed it to our fans. We would never want to disappoint them. I don�t care about the money; it�s not even an issue. I care about the fact that for over 5 years now we have screwed over our Philadelphia fans. They deserve better than that. But that�s before all this happened.�  
  
  
  
Gary nodded and made his way back towards us, I guess he finally felt liquored up enough to deal with our crap. �Right, I forgot about the next thing. You saw him?�  
  
  
  
�I think so yes.�  
  
  
  
�SO you think he� POOF! Just suddenly pops up at the hospital just as YOU happen to be there?� He was mocking me, putting his hands up in a David Copperfield way when he said the poof part.  
  
  
  
�Nick saw him too.� I hadn�t said that right up until now.  
  
  
  
�How do you know that? Did you get him to speak to you?� Kevin said, temporarily ignoring the fact that Gary was even in the room.  
  
  
  
I nodded at him, �He said he saw him, that�s pretty much all he said, but yeah�I got him to speak.�  
  
  
  
�That�s why�the hair?� One thing I noticed about AJ, when he was upset or scared about something he spoke in incomplete sentences, much the same way Nick tended to on a daily basis.  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�That�s the other thing, what�s the deal with the hair?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Gary as everyone else stared at the sleeping form of Nick. He seemed to be sleeping so peacefully, but for all I know he was just pretending and listening to every word that we said.  
  
  
  
�He went through hell��  
  
  
  
�You both did�you both went through hell.� Kevin was quick to correct.  
  
  
  
�Okay yes we both went through hell.�  
  
  
  
�He tortured you supposedly?�  
  
  
  
�Not supposedly and no not really me, but he did torture Nick.�  
  
  
  
I felt my arms tighten around my little brother in a very protective fashion. I hated talking about this, more than anything in the world.  
  
  
  
�Did the guy rip his hair out or something?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t think we should talk about this while he�s in the room.� Howie said motioning his head over towards Nick.  
  
  
  
�It�s too late Howie, see we have a huge problem because in about an hour or so, I have to convince your sponsors, fans and your record company that there�s nothing wrong with you guys while at the same time trying to cover up the fact that he went a little wacky at the hospital and started pulling out his hair! Time for coddling is over.�  
  
  
  
�No one knows about the hair.�  
  
  
  
�Yes they do Howie. Didn�t Kevin tell you that part?� All eyes went to Kevin as he shook his head, looking ready to pounce on Gary for bringing it up.  
  
  
  
There was more to the story.  
  
  
  
�What happened Kev?� I asked, not really wanting to know.  
  
  
  
�Just, when I found him, I wasn�t alone. Of course I had some hospital workers with me. When we lured him out from under the gurney, he at first wouldn�t budge. He kept kicking at everyone who tried to get him out from under there, even me. It�s like he didn�t even recognize me or something. By the time we did manage to get him out of there. They all noticed his hair.�  
  
  
  
�Jesus�� I heard AJ whisper under his breath.  
  
  
  
�They wanted to keep him, I did tell you that. But they wanted to admit him to the psych ward.�  
  
  
  
�Nicky�I�m so sorry.� I said hugging him tightly to me.  
  
  
  
�So, you know it�s not like you guys are invisible. Everyone knows who you are now. Everyone loves you and admires you. Especially him�� He said pointing at Nick, �How would these 12 year old girls feel if they found out that their idol was nuts?�  
  
  
  
�Take that back or I swear to God I�m going to fucking punch your lights out!� I surprised myself. I stood up in such a flurry that Nick snapped awake in a panic, but I didn�t care, in my rage, I just wanted to get up and strangle this guy. How DARE he say something like that?  
  
  
  
Gary took a step back, surprised by my sudden attack.  
  
  
  
�You have NO idea what he went through! No fucking idea so I swear to God if you don�t apologize for that remark right now I�m going to break you in half!�  
  
  
  
Kevin stood next to me, holding my shoulder but not really holding me back. I think he would have been very happy with me beating the daylights out of our manager. All it took was his hand on my shoulder to calm me down though.  
  
  
  
AJ and Howie ventured over to Nick who was now awake and rubbing his sleepy eyes with the palm of his hand as Gary stood there before me dumbfounded. I almost wanted to get the shot glass for him and pour him another round of Jack Daniels, as long as I got to break the damn bottle over his head when I was done.  
  
  
  
�Okay�fine, I�m sorry. Maybe that was uncalled for but you guys better get used to it. All it takes is ONE hospital worker to call ONE tabloid and everyone will be saying the same thing.� I turned away from him and walked back over to Nick, who didn�t seem phased by anything that was going on. He was in his own world and that was terrifying me.  
  
  
  
�So what is the plan?� Howie asked calmly standing up and letting me take my place next to Nick.  
  
  
  
Gary sighed, �I�m not sure. Probably cancel and try to get a plane out of here tonight. Then I�m resigning, I can�t manage a group that�s not honest with me.� Can�t say I was unhappy to hear that. I�m sure that would piss off the Firm but truthfully we were ready to leave them behind anyway.  
  
  
  
�I feel like this is all my fault�sorry.� Nick whispered, catching us all by surprise.  
  
  
  
�It�s nobody�s fault kiddo, how are you doing?�  
  
  
  
Nick shook his head, looking like he regretted speaking in the first place, knowing that those questions would inevitably come. I hated them too, but I�ve said that enough that now you get the idea.  
  
  
  
�I just want to sleep�� He said sounding ready to cry. Gary didn�t seem to care about how Nick was doing, rolling his eyes and venturing back to the bar for another shot of liquor. I so wanted to hurt that jackass!  
  
  
  
�So then sleep Nicky, we�ll wake you when it�s time to leave.�  
  
  
  
�I�m so sorry�� He said again this time allowing a tear to escape. �I keep ruining everything.�  
  
  
  
�No worries.�  
  
  
  
After drinking down some more alcohol, Gary grimaced as he walked towards the door, �Okay I�m going to go do some major damage control. If press or anyone else happens to call or anything don�t answer the phone. As soon as I book us a flight out of here I�ll let you know.�  
  
  
  
�Gary�� Howie said standing up to walk our manager out the door, �I�m sorry about all of this, I know we aren�t making things easy for you.�  
  
  
  
�It�ll all be over soon.� He said even trying to smile as he thankfully left the room.  
  
  
  
�How can you apologize to that major asshole?� AJ asked as he walked over to the bar, wanting more than anything to pour himself a drink.  
  
  
  
�The last thing we need is an angry ex manager on our hands don�t you think? I could care less about the idiot but he does have our future in his hands.�  
  
  
  
�Well thank God we are finally leaving this place.� I said once again wrapping my arms around Nick, still worried about him. I�ll always worry about him. We all will.  
  
  
  
�You told him everything?� Nick asked finally after a few moments of precious silence.  
  
  
  
�Just as much as he needed to know.�  
  
  
  
Nick nodded. �This will never go away, ever. Will it?�  
  
  
  
�I hope so Nick�I really do.� We all looked at each other, worried and sad. The same looks we frequented so often back then, back when I had convinced myself we�d never have to relive any of this again.  
  
  
  
�It stays with you.� My therapist had told me one day, on a day that I was just about ready to call myself cured. I had looked at her in disbelief. Thinking that maybe it was a ploy, a reason to get me to keep coming back to her.  
  
  
  
�What do you mean?� I had asked, once again looking at her fish tank.  
  
  
  
�The pain you feel, the paranoia, the sadness and the anger, it�ll never go away Brian. It�ll stay with you forever. Its how you handle it, how you manage to deal with it all that will end up helping you in the end.�  
  
  
  
�And how do I do that exactly?� I had asked, by this time ready to just walk out of there and never look back. I had had it with therapy by that time. With people telling me how to feel better when all I wanted to do was forget about it all.  
  
  
  
�By facing it head on. I know you want to stop therapy Brian, I know you told my secretary that this would be our last session, but I wish you�d stay.�  
  
  
  
I remember walking over to the fish tank at that point and tapping it with my fingers. The fish scattered and left a cloud of dust in their wake. That�s how I had felt back then, not like the fish but like the cloud of dust.  
  
  
  
I was so lost.  
  
  
  
Just like Nick was now.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we should alert the police?� Kevin said walking over to AJ and luring him away from the alcohol that I�m sure looked so promising to him. �Let them know you think you saw the guy at the hospital.�  
  
  
  
�It won�t do any good. I wouldn�t be able to give them a description accurate enough and than they�ll ask me a thousand questions and make me feel like I�m crazy.� In reality I didn�t want to go to the police because I am pretty sure maybe I was crazy. Maybe it was all in my head, just like it was before. I mean the guy we met at the hospital was real and he gave me the creeps but who�s to say that he wasn�t just an innocent guy who was really looking for his mother?  
  
  
  
As far as Nick? Maybe he did the same thing I did. Maybe he was looking at his demons from the past instead of seeing what was really in front of him.  
  
  
  
�So you really think not telling the police is a smart choice?� My cousin asked me one final time.  
  
  
  
�Yeah I do, besides that also means we�d have to stay here and I know I am ready to leave.�  
  
  
  
Kevin nodded, �Okay then�that�s that.�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Nick who was once again staring straight ahead; I wish I was able to see what he was seeing. But then again maybe I should be grateful that I wasn�t. I know sometimes when I stared at a wall or a floor for too long I�d see the word MINE written in blood plastered all over it.  
  
  
  
I needed this to end; we both did before it killed us.  
  
  
  
�That�s that.� I answered staring straight ahead myself, seeing the crazy man I did in the hospital, taunting me as he wrote the word MINE on the wall dipping the paintbrush into Nick�s wounds as he went.  
  
  
  



	29. Chapter 29

****

**29  
  
  
  
The Darker side**

  
  
  
  
I can�t tell you for sure how long it was that I sat and stared at that wall, what I can say is that by the time I allowed myself to look away the rain had finally stopped. Nick was still sitting next to me, looking a little calmer, this time his eyes fixated on the TV and not on the wall. The others were sitting around the table, eating a pizza. When on earth a pizza managed to be delivered to the room I couldn�t tell you. I must have really been zoned out.  
  
  
  
I placed my hand on Nick�s shoulder and he flinched at the touch, just like he always did these days. That�s not something many people notice, besides those closest to him. Even his fans haven�t ever noticed it before. It only lasts for less then a few seconds, that scared flinch, before the easing of the body and that ever popular smile appears on his face.  
  
  
  
�Hey,� He said smiling at me and turning his body towards me.  
  
  
  
�Howdy, what are you watching?�  
  
  
  
�Golf.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, did I fall asleep or something?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah I think you did, your eyes were closed.�  
  
  
  
�And how are you feeling? Any better?� Didn�t I always say I hated it when people asked me that question? And yet here I was doing the same thing to Nick.  
  
  
  
�I guess so�yeah.�  
  
  
  
I sighed, �That�s good, I�m happy to hear that.�  
  
  
  
�What about you?� I guess it was only fair right?  
  
  
  
�I�m okay.�  
  
  
  
�I heard you were about ready to strangle Gary for me.�  
  
  
  
�Who told you that?�  
  
  
  
�Jay�  
  
  
  
I laughed, �Yeah, he was pissing me the hell off.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks.�  
  
  
  
�I think I�m going to go grab a slice of pizza, you want any?� Nick shook his head so I pat his shoulder and used it to help myself up off the couch. My legs felt like they were numb. Pins and needles, you gotta love that.  
  
  
  
The other guys all looked at me as I approached the table; it was an uneasy look, filled with concern. I can tell that I must have been a main topic of discussion at this table. It grew quiet as I took a seat.  
  
  
  
�Is there any pizza left?�  
  
  
  
�Yup, help yourself. You feelin� any better?� I grabbed a slice of pepperoni pizza and nodded.  
  
  
  
�I�m fine, guess I was just tired.�  
  
  
  
�You kind of looked like you were in a trance over there Brian. I swear your eyes were half open, it was kind of creepy man.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry didn�t mean to creep you out AJ.�  
  
  
  
I looked out the window where even though the rain had stopped it didn�t look like it would last. It looked as if at any moment the sky would open up again. I didn�t want that to happen. I needed to get the hell out of this city and back to my wife.  
  
  
  
�Did Gary call yet?� I was answered with three shaken heads.  
  
  
  
�Great, he probably left us�I say if we don�t hear from him we just book our own flights out of here.� I looked over at my cousin who was staring at Nick as he watched TV and I couldn�t help but wonder if they had stared at me the same exact way.  
  
  
  
�Good idea,� He said never taking his eyes off of Nick.  
  
  
  
�He seems to be doing better.� I said as I sat down next to the food.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, he�s been talking and even smiling again. He�s acting like our trip to the hospital never happened.�  
  
  
  
I nodded my head, remembering very well how Nick had done the very same thing the first time I had seen him after he had gotten his tattoo.  
  
  
  
It seemed so unlike Nick to do something like that. He had actually vowed he�d never get one, he enjoyed his body the way it was and he would be damned if he was going to let somebody prick him a thousand times with a needle. AJ is crazy, was his last comment on the issue, which was usually followed by a friendly bat on the head from the crazy one himself.  
  
  
  
So when he called to tell me about this tribal band he suddenly got around his arm, I almost thought he was joking.  
  
  
  
�I swear to God Rok, I got one�I can�t wait for you to see it!�  
  
  
  
�A tattoo? Nick are you joking?�  
  
  
  
�Okay this is getting old Brian�I told you I got one! AJ is SO going to owe me a billion dollars. He didn�t think I�d be able to do it.�  
  
  
  
�Why?�  
  
  
  
�Because he thought I�d be too sissy and chicken out.�  
  
  
  
�No, I mean why did you get one?� I can�t really describe the emotions I was feeling, for some reason I felt defeated by his stupid tattoo. Is that odd?  
  
  
  
�Well�why not? I mean you have one and AJ has a ton even Kevin has one�I thought it was time.�  
  
  
  
So I went to go check this tattoo out. I went with AJ and my cousin. Howie was on one of his cruises so he missed all the excitement.  
  
  
  
When we got to his house, Nick actually came running out to the car to greet us as if he were a little child. I hadn�t seen him that excited in quite some time.  
  
  
  
I couldn�t look at it right away because the bandage covering it was too familiar; I would never be able to look at gauze the same way again. We followed him into his house where once inside he lifted the bandage off his arm to reveal this tribal band.  
  
  
  
It was then that I understood.  
  
  
  
It had completely covered the last remnants of the word that I had carved into him. Mine was now safely hidden within the workings of the tattoo. It must have been liberating for him. Kevin had grabbed Nick into a huge bear hug and said how much he loved the tattoo which was so uncharacteristic of Kevin�s normal eye rolls when AJ showed up with a new one. But we all understood, this was Nick�s rite of passage almost. One of the last reminders of that horrible night now wiped clean.  
  
  
  
This may sound silly of me to say, but the day he got that tattoo I almost felt like it was the day I lost MY Nick forever. I know, I know then you wonder why everyone thinks you guys are gay Brian�but it�s true. It�s like that was the start of the darker Nick, the one who just hid all his feelings away. Shortly after the tattoo came the partying. He would stay out until all hours of the night, drinking and God knows what else. He wasn�t even old enough to be let into the places he was going, but yet that didn�t stop him. The days of us just chilling in front of the TV playing video games were over, after the tattoo he almost always picked partying over hanging out with me.  
  
  
  
I remember just as we were about to leave his house he opened his hand and held it out to AJ. �Time to pay up Boner!�  
  
  
  
AJ looked annoyed as he went into his wallet, looking for money, �Aw come on you�re not going to actually hold me to that are you?�  
  
  
  
�Are you saying that if you won the bet you wouldn�t be looking for YOUR money?�  
  
  
  
�He�s got a point Bone.�  
  
  
  
�Oh be quiet Kevin, I swear you are always taking the kid�s side.�  
  
  
  
�Only when he�s right.� As they were exchanging their silly argument I looked at Nick and he winked at me before looking away and biting on the inside of his cheek.  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe you actually had the guts to get a tattoo man, welcome to the club.� AJ said tossing the money into Nick�s hand and smiling.  
  
  
  
�After you have been through enough stuff, I guess suddenly a tattoo doesn�t seem so scary anymore Jay.� There was an awkward silence where you could tell we all suddenly understood. Of course when you have been stabbed repeatedly and carved, a tattoo is small potatoes. How could we be so dumb?  
  
  
  
We stood there like a bunch of idiots until Nick was the one to break the silence, �Anyway�I�m glad you guys like it! I�m thinking about getting one on my back as well. Maybe a music note or something like that.�  
  
  
  
�Sounds like a plan little man, just don�t turn into this one over here.� Kevin said of course pointing over at AJ who kindly stuck his middle finger up at Kevin which made us all laugh.  
  
  
  
�Ew no worries about that man�I�m good.�  
  
  
  
When we were back safely in the car and driving away from Nick�s house, Kevin shook his head, �You think he is?�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Nick said he�s good. You think he is?�  
  
  
  
�Maybe that tattoo was what he needed Kev,� I said not really believing the words as they were coming out of my mouth. Truth was, right there even though Nick pretended like nothing was wrong, I knew that was the start of him not being fine, possibly ever. Even on days that he might seem perfect, one hundred percent, I�d know better.  
  
  
  
Just like I knew better now.  
  
  
  
I stood up and walked back over towards Nick, carrying another slice of pizza for myself and one for him. I sat beside him and held the plate out to him, �It�s calling your name�Nickolas...eat me.�  
  
  
  
He laughed and grabbed for the slice, folding it over and taking a bite, �Thanks.�  
  
  
  
�Not a problem.�  
  
  
  
�So�what were you guys talking about over there?�  
  
  
  
�Just stuff�� I started but then knowing he already knew the answer, �And you of course.� I continued.  
  
  
  
�Of course.�  
  
  
  
He put the plate down after only taking one bite of his pizza and then grabbed his arm and ironically looked at his tattoo.  
  
  
  
�You know sometimes I swear I can see the scars still, right through this thing. I have been thinking of adding onto it. Maybe looping another band around the first one. What do you think?�  
  
  
  
I sighed, �I think that would look cool, but you can�t see the scars Nick, I promise you.�  
  
  
  
He nodded and half smiled at me, �I know�but no matter how much I try��  
  
  
  
�I know.� I let out a deep breath and sat back, taking control of the remote as we both blindly sat staring at the TV. Too bad there weren�t tattoos you could put on the inside, close to your heart which is where those scars really sat for him.  
  
  
  
�Sometimes I wish that he had actually killed me.� He whispered sending a chill down my spine, literally making me shudder.  
  
  
  
�Sometimes, I wish that you guys just let me die. Things would have been so much easier you know?�  
  
  
  
�Don�t ever say that again Nick.� My voice was stern but extremely soft so as not to bring attention to the little morbid conversation we were having.  
  
  
  
�Sorry man�never mind forget I said anything.� I wasn�t going to let him stop now, not after hearing that.  
  
  
  
�No, it�s okay tell me what�s going on.�  
  
  
  
He fidgeted again, looking towards the table making sure they weren�t listening before he continued, �It�s just that I know I can�t go through this all again Brian�I mean, what if he�s here and comes back. I can�t do it again.�  
  
  
  
�He won�t come back.�  
  
  
  
�We both saw him in the hospital didn�t we?� He was asking me to confirm that for him which only made me once again realize that maybe we really didn�t.  
  
  
  
�I wish I could tell you that everything will be okay Nick.�  
  
  
  
�But you can�t�I know. I�ve heard this all before.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t think he was there Nick�� I said after some quiet minutes, �I just don�t think we saw him.�  
  
  
  
�Doesn�t matter.�  
  
  
  
I tilted my head towards him, confused. �What do you mean?�  
  
  
  
�Whether he was there or not, it doesn�t matter. For me he�ll always be there.� Then he pointed to his arm, �Just like the scars.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry.� I felt tears coming to my eyes. The pain and hurt he was going through. He was right, just like my therapist was. It stays with you.  
  
  
  
He wiped at his eyes, I know that drew attention from my cousin, he looked over our way.  
  
  
  
�Did you ever wish that he had killed you?� Did I? For the first time I found myself having to contemplate the answer to that question. It was a scary question, it was an honest question and I had an honest answer.  
  
  
  
�Sometimes.�  
  
  
  
Kevin made his way over, our alone time was done. We made the mistake of showing too much emotion on our faces.  
  
  
  
�Everything all good here?� Nick smiled and nodded, all the traces of tears wiped away as Kevin approached.  
  
  
  
�Good news, we are very soon out of here guys. Our ride is actually on the way.�  
  
  
  
I don�t recall the phone ringing while Nick and I were talking just like I didn�t recall the pizza being delivered. I was in my own scattered cloud of dust, just like all those fish in my therapist�s tank.  
  
  
  
�That�s great news thanks.� I said, smiling at him as he walked away.  
  
  
  
�Think it�ll leak out to the press?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know Nick.�  
  
  
  
He stood up, �Well, I�m going to go get washed up before we head out of here.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him, �Good idea, I should do the same.� I watched as my friend walked over towards the bathroom and placed his hands on the door, hesitating and breathing deeply before allowing himself to walk in.  
  
  
  
�Sometimes...� I found myself repeating while I sat and waited for our car to take me away from this place.  
  



	30. Chapter 30

  
****

**30  
  
  
  
So we move on�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
We left the very same day we arrived in Philadelphia, the fans weren�t happy and neither were our management and record company. None of that mattered though, we had to get out of there, we weren�t ready yet.  
  
  
  
Shortly after Nick and I had that morbid conversation, our van arrived to take us to the airport. We barely had to pack anything since we never unpacked in the first place. I think deep down inside, we all knew better.  
  
  
  
I remember looking back into the room, as the last person to leave and seeing our captor standing there staring at me and smiling. He looked a lot like the guy we saw in the hospital, he looked a lot like Dr. Derek Jones; he looked a lot like me. All staring at me and smiling, happy with the silent victory they had over us this time around.  
  
  
  
We did let them win this time, but that�s okay. I mean it wasn�t okay at the time and it took me a long long time to understand that, but looking back on it now�it was fine.  
  
  
  
I have done a lot of soul searching in my life, a lot of trying to find answers about why something as horrendous as what happened, did happen. No matter how many self help books I read or people I consulted, or how many times I prayed for an answer, I never got one.  
  
  
  
To put it simply, there was no answer. It happened because it happened. One act of violence that changed my life. Simple as that really.  
  
  
  
We left The Firm shortly after our return back to Florida and Gary�s sudden resignation. They had called us into the office to yell at us, who knows maybe to drop US as clients, but we beat them to the punch. Once again we found ourselves relying on Denise to guide our career.  
  
  
  
We dumped a lot of baggage after what happened. It�s like none of us had any patience for inconsistencies or mistakes. We fired a lot of people, disconnected ourselves from a lot of so called friends. Some were good moves, some bad, but nevertheless that�s what we did.  
  
  
  
AJ started to have problems with drugs and alcohol. We saw the signs very early on, probably as early as our trip to Philadelphia, but no one did anything about it. By the time we did, it was too late. He was self destructing. By the end of the Black and Blue tour none of us even wanted to be in the same room with each other.  
  
  
  
Nick�s personality radically changed as well, he became an out of control partier just like AJ, but also he got into fights. His temper getting the best of him. Sometimes I would look over at him when he didn�t know I was watching, and I�d see him pull at his hair or stand there with fear in his eyes, remembering something I�m sure he only wanted to forget. He became distant and unsure of himself. Basically he fell into a depression. Then came Nick�s announcement about going solo. He had to find himself, he said. He hated who he was becoming and needed to do something for just him. It was hard for us but we agreed. So the Backstreet boys went on hiatus.  
  
  
  
And I changed.  
  
  
  
I grew closer and closer to my wife, allowing only a few people into our little world which now consisted of my son Baylee. We didn�t go out much, we never made it a habit to live a celebrity lifestyle and we stayed as far out of the public�s eye as possible. Occasionally there have been nightmares, the most recent being last night. I dreamt he came back but this time not for me or for Nick but for my son. He stood looking at my son and no matter how hard I tried to run to him my feet wouldn�t move.  
  
  
  
I still go to therapy on occasion, sometimes I feel all better, like there isn�t a problem in the world I can�t conquer, but other times I feel more vulnerable then my 2 year old. So, I go to therapy and we work it out. Sometimes I leave feeling like I can do this and sometimes I don�t.  
  
  
  
Nick goes to therapy too. When we got back together after our long stint apart, I pulled him aside and pleaded with him to consider it. He had always refused, but not anymore. Maybe his demons had finally caught up with him. He goes almost regularly now, about twice a week. One of us is always there for him when he gets out. Not that he ever talks about what went on in his session, but I think it just makes him feel better to be around one of us afterwards. Even if it�s for nothing more than going out for a drink or in my case, some dessert.  
  
  
  
As far as the others, well they have suffered too. Howie just likes to push it all aside, in fact when it is brought up, which is a little more frequently than any of us would like, he walks away. Says he needs to make a phone call or run an errand. That�s just the way Howie deals with things. AJ, well like I said earlier he turned to drugs and alcohol, not purely because what happened to us or anything but I�m sure that didn�t help. Kevin tries to act all big and brave but he has dreams too. Kristin told my wife about them. He blames himself for letting it happen; she said that sometimes she catches him crying while playing the piano. By My Side is usually the song he plays when he tears up.  
  
  
  
You know, life is not about happy endings. I�m sure a lot of you who may be reading this might think that it would have ended a bit differently. Maybe we catch the bad guy and fight, I stab him in the chest and we all live happily ever after, finally getting my revenge. Believe me; I would have liked nothing more than for that to happen. Unfortunately, this tale ends a bit differently. There is no happy ending for me. In my world, there is only to be continued�  
  
  
  
The bad guy was never caught, there was no resolution and most likely there will never be. For all I know he could be long dead, maybe another victim fought back and won the battle that I failed to. Maybe he is sitting in jail for something small, too many parking tickets or a DWI. Or maybe he is still out there watching and waiting for a chance to get one of us alone again.  
  
  
  
I�ll never know and that is the worst part about this story, its lack of an ending. Maybe one day�I guess we�ll see what happens.  
  
  
  
On the way back to the airport, Nick tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to him and he whispered, �There�s something I want to do before we go.�  
  
  
  
�What is it?� I asked thinking the answer was going to be I have to pee or something.  
  
  
  
�I want to see it�the Liberty Bell.�  
  
  
  
The rain had stopped and the sun was peaking through the clouds. Maybe this was his own version of closure. So I asked the driver if we could make a detour to the Liberty Bell, he nodded but Gary groaned in disgust. At that point I didn�t care and either did he. No one complained though. They probably realized we had our own reasons.  
  
  
  
�If we miss the plane you guys are on your own.� Was all our manager said, before sitting back and rubbing at his temples.  
  
  
  
By the time we arrived at the bell it was way past closing time, so luckily there was no traffic to further delay us. We got out of the van and walked up to the glass, the rest of the guys following behind probably thoroughly confused.  
  
  
  
�Wow, so that�s it huh?� He said peering into the room that housed the bell.  
  
  
  
�Yup I guess so.�  
  
  
  
�It kind of just looks like a bell.� That made me laugh. It felt good to laugh, Nick smiled.  
  
  
  
�Why are we here?� Kevin said now walking past us both and peering in at the bell.  
  
  
  
�It�s just something we have been meaning to do for a long time.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.� He said as if he understood, but I�m still not altogether sure if he did or not. I�ll have to ask him later when I see him.  
  
  
  
�You know�� Nick never finished what he was going to say. He only looked at the bell once more through the glass and walked away. Grabbing my shoulder in a hug as he passed me. �Let�s get out of here.� He said and I nodded and followed him back to the van.  
  
  
  
So, there you have it.  
  
  
  
I know by writing this all down, I have begun the healing process. I have cried, gotten mad and thrown things, but overall I managed to survive. As I sit here in the dark with only a small light on to see my words and my son safely snoring in the bed two feet away from me, I can say that I�ll eventually be all right.  
  
  
  
We all will.  
  
  
  
The road getting here has been long and hard, there have been many tears shed and many sleepless nights, but isn�t that what life is all about?  
  
  
  
At least I am alive to live it.  
  
  
  
Thanks for listening and God Bless!  
  
  
  
Brian Littrell.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 ****

**The end!**

  
  
  
  
  
  



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